Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: oteil burbridge (Page 5 of 10)

When Did Billy Show Up?

June 27, 2017 / / 3 Comments

Hey, Billy. Whatcha doing?

“Balls deep in the hoopla.”

Sure.

“Look at this. Me and Phil back together again.”

His name is Oteil Burbridge.

“That’s just an anagram for Black Phil.”

It’s not.

“It is if you’re illiterate.”

Maybe. Where have you been? This is, like, the first picture I’ve seen of you this tour.

“I been checking out art museums. Unbelievably inspiring.”

No, you haven’t.

“You’re right. Skanking it up, baby. Hanging out at dog tracks and methadone clinics. Last night I had a chick who got had a buttock amputated.”

Really?

“Lopped that fucker straight off.”

I don’t even know how that works.

“Me, either, but it did. Doctors didn’t amputate her butthole.”

How come you didn’t go to the Capitol to meet Al Franken?

“I’m a Davis man.”

Makes sense.

A More Elegant Bass Player, For A More Civilized Time

June 25, 2017 / / 5 Comments

Don’t give those to Billy.

“Hello.”

No time for pleasantries, Oteil. Do not give lightsabers to Billy.

“You exaggerate about him. What’s he gonna do?”

He’ll lightsabe people. If Billy had a lightsaber, then he would lightsabe people. Like, within seconds.

“I dunno about that.”

I’ve known him longer than you.

“Okay, I won’t give Billy lightsabers.”

Or Mickey.

“Shit, no.”

Or Bobby.

“Bobby wouldn’t hurt anyone.”

Have you seen him with his drone?

…

“Yeah, okay. What about Chimenti?”

He’ll turn them into bongs.

“Well, I’d be into that.”

Me, too. Put that silver-haired motherfucker to work.

Barefoot In The Park With Oteil

June 10, 2017 / / 2 Comments

Hey, Oteil.

“Hey.”

You okay, buddy?

“Uh-huh. See me smiling? Happy Oteil. Real happy. Everything’s great.”

Hey, hey, hey. What’s going on with my big guy? You can tell me.

“Nothing.”

What is it?

“Nothing! I’m fine!”

…

Did Mickey steal your shoes to use as drums?

“Yeah.”

Oh, buddy, you gotta stand up for yourself.

“He was very aggressive.”

Mickey gets like that when he’s drinking.

“How did you know he’d been drinking?”

Was he awake?

“Yeah.”

Well, there you go. Doesn’t Bobby have some backup sandals you can borrow?

“Bobby said he only travels with one pair of Birkenstocks at a time.”

Why?

“Better gas mileage in the bus.”

Okay. Wait: Josh should have at least three or four dozen pairs of shoes with him.

“Yeah, he offered. We’re even the same size.”

And?

“Honestly, I’d rather be barefoot than wear that shit.”

I hear you. Well, it’s just for the show. Can’t be that bad.

“Billy keeps throwing handfuls of Legos at me.”

Sounds right.

Basest Solos

June 4, 2017 / / 7 Comments

Hey, Bobby. Whatcha doing?

“Taking a load off.”

I see that.

“I don’t know if you’re aware, but the Grateful Dead rarely featured full-blown bass solos.”

No, they didn’t.

“For a reason.”

Uh-huh.

“But, you know, Branford loves doing ’em. Bless his heart.”

His name is Oteil.

“Agree to disagree.”

You don’t even want to comp behind him or anything?

“I’m not encouraging bass solos. Mickey used to toss used chewing gum into Phil’s hair when he did ’em. I’m not gonna go that far, but I won’t participate.”

You’re a man of principle.

“And I wanted to sit down.”

That, too.

I Spy With My Little Eye

June 3, 2017 / / 0 Comments

I see you back there.

“Shit.”

I got eyes everywhere, Oteil.

“Listen, just keep this under your hat.”

Not wearing one.

“And stop being so literal.”

Hate to hear what Billy will have to say.

“Please don’t turn this into a thing.”

Quisling.

“Don’t call me a quisling.”

Mickey’s not gonna like it, either.

“Billy’s more important.”

In every way.

“Don’t tell Billy.”

I dunno, Oteil. Let’s ask Steve Wozniak.

“What?”

Hey, Woz.

“Yo.”

Shoreline?

“Shoreline. Not as fun as the US Festival.”

Sure, but your ticket didn’t cost $12 million this time.

“True. What’s up?”

Should I snitch on Oteil?

“Snitches get stitches and wind up in ditches.”

You’re a fucking truth-teller, Woz.

“I know.”

You have a good show.

“Back atcha.”

…

Oteil, you’re off the hook. You should thank Woz.

“I completely do not understand how this universe works.”

Don’t ask Bobby. You’ll be even more confused.

“Yeah, sure.”

To Life, To Life

May 30, 2017 / / 0 Comments

Hey, Mickey.

“I was wondering when you were gonna get to me.”

It’s a long summer, buddy.

“Great summer. You see how many drums I got?”

Many.

“The most! I checked around. No one touring this summer has more drums than me.”

Congratulations?

“You’re welcome.”

You having a little party?

“Oh, yeah. Getting drunk with Black Phil and Girl Justin.”

Reya. She is your daughter.

“I knew the second part.”

Why are you all so bad with names?

“Decades of substance abuse.”

Sure.

“Also, I don’t hear ’em when people tell ’em to me.”

Also true. This is sweet that Reya’s going on tour with you.

“It’s great, man. Having adult children is a blessing.”

I think you just mean “children.”

“No. They’re fucking terrible when they’re kids. I avoided that whole thing.”

Probably for the best.

“Can’t get drunk with children. I mean, you can.”

You shouldn’t.

“No. Kids can’t drink for shit. Sloppy little fuckers.”

You’re cursing more than usual.

“This is my sixth margarita.”

Gonna be a good summer.

“I’ll drink to that.”

Separate, But Unequal

May 27, 2017 / / 0 Comments

2017 and we’re still dealing with this kind of racism.

Excuse me?

The non-whites get segregated. That is the textbook definition of racism.

Jeff Chimenti is white.

Italians are white now? What next, the Irish?

You gonna be like this all night?

Yup.

Okay. Hold on.

…

Ahem: ERDOGAN CAN SUCK MY ASSHOLE.

RUNRUNRUN

WHOMP

WHOMP

WHOMP

WHOMPWHOMPWHOMP

…

Did you just deliberately get beaten to death by Turkish security goons?

Yes.

Okay.

We Were Having A Grand Time

May 26, 2017 / / 3 Comments

The O-hawk is back.

“You like?”

It’s straight this time.

“It was straight last time.”

I have pictures, man. Don’t revisit this.

“You cannot get me down today. Or ever. Summer’s here and the time is right.”

You’re a positive guy.

“What’s not to be positive about?

You’re like if Bill Walton was shorter and had all his original bones.

“Sure, okay.”

A terrible HIV test.

“We can stop.”

What’s the secret, man?

“You wanna know?”

Hell, yeah.

Okay.

Ah.

“Any more questions?”

Not a one.

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