Tag: ron desantis

“Good morning, everyone. Didja grab a donut? We brought a whole assortment. Democrat states are all on fire, but under President Trump’s bold leadership, I’ve provided you with pastry. That’s yet another win for the GOP. Let’s keep it going ’til November, all right? Great.

“Anyways, we’re not here to talk politics. This is about how the people of Florida–all classes: the landed, burghers, villeins, serfs, lifeguards–came together to defeat the Coronavirus and get our state working again. We’ve got the death toll way down, and that’s due to citizens making the right decisions. I guess some credit would also go to the new way we’re calculating the death toll. Everyone suspected of dying from Covid is now listed as being murdered by Antifa. Kills two birds with one stone. Incredible things can be done with math.

“So since the ronus is on the run, I am happy to announce that Palm Beach County will be transitioning to Phase II of Operation: Pull Yourself Up By Your Flip-Flopstraps. Some businesses will reopen, others will be able to expand their services, and high school football practices can go to full-contact. That last part is particularly important to me. I’ve been speaking with coaches all over the state, and they all tell me that their boys are just itching to hit someone. That’s the tough part about being governor. Sometimes, you’re in a position where all the scientists and doctors say one thing, and all the high school football coaches say the opposite. Walk a mile in my shoes, huh?

“We will be opening movie theaters, so everybody can go see that new Christopher Nolan movie. Tenant? Tencent? I don’t really follow that stuff. Time goes back and forth or something, and I think the hero’s a black guy. There will be some restrictions for now. Only half the seats can be sold for any showing, and you’re not allowed to share popcorn anymore. Everyone’s gotta buy their own concessions.

“Also opening up are bowling alleys, and I want all Floridians to know that they will be safe down at the lanes. When you rent your shoes, the guy’s gonna double-spray ’em. Nothing could survive that. If you frequent one of those fancy, family-friendly bowling establishments, then your tapas will be sanitized. If you prefer to roll at a shabbier location, then that guy who hangs out at the bar drinking Bud Lights and looking traumatized named Stinkfinger Lou will be sanitized.”

POTATO-HEADED GOVERNOR BEING HANDED A NOTE NOISE

“Stinkfinger Lou has died. Cause of death was…ah, he was murdered by Antifa. All of Florida mourns.

“Tattoo parlors will be free to operate, so anyone that’s been waiting to stamp their tramp is in luck. What else is gonna open? Skating rinks of the roller and ice varieties. Anything even vaguely golf-related. Gator-processing facilities. Shops that deal in Mah Jongg paraphernalia. Gentlemen’s establishments. Diners that burn down every two years like clockwork. That place on 441 where you run around a maze licking strangers. What’s that place called? Laser Tongue? I went there for birthday parties when I was a kid.

“Ice cream shops may begin handing out samples once more.

“Also some new rules for restaurants. We just gotta get folks into the dining rooms. Outdoor seating just doesn’t work for Florida. It’s too hot, too humid, and the invariable wave after wave of iguana attacks. For eight months a year, outside is a lethal hellscape. And plus the view is just gonna be of a strip mall parking lot. Al fresco sucks.

“But obviously we must be careful with how we reopen the restaurants. We’re limiting table capacity to four, but we will leave it up to individuals whether they want to push tables together. That’s called freedom, liberals. We also will be continuing a halt to the sale of communal alcoholic beverages such as the Scorpion Bowl, the Swamp Cooler, and the world-famous Key Large-O, which I think is almost two gallons of booze. They won’t sell it to fewer than eight people, I know that. And you might have to sign a waiver.

“Buffets will open, but we’re really gonna stress that people use the tongs. Please don’t just grab the crab legs with your hands. Or at least wash your hands first.

“Despite rumors to the contrary, Mickey’s, the restaurant outside Tampa where you choose, catch, slaughter, and prepare your own chicken, will not be reopening. Ever. And that’s not Covid-related, it’s general principle. I’m pro-business, but you’ve gotta draw a line somewhere.

