- ACL tear.
- PCL shredded like tissue paper.
- MCL snuck out of knee and stabbed the opposing team’s Defensive Coordinator.
- Stabbing.
- Minor concussion.
- Major concussion.
- Semi-decapitation.
- Turf toe.
- Goalpost elbow.
- Luxury suite waist.
- Spiral fracture of radial.
- Spiral light of Venus, shining first and shining best.
- Prolapsed armpit.
- Adult-onset sickle-cell anemia.
- Spontaneously inverted nipple (left).
- Hip pointer.
- Hip setter.
- Hip retriever.
- Numerous bruises, contusions, and minor cuts. (Players.)
- Numerous bruises, contusions, and minor cuts. (Players’ wives and girlfriends.)
- Zika.
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And the always unfortunate lacerated groin.