“All right, that’s it. We’re going outside.”
“Bob, we’re at a press conference.”
“Good! The world needs to know.”
“Know what?”
“You’ll find out. Let’s go, pal. I’m gonna knock the butt off your chin.”
“We’re trying to raise money for AIDS, man.”
“I’ll AIDS you.”
“Nope. Doesn’t make any sense.”
“You are my sworn enemy, Hewis Lewis–”
“Please stop calling me that.”
“–and I’m gonna thump ya. Parking lot time, buddy.”
“I really don’t wanna, Bob.”
CELL PHONE NOISE
…
“What the hell was that?”
“Your cell phone, HuLu.”
“That’s even worse than Hewis. What’s a cell phone?”
“Oh, right. Your band doesn’t have access to Time Sheath technology.”
“I regret ever meeting any of the Grateful Dead. All of you are weirdos.”
CELL PHONE NOISE
“How did this thing get in my pocket?”
“Just answer it, and I’ll explain the concept of semi-fictionality to you afterwards.”
…
“Huey Lewis speaking.”
“Lewis, it’s the President. Do you need backup to fight the hippie?”
“I’ll send Robocop.”
…
“What the fuck is happening?”
“Dammit, Lewis, you’re gonna lay that hippie filth out. You, son, are what’s good with America, and the fairy next to you is what’s wrong. I’ll bet he’s wearing sandals. I’ll bet you can see his toes. Not you, Lewis. You wear shoes like a man. You lace them up in the morning, and don’t remove them until the day’s work is done. I don’t understand much of the youth music, but I can tell a decent Christian man when I see his haircut.”
“Is this Richard Nixon?”
“It is. Elvis refers to me as ‘Nix.’ You, uh, may not do so.”
“I truly wish I had not become involved with the Grateful Dead.”
“That’s it: I’m sending Robocop.”
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