Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi–who is apparently the best we can do–is demanding the removal of 11 Confederate statues from the halls of the Capitol Building. If, like me, you’re just learning that there are Johnny Rebs in the august atria and concourses of America’s most beautiful building with a titty for a roof, then get up to speed on your traitors with this helpful guide.

JEFFERSON DAVIS Can’t have Confederate statues without Jeffy. That’s like a “Top Ten Classic Rock Songs” list without Stairway, man.

DAVIS JEFFERSON Often confused for Jefferson Davis, kinda like David Keith and Keith David.

BEAUREGARD BEAUREGARD BEAUREGARD III This minor Tennessee general was well known for his facial hair, and kicking black people. Even ones he didn’t own! And BBB didn’t extend his foot like he was punting, either. That fucker pointed his toe and aimed for the goolies.

AUGUSTUS SHUMPERT A respected Virginia colonel, Shumpert is credited with inventing the “rebel yell;” his ancestors have been locked in litigation with Billy Idol for years.

FOGHORN LEGHORN The cartoon chicken. No one knows how he got there, but Mitch McConnell will be damned if that proud rooster is coming down. “Over my dead, over my dead, over my dead…it ain’t gonna happen,” the Senator has been quoted as saying.

DIXIE RAY FOOTFALL As far as anyone can tell, Mr. Footfall was a tight end for LSU in the 70’s. No further information is available. Also, the face on the statue is clearly Lee Marvin.

HOLCOMB AMAGANSETT A landowner and Confederate financial supporter, the Major–he insisted upon being called that despite never serving in any military–despised blackness so much that he refused to blink. When asked why, he would shout “AH WON’T ABIDE TH’ DARKNESS!” and start swinging his cane around like a lunatic.

BOCEPHUS AND LUCAS DUKE Maybe these two shouldn’t come down. They never meant any harm, and they fucking hated cops (except Enos).

BURR MANILOW, JR. General Manilow led Alabama’s 3rd Division (The Lynchin’ 3rd!) to defeat at both the Battle of Possum’s Innards and the Battle of Pungent Shoals, then died with the remnants of his forces at the Battle of Scumbox Valley.

LESTER MADDOX The actual Lester fucking Maddox. Axe handle and all.

And now…you know your Capitol Confederates!