“This is probably the best shoveling job anyone’s ever done, and I am so proud to be burying Barbara Bush. She was such a classy, classy lady even though she looked like a grandma and was a 3 in her prime. In her prime!”
“Oui are not burying ze First Lady, Monsieur President.”
“Maybe a 2. Not hot. All of my wives were hotter, so I win. Very sad, though, but she’s being buried on the lawn of the White House. That’s tradition. All the first ladies are here. Nancy, Lady Bird. Hillary will be here one day, and she deserves that. For the crimes she committed, Hillary Clinton should probably be buried alive, but we have to be nice. They told me to be nice. Michelle Obama will also be here, but in a different section of the lawn. You know. Over there. Those people go over there.”
“Zis izz not what izz ‘appening, Donald.”
“Melania? Where’s my Melania? Melania?”
HATEFUL WOMAN PRETENDING NOT TO HEAR A SCUMBAG NOISE
“Melania?”
…
“Melania? I guess she’s not here. Very busy, King Macaroni.”
“I am not ze king, and zat izz not my name.”
“Never in the history of first ladies has there been one who did so much. All day. This, that, bing bang, she’s all over the place. She talks to the children, and their faces light up. Great, great first lady. And she doesn’t tell people what to eat, like Michelle who was a man and a Nazi. Many people don’t know this, but Larry Kudlow told me. You know Larry Kudlow?”
“No.”
“Real winner. When he’s on teevee, I’m watching. That’s why I hired him. He brought his own makeup girl, and you should see the tits on her. Real yabbos. You say ‘yabbos’ in France?”
“No.”
“And not fat! Some girls, they got the tits because they’re hogs, but this one got a little waist, tush, nice. Then: bing bong boobs. There they are. You got fat chicks in France?”
“No.”
“Lucky, very lucky. That’s what they say: Lucky Pierre. Very lucky. You should see all the fatties around here. I got one. Something wrong with her eyes. Great on teevee, though. Send her out, she yells at the lying, failing, Jewish media. They work hard.”
“The Jews?”
“No, fat chicks. Over-achievers, fat chicks. Everywhere except in the gym. Frenchy, you are gonna love this State Dinner. No one in maybe the history of State Dinners has done a better job than Melania has setting this up. She is just super. Melania?”
SLOVENIAN CATALOG MODEL LOATHING IN SILENCE NOISE
“Where is she? Melania?”
…
“General?”
…
“Melania?”
“Monsieur President, perhaps we should talk about ze Iran deal.”
“At dinner, at dinner. You are not gonna believe it. Do you have Chick-Fil-A in France?”
“I do not know what zis is.”
“It’s the pickle! I’ve had chicken sandwiches from everyplace, the most beautiful chicken sandwiches, and no one else does the pickle. Adds so much to the flavor. And, you know, you walk into Chick-Fil-A and the kid behind the counter is a real American. He doesn’t rap at you, nothing. It’s not Burger King. Let’s just say that. Anyway, we got Chick-Fil-A piled to the ceiling. All you can eat, which is an idea I came up with for the Trump Shuttle. All the peanuts you could eat, and people called me up, ‘Mr. Trump, thank you for the peanuts. Everyone else skimps, but you showed real class and brains with the peanut thing.’ People gave me such spectacular compliments.”
“What ze fuck are you talking about?”
UNSECURED CELL PHONE NOISE
“President speaking.”
“Vous just answer your mobile? Is zat a Blackberry?”
“Shh. Important call. Hey, big guy!”
“Hello, The Donald.”
“Are you shoveling, too? Great, wonderful, what luck. I’m here with King Macaroni–”
“Zis is not my name..”
“–and we’re shoveling. The best shoveling, but now that I see you’re shoveling, I think you might have an edge. Just a little one, but you are truly a hell of a shoveler. Are you planting a tree, Mr. President?”
“Da. Is tree asked too many qvestions.”
“Beautiful, great, burying. Hey, listen: we’re having a little get-together here tomorrow night. We would be so honored, probably the most honored people that have ever lived, if you would stop by.”
“Zoot alors, do not invite Putin to ze dinner!”
“I vould love to, The Donald. Vhat is menu?”
“Chick-Fil-A.”
“Vonderful. Putin love pickle.”
“Sacre fucking bleu.”
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