Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: red rocks (Page 2 of 3)

Dyer, Wolf

You love that hat.

“It’s growing on me. Maybe I’ve been a hat guy all my life and not known it.”

I don’t think so.

“So many lost years.”

I really don’t think so.

“Um, so, tell me something.”

Sure.

“Josh always been blond?”

Only his hairdresser knows for sure.

“Ah.”

I think he’s having a mid-life crisis.

“Could be. I notice he’s been driving around in sports cars and sleeping with women half his age.”

He’s always done that.

“I used to.”

Sure.

“One more thing.”

Yeah?

“Why are there reindeer backstage?”

Reindeer?

“Putin is Santa now.”

What the hell have you done with Santa?

“Santa make problem. Now is no Santa, so is no problem.”

You’re a monster.

“Keep talking and you vill get polonium in your stocking.”

Why is there a lake backstage at Red Rocks?

“Do nyet vorry about it.”

Okay. Listen, Putin: get out of there. No one wants you at the Jerry Tribute.

“Vant to hear Bird Song. This is my jam.”

Stop it.

“Leave Putin alone. Am on vacation. Putin chilling like villain.”

You are the villain.

“Da. Now I steal Bobby Grateful’s hat.”

I’m cool with that.

Putting The Red In Red Rocks

“Y’know, Mrs. Adams-Girl-Kesey-Garcia, I just introduced a proprietary strain of weed under my own brand.”

“Really?

“Yeah. Very exciting. Do you know anything about growing weed?”

“You’re adorable.”

“What did I say?”

“Nothing, junior. Hey, who is that guy?”

“The shirtless one in the river over there? He looks familiar”

“Getting a bad vibe off him.”

“I’ll check him out.”

“Would you?”

“Course. Hey! Can I help you?’

“Nyet need help.”

“Putin catch fish.”

“Are you supposed to be here?”

“Putin go vhere Putin vant.”

“Can I see your pass?”

“Pecs are pass.”

“They’re not.”

“You are nyet in charge, Black Phil.”

“Do not call me that. And where’d you get a river from?”

“Bring vith me.”

“You can do that?”

“Da. Is most beautiful river in world. Many people say this.”

“Whatever. You’re bothering MG, and you’ve got to go.”

“Vhat!? You are 69’ing Putin?”

“86. You mean 86’ing.”

“Ah. English nyet idiomatic.”

“It’s pretty good, man. Lot better than my Russian.”

“Spaceeba. Vould you like to learn Russian vord?”

“Sure.”

“Vord is kompromat.

“Ooh, that sounds neat. What does it mean?”

“Come back to hotel and Putin show you.”

“Okay.”

“OTEIL! Go back in the dressing room!’

“Aww, Mountain Girl, I was playing with my new friend.”

“Now, mister!”

“Okay.”

“And YOU!”

“Vhat? Putin do nothing, Voman of Mountains.”

“Go! Get out of here before I take my shoe off!”

“But I vas fish–”

“NOW!”

“Da, ma’am.”

Tiger Tiger, Burbridge Bright

Hey, Oteil. Whatcha doing?

“Jerry Tribute! Seeing my friends, playing some of the Big Guy’s tunes, having a good time!”

You’re a positive dude.

“I am.”

You liking Colorado?

“Parts of it. Parts of Colorado are delightful.”

And the rest of it?

“Alabama with mountains.”

True. You should stay in the back of the bus while you’re there.

“Excuse me?”

Dude, I meant the master bedroom of your luxury cruiser.

“Still.”

How heavy is that thing?

“I think it’s made from a neutron star.”

That’s what I hear.

“Time goes faster when you’re near it.”

Sure did for Garcia.

“Maybe that was it.”

Could be. Or the smoking, heroin, and ice cream.

“A combination of the four.”

Probably.

Gatecrashers At The Pipes Of Dawn

Hello, Trixie. You’ve gone pinkish.

“I need you to be honest with me: are you going to show up at my house one day?”

Am I invited?

“No. Not at all.”

Then I will not.

“Promise?”

I don’t have the follow-through to be a stalker.

“I’ll take it.”

This is a very sweet picture.

“I know, right? Jerry’s girls. All eight of us.”

Your dad loved him his guitars.

“When I was a kid and went to my friends’ houses, I would think it was weird that their dads didn’t sit there playing scales while they were talking to us.”

This is Red Rocks for the big concert?

“Yeah! Bobby’s here and Oteil and John Mayer and Warren and Melvin. My whole family. It’s been great, really great.”

I’m very happy to hear that.

“Except for that guy.”

Which guy?

“The shirtless guy right over there. No one knows how he got backstage, but he won’t leave.”

Lemme handle it. Hey!

“Shto?”

Oh, fuck.

“Do nyet be harshing Putin’s mellow. Putin is on vacay.”

Get away from the Garcias.

“Do Garcias write about me?”

No.

“Then they are in no danger. Putin have very stressful year. Tired of so much vinning. Must relax.”

You don’t have to do it at Red Rocks during a Jerry Garcia tribute concert.

“Could nyet get Baker’s Dozen tickets.”

I find that hard to believe.

“Putin nyet up to anything. Have James Patterson novel. Vill read by pool.”

You’re up to something.

“This is how Putin gets groove back.”

I’m watching you.

“And me, you.”

