Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: nfl

Possible Replacement Names For The Washington NFL Team

July 12, 2020 / / 2 Comments

  • The Drooling Ballmunchers.
  • Still The Redskins, But In Reference To Onions.
  • The Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathies.
  • The Herpes. (SLOGAN IDEAS: You’ll never beat us, and you’ll never get rid of us OR Herpes: Comin’ At Ya!)
  • The Washington Lee Atwater’s Brain Tumors.
  • Dingusboys. (Worth it if only to see the defeated looks on the players’ faces when they’re forced to take the field wearing “Dingusboys” jerseys.)
  • What if they didn’t have a name, like Clint Eastwood in the Spaghetti Westerns?
  • The Dirtworshippers.
  • The Washington Shmoshingtons.
  • I’m gonna repeat “Dingusboys” because it would simply destroy everyone who worked for the organization. Imagine winning the Super Bowl, but doing it as a Dingusboy. You’d live in shame ’til the end of your days. I would expect many of the team’s players would suicide fairly quickly.

I Must Be In The Front Row!

September 18, 2016 / / 1 Comment

rams-view

Speaking of football, a buddy of mine posted this: it’s the Los Angeles Coliseum, where the newly-relocated Rams beat the Seahawks in a barn-burner 9-3 game. It’s the view from his seat, though he surely must have only needed the edge of it–as I mentioned: 9-3–and the vantage is a hilarious reminder of how badly the NFL has fucked up yet again. The new stadium, which will be in Terminal 2 at LAX, won’t be ready for two years; until then, the Rams will play in the Coliseum.

The L.A. Coliseum was built in 1209 by the indigenous Chumash people, and originally used for religious festivals, including the harvest celebration where, to thank the gods for the bounty of the year’s crop, two groups of large men ritualistically concussed one another. During the period of Spanish rule, the Coliseum was used for bullfighting, and naps.

America took control of the Los Angeles region in 1847; to commemorate the occasion, Buffalo Bill Cody and his Wild West show was installed in the Coliseum for a month, even though he was only one year old at the time, and the venue has been intertwined with Angeleno history ever since. The original Hollywood sign was fashioned from metal taken from the building (leading to a partial collapse in 1924). The first Chinatown in L.A. was situated around the 30-yard line, and was where Noah Cross incested his daughter, leading to the cable cars being removed. In 1956, the forcibly-displaced Mexican-American occupants of Chavez Ravine were brought here and executed.

The Coliseum was where Ronald Reagan won the Olympics.

USC plays football there now, but there are no luxury boxes or WiFi; the seats are neither heated nor smart; there’s not even a dedicated app. The water fountains are just for show, and there are mountain lions everywhere. Also: my seat was closer than this seat: my couch in South Florida was nearer to the action than the metal folding chair anchored into concrete actually at the venue was.

But anyway: professional football’s back in Los Angeles. Fourth time’s the charm.

Non-Contextual Injury Report For The NFL, Week 2

September 18, 2016 / / 1 Comment
  • ACL tear.
  • PCL shredded like tissue paper.
  • MCL snuck out of knee and stabbed the opposing team’s Defensive Coordinator.
  • Stabbing.
  • Minor concussion.
  • Major concussion.
  • Semi-decapitation.
  • Turf toe.
  • Goalpost elbow.
  • Luxury suite waist.
  • Spiral fracture of radial.
  • Spiral light of Venus, shining first and shining best.
  • Prolapsed armpit.
  • Adult-onset sickle-cell anemia.
  • Spontaneously inverted nipple (left).
  • Hip pointer.
  • Hip setter.
  • Hip retriever.
  • Numerous bruises, contusions, and minor cuts. (Players.)
  • Numerous bruises, contusions, and minor cuts. (Players’ wives and girlfriends.)
  • Zika.

The Year Of Incompetence

August 7, 2016 / / 2 Comments

We have already established that 2016 is the year that the 20th century dies, Enthusiasts; each day that passes, each paper thumped against the welcome mat, each new though, and every new prayer proves me more and more correct. I would like now to add to our understanding of this terrible year: 2016 is the Year of Incompetence.

