What the fuck is this?
“Facial care Snapcast.”
Snapcast?
“Snapchat podcast.”
We’re living in the future, and it’s annoying as hell.
…
345 bucks?
“It’s got diamonds in it!”
You’re a putz, you know that? Buy some goddamned Neutrogena.
“Then I’d have to get the diamonds separately and mix them in. Time consuming.”
Sure.
CELL PHONE NOISE
“I hate you.”
You had to see this coming.
CELL PHONE NOISE
“You sure that’s not your phone?”
No, my ring tone is Garcia soloing.
“Ow.”
Pick up the phone.
CELL PHONE NOISE
“Have I told you I hate you?”
Have I told you to pick up the phone?
…
“Weir here.”
“This not Bob. I know voice. My bro play joke.”
“Not your bro.”
“Kim Jong-Un, Josh Meyer: hang dai.”
“I’ve told you to stop speaking Cantonese, dammit.”
“Ooh, face look good. T-zone is dry. Not shiny. Good face, Josh Meyer. Father invent face.”
“Gee, thanks. I’ve been refining my facial regimen for years now andWAIT A MINUTE.”
“Excellent comedy take, bro.”
“Can you see me? And don’t say ‘Don’t worry about it.'”
“I see my bro.”
“How?”
“Don’t worry about it.”
“I told you not to say that.”
“You have forehead of a 32-year-old.”
“THANK you! People don’t notice, and it drives meSTOP DOING THAT.”
“Cant help it. So handsome and strong, my bro.”
“This needs to stop.”
“I your number-one fan.”
“Please don’t Misery me.”
“I going to Misery you. You at house or fancy rock star motel?”
“House. SHIT!”
“Okay. We stop for gas, come over.”
“Your submarine runs on gas?”
…
“Coal.”
“Oh.”
“Is not great submarine. Sometime, Josh Meyer–”
“Please don’t start confessing shit to me.”
“–I just don’t know if Only Korea is best country in world.”
“I don’t care.”
“All our stuff is junk. It gets to you.”
“I truly don’t care.”
“I feel like I can open up to you.”
“You shouldn’t feel that way.”
“We get matching tattoo.”
“No. Well, maybe if the design is really cool.”
CALL WAITING NOISE
“Is that you or me?”
“Only Korea no have Call Waiting yet.”
“Sure.”
CALL WAITING NOISE
“I’m going to take this and not come back.”
“I come to you.”
“Dammit.”
…
“Weir here.”
“Please hold for the President of the United States.”
“Dammit.”
“John? This is the President.”
“Hi, Katy.”
“Don’t you ‘Hi, Katy’ me. Do you know I’m getting calls from the CIA, the NSA, the FBI, and NASA about your little bromance, John?”
“None of those entities have called you.”
“They have, John. About you. They’re going to send drones after you, John. I’m coordinating the entire operation from the presidential yacht.”
“America hasn’t had a presidential yacht in many years.”
“I bought a new one.”
“You named the presidential yacht Sassy?”
“USS SASSY. Technically, it’s Navy One when I’m aboard, whether or not I’m in a bikini.”
“You’re very matchy-matchy.”
“You can see me?”
“Don’t worry about it. Katydoodle–”
“Madam Presidentdoodle.”
“–this Kim Jong-Un thing is not my fault. I just want to solo and wear clothes and give my fans skincare tips.”
“What’s done is done, John. The drones are in the air. Maybe you’ll get lucky and they’ll see a wedding full of foreigners on their way to your house and use up all their ammunition.”
“The presidency has changed you.”
“Kissinger was right about many things, John.”
“Wow.”
“Wait. There’s something in the water.”
“A periscope?”
“Looks like.”
SHPLAAAARSH
KREEEEEEEEEEEEEKLANG
“A submarine just surfaced and the hatch opened, John.”
“The sound effects were obvious.”
“Hey! Big Boobies! It Kim Jong-Un!”
“Kim! Hey! You won’t believe–”
“Don’t tell him it’s me!”
“–who I’m on the phone with.”
“Goddammit.”
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