QUEBEC CITY – FANCY HOTEL
“Listen, less important countries with terrible, weak leaders: thank you for coming. Things have gotten heated, mostly due to your lies and stealing from America and Angela’s attitude, but also because of my strength. Let’s face it: you come from sissy countries and you were impressed by me and we got off on the wrong foot. Now we have to do a communique, and I want it to be the most beautiful communique anyone’s ever seen. We’re gonna really do something special that people are gonna love. Justy?”
“Don’t call me that.”
“Where’s Justy?”
“Again: do not call me that, and I am sitting directly to your left.”
“Justy?”
“I’m gonna jingle my keys.”
CANADIAN KEY-JINGLING NOISE
“Justy. There you are.”
“Jesus.”
“Canada is killing us! Using us like dogs. It’s not fair what’s going on, Justy. We’re gonna need the Great Lakes back. Both sides belong to us now.”
“That’s not even worth discussing, Mr. President.”
“Fine. I want a CFL team. And a good one, not the Argonauts.”
“That is in no way something I could do.”
“Justy, I don’t know what the press is like in Canada, but our news is 83% fake. 83% percent, that’s the number, and it’s getting to the point where it’s almost a contest of fakeness. I talk about this with Sean Hannity all the time. He says, ‘Mr. President, which news is the fakest?’ and I sometimes I say NBC, and sometimes I say CNN. It depends on the day. Really, it depends on the day.”
“Okay. And…?”
“Where’s the King of Macaroni? French guy. King of Macaroni?”
“I’m a president. And my name is Macron.”
“I want you to put my name on the side of the Eiffel Tower.”
“Non.”
“I want the can-can to be renamed the Don-Don.”
“Non.”
“Weak! Merky, you’re next.”
“Vas zat all you had to say to Herr Macron?”
“Who?”
“Gott in himmel.”
“Merky, your accent reminds me of something. We gotta let Russia back into the club, group, summit, whatever. Very important, Russia. Big time guys over there, and what are we doing without them? Not right!”
“Zey vere expelled for invading Crimea, Donald.”
“Invaded Crimea, shminvaded Crimea. Who here hasn’t invaded another country? Even Canada invaded! Remember that, Justy? Canada invaded America and burned down the Grand Canyon.”
“That is in no way what actually happened.”
“Besides, most of the Crimeans are very, very happy to see the Russians. I saw videotape, and this is true, I saw tape of Crimeans celebrating in the streets. They were yelling and dancing and shooting in the air, bing bing bang, and it was a joyful scene. Crimeans call me and say, “Mr. Trump, it’s so nice having the Russians here. They’re a boon to the economy, big tippers, real class. Real class.”
“Ja. Crimeans call you, Herr President?”
“All day long. I probably know more Crimeans than anyone you’ve ever met. I know more Crimeans than most Crimeans, I would say. So we need to get Putin in on this.”
“Nein. Herr Putin vill sit in his Straufraum until he learns to play nicely viz the rest of ze vorld.”
“Great, great, wonderful. I’ll FaceTime him.”
“Nein!”
“Mr. President, I smell a Filet-O-Fish in the next room.”
“Thank you, Justy!”
CONFUSED OLD MAN WITH THE NUCLEAR CODES WOBBLING INTO THE NEXT ROOM IN SEARCH OF A FILET-O-FISH NOISE
“Danke schoen, Justy.”
“It was my pleasure, Chancellor. The world needs heroes right now. And it’s got me, Canada’s Justin Trudeau.”
“Gott in himmel.”
more like a Gm7dim