CELL PHONE NOISE
CELL PHONE NOISE
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CELL PHONE NOISE
CELL PHONE NOISE
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CELL PHONEKERSMASH TINKLE PLINKLE
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BACKUP CELL PHONE NOISE
BACK–
“What!? It’s my day off! What!?”
“You need to be nicer to me, John.”
“Katylumps?”
“Don’t call me that, John. I am now Madam President Katy Rodham Perry. I’m the president, John.”
“I have accepted the Democratic Party’s nomination, and now I’m the President of the United States, John.”
“You sang a song and did some light banter, Katy.”
“No, John. There were procedural votes and the backrooms were filled with smoke, and now I’m the Potus with the mostest. I have the football, John.”
“Katy.”
“The nuclear football.”
“Katy.”
“I could burn it all, John.”
…
“I seem to have misplaced the nuclear football, John.
“You don’t have the…Katy, you’re not the president. I promise.”
“If you’re going to be negative, you can’t be in my drawers, John.”
“Cabinet.”
“You can’t be in any of my furniture. I think you’re intimidated by my womanly power. I am the first lady president, John.”
“No, you’re not.”
“Besides Calvin Coolidge.”
“Calvin Coolidge was a man, Katy.”
“No. Lady. Pope Joan-type situation. That’s why there’s no pictures of him naked.”
“Could be.”
“What are you doing?”
“I am trying to enjoy my day off and get some exercise. My grocery shopping was already ruined.”
“Did you borrow those shorts from Bobby?”
“Yeah, how did you…can you see me?”
“Don’t worry about it. Also, your form is awful, John.”
“I just want to relax. Wait, weren’t you kidnapped by ninjas?”
“Scottish ninjas. The Scottish ninjas kidnapped me, John. And then we played Glastonbury, and they were killed by the actual ninjas, who took me to Japan.”
“Right. Then what happened?”
“A half-assed attempt at more Earthroamer adventures, and then Bobby turned into Lego with a Beatle.”
“Continuity is not this universe’s strong suit.”
“No. Our semi-fictional reality is an NP problem: if given the present bearing, you couldn’t work out how everything got to that place in less time than it took to read everything up to there.”
“Your level of intelligence fluctuates at random, doesn’t it?”
“Were you listening to me? It’s a shoddily-constructed universe, John. We struggle to maintain our selves in the storm of new experience, and find shelter only within each other.”
…
“That was pretty, Katy.”
“Speechwriters whipped it up. I’m the president now, John.”
“Dammit, Katy–”
CALL WAITING NOISE
CALL WAITING NOISE.
“Hold on, John. It’s the red phone.”
“You don’t have the red phone.”
“It’s a red phone.”
“I’ll hold.”
…
“Is this Leader of Hot Dog Dick Americans, Katy Perry?”
“New phone, who dis?
“You in big trouble from little China, lady!”
“I got Glorious Octopus of Juche Death! Fuck your shit right up!”
“Uh-huh. Can you hold on one sec?”
“I hold.”
“Awesome.”
…
“John?”
“Katy.”
“Wow.”
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“Who’s on the other line?”
“Don’t be mad, but I have no idea. He seems like someone the president should know. He has a Death Octopus, John.”
“Did he call you a hot dog dick?”
“By association, yes.”
“Goddammit.”
“And I think he stole Hillary’s pantsuit.”
“Godammit.”
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