Bias! the internet says; and, Rigged! the voters moan; and, Crooked! and Corrupt! and so on, but these accusations are not the truth: incompetence is salted soil from which 2016 grows, gnarled and mean. Trump’s fatal flaw isn’t his arrogance, or racism: these are merely the by-products of deep lack of knowledge about the both the job he’s currently doing (candidate) and the job he says he wants (president). The man does not know what he’s doing, but–and here’s why this is the Year of Incompetence–30-40% of the electorate does not see this as a disqualification.

Here, Enthusiasts, I was going to be fair and balanced and declare Hillary Clinton among the incompetent, as well, but that’s one of the things she’s not; if you tell Hillary Clinton to start a war, and she gets shit done. She goes into meetings with an agenda, keeps to a schedule, remembers not to insult dead soldiers’ mothers: all that base-line stuff you want in a chief executive. In terms of competence, Hillary Clinton is above the Mendoza Line.

The NFL managed to fuck up grass today; yesterday, the Olympics could not handle water. The internet is collectively dumber than a car full of masturbating gibbons. Suicide Squad made $135 million. Dipshittery runs rampant, and–the worst part–has become normalized.

Doesn’t anybody here know how to play this game?

Are You Ready For Some Bullshit?

July 31, 2016 / / 2 Comments

From The Desk Of Roger Goodell

Re: Donald Trump’s claims

As the commissioner of the NFL, which has seen no concussions in almost six months, I feel it incumbent upon myself to dispel untruths propagated by the Republican candidate for president, Donald Trump.

No letter, e-mail, phone call, text, Twitter DM, or verbal communication between anyone working for or associated with the NFL and Mr. Trump was sent. While we believe that holding the presidential debates on a night without football games scheduled would be to everyone’s benefit, we would never send letter to Mr. Trump “complaining” about this fact.

We challenge Mr. Trump to produce this letter he mentioned, or retract his statement in full. As to his other football-related assertions, I will address them point by point.

  • Despite what Mr. Trump tweeted out (and putting aside how terrifying it is to be debating a presidential candidate’s late-night Twitterstorms), he is not the best tight end in NFL history. That is probably Tony Gonzalez.
  • Speaking of which, Mr. Trump’s insinuation that Tony Gonzalez is here illegally is offensive and perhaps actionable.
  • There is no way that Mr. Trump knows the precise definition of a catch. We don’t, so how can he?
  • No one in the NFL has “begged like dogs” for Mr. Trump to purchase the New York Jets. In fact, quite the opposite: he was blackballed by the owners. I’d like to rephrase that in case the meaning behind what I said didn’t sink in: NFL team owners thought he wasn’t up to their moral or social standard.

The NFL demands an immediate retraction and apology, or that Mr. Trump continue making us look good, as he is literally the only thing to do so in the past few years.

Sincerely,

Roger Goodell, the Luckiest White Man on the Planet

You Cannot Petition The Dead With Prayer

September 22, 2015 / / 26 Comments

You know who had a petition? Martin Luther, and not the good one: the German coprophage who took all the fun out of Jesus. Jobless weirdos wearing parkas in the summer standing outside the supermarket have petitions. LaRouche supporters have petitions.

Leave your dumb petitions out of the Grateful Dead, or whatever’s left of it, please. It’s not a democracy; the crowd doesn’t get a vote. Why don’t we take a show of hands for set lists? Secret ballot to see which member of the hotel staff Mickey assaults tonight?

Art’s not a democracy.

Also, and this is a minor point, this was the thing to petition the NFL about? Not “stop killing linebackers slowly for purposes of wagering,” or “could you at least consider the fact that the cities you keep robbing can’t build bridges or keep hospitals open?”

Also also, the Grateful Dead playing the halftime show at the Super Bowl would be a train wreck, and not a fun and campy one; everyone involved would be deeply ashamed afterwards and Garcia’s braid would have to be ritually shorn.

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