“Other than that: Open! Dim, overpriced steakhouses where the waiters are all on pills? Open! Burger joint that makes you fetch your own Coke and still has the balls to charge $15 for lunch? Open! Bistro where performative homosexuals throw yogurt at rich ladies? Open! Wedgies, where you might get iceberg lettuce and you might get your underwear yanked into your asshole? Open! The Chinese place you don’t like, but it’s close? Open! The Chinese place that’s good, but it’s so far away? Open!

“So, uh, there you go. Let’s eat, drink, and be merry, Florida, and don’t forget to tip your waitstaff.”

POTATO-HEADED GOVERNOR LEAVING THE ROOM, THEN COMING BACK NOISE

“My office will have an official statement on Stinkfinger Lou within the hour. Okay, enjoy the donuts.”

“Good morning, everyone. I’d like to apologize for all the meth-pythons. We don’t know how they got into the Governor’s Mansion, but we’re trying real hard to clear them out. We tried releasing meth-mongooses, but it turns out that mongooses can’t fight pythons like they do cobras. Python is way bigger! The size advantage is simply too great. So, uh, all the mongooses got eaten. And, as I mentioned, they were meth-mongooses, so the pythons also ingested all the meth. Long story short: Be careful. Just be careful.

“I’m going to start with some numbers. 10,213. 433. 61,298. I’m not going to say what those numbers pertain to, but those are the numbers. Maybe they’re how many people love you? Those would be great numbers if that were the category. Or dollars! 10,213 dollars is outstanding. You got that in your pocket, you’re on top of the world. Hey, even 433 dollars is pretty good. Get yourself a nice pair of shoes with that. Treat yourself, man.

“My office keeps getting questions from the press about whether or not there will be a statewide mask mandate, and I’d really like to stop getting those questions. Can you guys be cool, please? Ask about anything else. Did you know over 30% of Florida’s sheriffs are under indictment? Let’s talk about that. Just, you know: enough with the masks, huh?

“Speaking of masks, it is my administration’s position that all the recent mask-related murders would have happened anyway. Floridians can always find a reason to murder someone. If it wasn’t the mask, it would have been something else.

“As most of you know, Disney World is going to be opening up real soon, and everyone’s so happy about that. The folks who run that property are pretty smart cookies, and they’ve cooked up a lot of ways to keep guests safe. For example, there will be no contact with the costumed characters. Turns out there’s absolutely no way to disinfect the costumes. Corona burrows into felt, apparently. Also, the Mickey-shaped waffles will all be wearing little masks made from butter. It’s so cute!

“I would also like to address the hospital situation. There’s a lot of people freaking out about our ICU’s being full, but since when is being at capacity a bad thing? Any restaurant would kill to be as packed as our hospitals right now! I see it as a win.

“Finally, I’d like to speak about our great schools. We’re gonna open all of them back up in August. K through 12, the whole kit and kaboodle. We’ll even take illegal kids. You see a child outside? Grab him and toss him into the nearest school. We must educate our children, and so they’re all going back to class. Precautions will be taken, of course. I am asking that all forms of wrestling be canceled. Greco-Roman, freestyle, gator, whatever. There was some talk about canceling football, too, but that was just homo-talk. Nobody’s canceling football season on my watch.

“Some parents may be worried about the possibility of viral transmission when the kids go back to school, and I’m just gonna be honest: We’re gonna lose a few. ‘Zero dead kids’ is out of the question. We took that off the table at the beginning of our decision-making process. I’m setting the point at ‘some’ dead kids. I can live with ‘some.’ Also, the scientists have told me that the coronavirus rarely takes the good kids. Varsity athletes and honor rollers seem to be mostly immune. The kids at risk are the ones that wear black a lot, or smell, or they’re in the marching band. No child is disposable, but some of ’em are, kind of. You know I’m right.”

POTATO-HEADED STEAKHEAD BEING HANDED A PIECE OF PAPER NOISE

“Huh. The entire NBA has tested positive for the ronus. Okay, then. Great press conference!”

