Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: phil lesh (Page 28 of 105)

Legendary Banter

It is 2016, as we’re so often reminded, and people are now allowed to be named LoloYodel; what’s more, said Yodels are furthermore permitted to make supercuts of all the Grateful Dead’s tuning songs, band introductions, bad jokes, and stage banter (from a ’64 Mother McCree’s Jug Band tape to 1989) and post it to YouTube. What a world.

If you don’t have the time or inclination to listen, then here’s a quick rundown:

  • Ten or twelve renditions of Take A Step Back, half of which had musical accompaniment, which in hindsight seems a bit self-defeating.
  • One rendition of Take A Step Inward that Bobby gave after attending an Esalen seminar.
  • Bobby lying about the drummers’ birthdays.
  • Bill Graham’s semi-veiled hostility.
  • Phil’s blatant hostility.
  • John Scher’s adenoids.
  • That show in ’82 when Bobby started yelling “OMAHA! OMAHA!” before all the songs until Mickey tackled him.
  • 6/1/87: Brent performs the St. Crispin’s Day speech. (“We few, we heady few…”)
  • Bobby’s deer joke.
  • Bobby’s bee joke.
  • Bobby’s dog joke.
  • Bobby’s other dog joke. (I didn’t realize this before, but Bobby loves animal-related humor.)

And, of course, Billy’s jokes; I will not repeat them in whole out of fear of being sent to the Problem Attic without supper, but I can reprint some of the punchlines without context:

  • I put pee-pee in your Coke.
  • Velcro on the ceiling.
  • To keep her ears warm.
  • You’re scared? I gotta walk out of here alone.”

Eyebrows Of The World

phil rando signed guitar

Hey, Phil. Whatcha doing?

“Same ol’, same ol’. Making music, meeting randos.”

Powerful set of eyebrows on this one.

“Ah, leave him alone. Happy little fucker.”

I notice he’s touching you.

“Still within acceptable parameters. If he starts caressing, then we go to Deadcon 5.”

That’s not a thing.

“Sure it is. Robbie Taylor throws ’em in the canal.”

What’s Deadcon 1?

“Robbie chucks ’em in the canal.”

Sure. Phil?

“Last question.”

Okay: why do you sign your name with your left hand?

“Bothers you not knowing, doesn’t it?’

Yes.

Phil?

Phil?

I didn’t know they could do that.

Wonderin’ Man

Here’s a slightly easier to access version of the new Dead song (!) that FoTotD Jesse Jarnow dug out of the rehearsal tapes that just entered circulation.

Some thoughts:

  • The beginning of the tune sounds EXACTLY like Steve Martin’s “Ramblin’ Guy” bit.
  • Apparently, the question “How much should Phil be allowed to sing?” has been part of the woof and warp* of the Dead since the beginning.
  • I’m a sucker for songs about Jerusalem.
  • Can’t figure out all the lyrics, but I guarantee this song was written immediately after reading Heinlein’s Stranger in a Strange Land.
  • Hey: new Dead song!

*Woof and weft? Warp and shlorp? Worf and Wu-Tang? I know that phrase has something to do with looms and weaving, but that’s as far as my knowledge stretches.

I’d Pledge Drive All Night, Just To Buy You Some Shoes

phil mickey tuxes

“Good evening, everyone. Welcome to the First Annual TotD Telethon. I’m Mickey Hart.”

“And I’m Bob Weir. Dammit, Bobby couldn’t make it! This was supposed to be rewritten!

“That’s right. It is a special evening. Let’s talk about some of the great work that TotD does, Bobby.”

“No! That’s incorrect! I’m Phil. Phil Lesh. Of the Grateful Dead!”

“Well, you’re the expert on shorts, Bob.”

“I’m not Bob! Stop calling me that!”

“For almost five years.”

“Mickey, stop reading from the script! Things have gone awry!”

“No, the government can’t help, Bob.”

“I’M NOT BOBBY!”

RUNRUNRUN

“Sure, Bobby, there will always be a Pakistan.”

Mick?

“Yeah?”

You need to stop reading the script.

“It wasn’t very good, anyway.”

No. Here–

SCRIBBLE SCRIBBLE SCRIBBLE

–read this.

“Thoughts on the Dead relies on donations from ENTHUSIASTS LIKE YOU to fund our important work. We’d like to continue telling the stories that the mainstream media is afraid of, and bringing readers the truth about essential topics such as the state of Billy’s dong, or what Dead show you should listen to, or the occasional terrible poetry.

“Or another trip down Route 77.”

“Why did I say that last part so dramatically?”

Shh.

“Are we promising things or holding beloved characters hostage?”

Quiet, you.

“I’m uncomfortable with this.”

Keep reading.

“What is this? ‘Give me money or Roy Head dies?’ I’m not reading this! It’s blackmail!”

Only emotional!

“Mickey out.”

