Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: perry farrell

Man, He Can

Hey, Bobby. Did you know that Regina King’s name means Queen King?

“I have no idea who you’re talking about.”

Sure.

“Now, the clean-cut fellow to my left…is he secretly a mannequin?”

No.

“Like in that movie, Mannequin?”

He is not.

“Heck of a love story, Mannequin. And Kim Catrall. Easy on the eyes, that lady.”

It was a decent film.

“Decent? C’mon. It was part of the Catrallogy. Porky’s, Police Academy, and Mannequin. Heady days back then for a young starlet.”

What the fuck are you talking about?

“My shoulder hurt.”

And now?

“Much better.”

Ah.

Three Days Between

“Slash, you look terrible. Is the hat magic or something?”

“Bobby, I’m not Slash.”

“Currently?”

“Ever.”

“Ah. Were you a part of his combo?”

“No, I was in Jane’s Addiction. We were nothing like Guns N’ Roses, except musically and aesthetically and we liked heroin, too. They dated Playmates and Pets and supermodels, and we dated chicks with Betty Page haircuts who lived in Venice. Huge difference.”

“Sure, sure. And, uh, you boys played that real aggressive-type music, too?”

“Yeah, kinda.”

“That was banned in the van. Heavy mental records. We’d rotate who got to choose the tape, and Billy would pick these godawful thrashing bands. And, uh, it would get him too excited. There were a number of incidents. You ever hear of Krokus?”

“I’ve heard of Krokus.”

“Billy loved Krokus. No one understood it. We had a ‘live and let live’ policy, but you’re over the line when you’re blasting Krokus and roundhouse kicking Brent.”

“Sure.”

“It’s a morale-killer.”

OR

My, Perry looks well-rested.

An Ace In The Crowd

Do you have any–

“I have no idea who any of these people are.”

–have any idea…figured.

“I know that one of them is named James Erection. I suppose that’s a punker.”

Jane’s Addiction, Bobby. Two of the men you’re with were in a band called Jane’s Addiction.

“The same Jane from Truckin’?”

I don’t think so.

“Branford’s here.”

Nope.

Perry, Ye*

“Name a, uh, more iconic duo.”

There’s gotta be someone. Abbot & Costello?

“Nope.”

Martin & Lewis?

“Ain’t got nothing on me and Jane here.”

What about Hope and Crosby?

“What about ’em? I’m telling you, man: we’re the tops.”

“THIS IS FAKE NEWS. I AM THE GREATEST DUO OF ALL TIME!”

“Hey, Ye.”

“I LOVE YOU, HAIRY GARCIA, BUT YOU CAN’T BULLY MY FEELINGS. I AM THE GREATEST DUO AND ALSO THIS IS LITTLE SOMETHING.”

“Howdy.”

“YOU WILL JOIN US AS A CAN OF COORS BANQUET.”

“I have some shows lined up, Ye. Can’t do it, pal.”

“PLEASE HELP ME REPEAL THE THIRD AMENDMENT! I WANT MORE BRITISH SOLDIERS IN MY HOUSE!”

“Son, I’m mostly what you’d call ‘new age’ in my beliefs on mental health, but I think the pills might work for you.

“I WANT TO DRINK MYSELF!”

“Huh.”

 

 

*That is fucking GOLD, people.