Stand-Up Guy

phil-stand-up-bass

Learn something new every day, Enthusiast, and if you don’t believe me, then let’s go to the videotape:

This is from ’99 at Red Rocks, and that’s Jackie Greene sitting down while he plays, which is not okay. The only guitarists allowed to sit when they play are ancient bluesmen and Jeff Healy. If your foot is broken or something, you may sit; there appears to be no injury to the young man. I don’t accept that playing an acoustic guitar gives you license to recline like some sort of pasha. In fact, acoustic guitars are lighter than electric guitars, so it should be easier to remain upright, and don’t give me any bullshit about how you can’t put a strap on the thing: if Willie Nelson can, then so can you.

But, yeah: Phil on upright. I vaguely recall one of the books (or maybe something on the innertubes: all the Dead stories roll into one) that Phil was thinking about playing an upright for the 1980 acoustic sets, but forgot to buy one or something and ended up standing in the back playing slightly fewer notes than normal on his normal bass.

Phil, and his upright skills, are inaudible in this video. From looks alone–and bear in mind that I am no musician–it maybe kinda sorta looks like he has no idea what he’s doing. Maybe it sounded great! Could’ve! Totally could’ve! But if you’re only using your eyes? Not a clue.

When I Stack My Masterpiece

band onstage red rocks 3

Precarious Lee never won any awards. He came in third in his sixth grade spelling bee, and that was better than he had expected to do, so he was happy. He created no lasting works; Precarious never learned to sculpt, and he didn’t have the patience for novel-writing.  He facilitated art, but never got around to making any. Precarious has lived his life without inflicting much of a scar on the historical record.

But, Precarious? He did that bullshit right there.

And that bullshit right there?  That’s art.

In Defense Of 1978

IMG_3697

As usual, Enthusiasts, what should be a joyous occasion ends with TotD in a murderous funk. (Murderous Funk is a wideout from Auburn, and fantasy players should look for a big rookie year out of him.) It’s my fault: no one forced me to scroll down on the announcement page for the new July ’78 set. I knew the Dead.net comment section was there. That’s where it’s kept; it would be weird to find it anywhere else.

Did you know that people accuse David Lemieuxnicipalbonds of things? Like, honestly and sincerely think he’s a scandalous scoundrel? Now, I know I do that, but you know the way I do it? They do it the other way.

(Also, let me take a moment to wish DL a happy birthday. The best to him, his wife Regina, and their seven children, Gordie, Girl Gordie, Northstar, Jean-Luc, Fleece, and the twins, Mickie and Billie. I hope those children know how hard their father works down in the choogle mines to provide for them.)

Anyway, in addition to the Box Set, which’ll run you $130, there will also be a single-serving release of the well-known 7/8 Red Rocks show that you can grab for $30; I listened to  it in between shooting the videos that will assuredly be used at the competency hearing in the near future.

The show is morphistic, and it thrumps and enprances the part of your heart where you store the spare boners. (That was the first sentence of my e-mail asking if I could write the liner notes; the e-mail was not returned.) It is also a perfect ’78, which brings me to my point.

I do have a point.

1978 is the best year of the Grateful Dead. Not musically, obviously, and they looked weird that year, too; probably smelled funny. Financially, 1978 was one of the recurring near-bankruptcies. Most of the band were junkies that year, as well. Still: the best.

Therefore, TotD now presents Reasons 1978 Was The Greatest Year EVAR:

Is this because your Twitter friends were being mean to 1978?

Please don’t cockblock the bullet points, Brodysseus.

You’re a petty man.

I felt attacked, and like I was tour-shamed.

Not a thing.

#FREEHAMZA.

Don’t do that.

You’re coming at me with a lot of ’73 Privilege right now.

Shut up.

You need to get woke.

Just do whatever you’re going to do.

Thank you. 1978 Is The Best EVAR:

  • Cuz it is, shut up, you’re not my dad.
  • If you went choose a random ’77 show, you know that it’s going to be good, and that’s boring; if you choose a random ’78, you get to be surprised.
  • Sometimes, the whole band will leave the stage while Garcia solos for a while.
  • And other times, the whole band will not leave the stage while the drummers solo.
  • No one had any idea where to be.
  • 1978 was the year the Dead started playing football stadiums regularly, and every time I have seen the Dead (or What’s Left of ‘Em), it has been in a football stadium: point TotD.
  • There is an astounding amount of arithromancy and sacred numeralizing one can do with the number 1978.
  • If you asked a Grateful Dead about his or her favorite experience, they would surely say Egypt, so why don’t you stop being so selfish and listen to the people who should know?
  • No Transformers films were released in 1978.
  • For the first time in many years, the Dead toured extensively in the Deep South, so I hear a lot of classism implicit in many of these critiques.
  • IN 1972, the Boys went to Europe; in ’78, Egypt: foreign is foreign, so I declare 1978 the winner because it just is, man.
  • How many shows did Keith play well at in 1978?
  • Almost many.
  • A solid plurality.
  • But how many did he play well at in 1968?
  • None at all.
  • The facts make my case for me.
  • Some people believe that there are years in the 80’s better than ’78.
  • Some people just wanna be wrong.
  • Judging from the evidence, David Lemieucinex believes–correctly–that 1978 is a sterling and under-rated year and, you know: he likes the Dead so much he gets paid for it, so I’ll go with his opinion.
  • Although he has stated a preference for ’69.
  • Grateful Dead Archivist David Lemieux enjoys ’69.
  • Sometimes, friends will comment, “All you want is ’69!” and DL will say “I gotta have ’69 all day and twice during the hockey game.”
  • Stop this.
  • GET OUT OF THE BULLET POINTS.
  • You’ve been weird all day and it’s getting weirder, weirdo.
  • Yeah.
  • All right, champ.
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