The Phil Who Loved Mike Gordon

phil mike gordon bass 2.jpg

This is wrong. I never got much past Ramones and Cheap Trick covers on the bass, but I know that this is not how it goes.

OR

Their forearm veins touched, and there was a glance that lasted too long. And then they belonged to each other, and to the moment, and Jay Blakesberg took many pictures.

OR

“Show me your war face! GRAAAAAH!”

“Helloooooo.”

“You have to get into it, Michael.”

“HIIIIIIIIiiiiii.

“You gonna take this seriously?”

“Nice to meeeeeeeet you.”

“Robby!”

OR

CELL PHONE NOI

“Don’t answer that, Michael: it’s Taylor Swift and she’s crazy.”

“She called you, too?”

“Twice. I heard she talked to Page.”

“Made him cry, yeah.”

“Page cries a lot, though.”

“We’ve gotten used to it.”

Bass Phishing

phil mike gordon txr onstage

It is the year 2018. Due to death, disease, acrimonious lawsuits, prison sentences, and foreign prison sentences, there are only enough musicians to form one classic rock band. It makes festival season a lot simpler, but some people feel the whole experience is lacking. Also it’s all bass players.

OR

This is from today at Phil’s (remember Phil?) restaurant; it was called the Big Bass Bash, and I swear to you that I thought the theme was fish. I saw another photo of just Mike, and I still didn’t figure out that the “a” was long.”

OR

If you’re in a jam band, and you try to play a normal four-string bass like a human being, then men from the jam band union come and break your shoulders.

OR

“Looooooove you.”

“Thank you, Mike.”

“Looooooove you.”

“Stop looking at me like that.”

“Looooooove you.”

“Play your bass, young man.”

“Loooooove–”

“Robby!”

OR

Heisenberg on drums.

OR

Phil is wearing his summer flannel.

OR

“How’s the tour going?”

“Great, Phil. Having so much fun. Making great music.”

“Big crowds?”

“Yeah, but they hate us.”

“Huh.”

“Phantasy Tour is crowdfunding hitmen.”

“I have no idea what that is, but I do like starting words that begin with ‘F’ with ‘Ph.’ You guys kinda stole that from me. Hitmen?”

“Yeah. To come and murder us for playing the songs wrong, or in the wrong order, or not long enough, or too long. Something.”

“Internet’s full of lunatics and obsessives.”

“There’s a motion to have Page impeached.”

“What does that even mean?”

“I hoped you knew.”

OR

The longer I look at this picture, the harder I laugh.

In Which There Is Some Sort Of Chase Scene

mickey-billy-portapoties

You guys aren’t chasing anyone?

“Nah. Gonna sit here, two minutes from now people are gonna wander over and tell me how great I am.”

“We are.”

“Right, Mick.”

Where did you all get golf carts from all of a sudden?

phil cart baby

“Rakow got a baker’s dozen of ’em  for us.”

Rakow’s dead.

“And he has access to a Time Sheath.”

True. What are you doing here, Phil?

“I forgot to tell you: I’m running for Congress.”

It’s bad enough your sound system is running for President: you can’t run for something, too.

“Don’t tell me what to do.”

“Which way did Bobby go?”

Garcia?

jerry golf cart whee

Oh, for fuck’s sake.

“Which way, man?”

I don’t exactly know where you are. Or when.

“Stop being a pain in the ass and point in a direction.”

“Thanks. Step on it!”

“Billy’s back in the chase, Ass!”

billy golf cart bear

Dammit. Keep that thing away from me.

“Oh, yeah: you’re scared of the bears. You should get to know them.”

I’ll know your flesh as my dinner.

Yeah, that’s the kind of bullshit I don’t need to deal with, Billy.

“Which-a way did-a da Bobby go?”

Oh, it can’t be.

pope golf cart

“It’s-a da golf cart-a parade.”

Not a thing. Go back to the Vatican.

“Look, I gotta da Arab.”

I see your Arab.

“Gotta catch-a da Bobby. I’m-a playing da Popemon Go.

I don’t want to do this anymore. It’s dumb.

“Okay. Dominus Vobiscum. If-a you see-a da Benedict, don’t tell-a him where-a we go.”

Why would I see–

pope-ezgo-golf-cart-venice-may20111

–Benedict?

“AchTUNG!”

Motherfucker.

“Vere is ze Frau Martin-Godchaux-McKay-Stamos? I vish to speak viz her.”

Why are you wearing a cape?

“I also vant to suck her blood.”

Get out of here! This makes no goddamned sense!

“Heeeeeeeeeh.”

“Heeeeeeeeeh.”

“Heeeeeeeeeh.”

What the hell is that?

popemobile_big

Oh, c’mon.

“Heeeeeeeeeh.

“Kiiiiiiiiiill meeeeeeeee.”

We’re done here.

« Older posts Newer posts »