“Good morning to the press and also to the alligators which, according to the Florida constitution, must be housed in the Governor’s Mansion. I’d also like to say good morning to our state’s brave warrior cops. We love cops here; everyone knows that. All the best Cops episodes were shot in Florida; everyone knows that, too. And I’d like to say good morning to the wonderful folks over at Disney World, which will be opening July 11th and I am officially declaring free of not just Corona, but all terrestrial diseases. Nobody dies at Disney World!

“Thanks to my strong leadership, which is predicated upon President Trump’s belief in me, Florida has been almost entirely spared from the ravages of the ronus. You can thank me by reelecting me, and by ignoring my blatant and easily-provable corruption. Now, I know there’s been a spate of fake news lately about our cases going up, but once again: fake news. Hocus pocus, corona’s a jokus. That’s a spell I learned from a Seminole healer. It bends reality to your will. Nice to have in your pocket.

“There’s gonna be people throwing numbers around, but you can’t trust numbers. The Nazis used to tattoo numbers on Jews’ forearms, for Christ’s sake! Numbers are bad news. I like common sense. And my common sense says Go to the casino. Why would my common sense tell me that if it was dangerous? And I trust my gut, too. I’d like to pretend everything was fine, my gut says. I’m not gonna argue with my gut. It’s a lot smarter than some guy with ‘numbers’ and ‘science.’

“Could the print reporters please note that I did the air-quotes gesture when I said ‘numbers’ and ‘science?’ Thanks.

“To sum up my first point: corona shmorona. This is Florida. Everyone who isn’t 80 is a lunatic. People die here a lot. A couple hundred more isn’t a big deal. We can eat that hit.

“Second point: Because of my success at battling the coronavirus, we can now move to Phase III of the reopening. Many of you have asked about the precise metrics we used to make the decision, and I’ll answer that thusly: Seems like time, doesn’t it? It’s enough with the staying home. Most of our children have gone semi-feral. And the economy! Why does the poor economy have to suffer? It doesn’t even exist! Virus can’t do nothing to an economy! It’s cruel to allow that, so all the bargain shoe stores which were kinda grody even before the plague need to reopen.

“Phase III will also legalize the killing of mask-wearers. You’re at Publix and some lady’s got an N95 on? Beat her to death with your shopping cart. You can do that now, because you have freedom. I love freedom.

“Another proviso of Phase III is that water park attendance is gonna be mandatory. Within the next month, every Floridian must visit their local Flumeteria and partake in the wet, wild fun. And there’s gonna be shared bathing suits.

“Social distancing is now forbidden. We are mandating frottage. Everybody just rub up on each other.

“We are reopening Florida. Restaurants, retail, barbershops and gyms. The depressing roadside zoos. The semi-licensed elective surgical centers. The antique shops full of racist crap. The Maserati dealerships. The kava bars. The bait shops where you can also buy meth. The gator farms. The landing strips which aren’t on any map. You know: Florida.

“To celebrate the great news, all Duffy’s locations will be doing a two-for-one burger deal. Which is a tremendous deal, because Duffy’s does a burger that’ll beat the band. And just to cut off your very silly questions at the pass: No, I was not paid by Duffy’s to do an ad for them. I’m the Governor. That would be illegal. Duffy’s did contribute to a discretionary fund which I have access to, but no legal responsibility for. Which is legal. I know it’s legal because we made it legal about six months ago. Tallahassee politics are a thing to see, man.

“Another thing: I am super-psyched for the upcoming Republican National Convention, which has been moved to Jacksonville because we pleased the Allfather. He favors us. We’re gonna have so much fun, and bask in his glory, and it’s just gonna be a shindig. A real shindig. But I need to say this clearly and publicly: Even the mildest of protest will be met with psychotic overreaction. If you go to the arena and start chanting about lives mattering, the police are gonna shoot you in the face with a bazooka. Immediately. There will be no command to disperse. You’re getting your command to disperse right now from me. I will let the National Guard off the leash. Don’t test me, muchachos.

“And, finally, if everyone could stick their fingers in as many strangers’ mouths as possible, I’d really appreciate it.

“Oh! I forgot: Sneeze-guards are now illegal. Restaurants and supermarkets need to remove them from buffets and salad bars by Friday. God bless America and the great state of Florida!”