- I just can’t do this anymore.
- It’s not you, Star Wars, it’s me.
- And you.
- If we’re completely honest, that thing you did where you released three shitty films in a row may have contributed to my SW fatigue.
- Stop crying, Star Wars.
- Yes, I know it’s been almost 40 years that we’ve been together, but it’s just enough with you.
- I’m with Marvel now.
- There.
- I said it.
- Are you happy?
- This is gonna be it for us, Star Wars.
- …
- Because you only have one idea, Star Wars.
- There is a terrible family, who unfortunately are all wizards, and they create galaxy-wide chaos with their bullshit.
- That’s all you are, Star Wars: stories about the Skywalkers bothering people.
- And Ralph McQuarry’s aesthetic.
- You have no other tricks to reveal, Star Wars.
- Why else would you bring back Billy Dee Williams?
- I packed up your zippity-zop guns and bandoliers; you can see the droids on the weekends.
- Tell Tobacco the Space Monkey I say goodbye.
Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To
Tag: star wars (Page 2 of 6)
- Some things were so much clearer
- Once you were in my rearviewmirror.
- That’s by Pearl Jam; it was playing on the radio when I got out of the theater; it has nothing at all to do with Han: A Scoundrel’s Fairytale.
- Nope, nothing at all.
- Nosireebob, the typist said as he listened to a recording made in 1973.
- Spoilers from here on in.
- No foolin’.
- I’m the sun and you’re the mayonnaise; shit will get spoilt.
- S
- P
- O
- I
- L
- T
- Spoilt.
- If you’re still here, then let’s go.
- Punch it, Jewy.
- Okay, first off: I did not know that Melissa McCarthy was in this.
- Or that the plot revolved around her returning to college as a grown mom.
- And that there would be little to no war, be it amongst the stars or anywhere else.
- Pss pss pss.
- I have been informed that I watched Life of the Party instead of Vest: A Sideburns Pew Pew.
- Gimme 143 minutes.
- CASUAL WHISTLING NOISE
- Okay, I have seen the correct film.
- Movie.
- This ain’t a “film.”
- Lawrence of Arabia was a film.
- This here’s a movie.
- So, anyway: Young Han Solo is from Corellia, along with Dragonface McEyebrows, and he loooooooooves her and wants to stick it in her BUT SHE IS BAD, it turns out later.
- You would only see the twist coming if you had ever seen a movie before.
- Or read a book.
- Or just weren’t a complete nincompoop.
- But they start off as street urchins working for Space Fagin.
- Not lying.
- There is absolutely a Space Fagin in this movie.
- He’s a lady Space Fagin, and also a giant tapeworm that’s also a dracula for some reason, but: Fagin.
- I’ll just give you the plot because there are no themes in this movie.
- Maybe it’s about how Han learns to not trust anyone?
- But he should have learned that being a child slave on Corellia.
- And he learns to trust Tobacco the Space Monkey.
- Yeah, I’m gonna go back to my first thought: no themes whatsoever.
- PEW PEW.
- So, now Han’s an Imperial trooper or something and he runs into Woody Harrelson and Thandie Newton.
- And you, sitting in your seat, say, “Hey, it’s Woody Harrelson and Thandie Newton.”
- Which is why you shouldn’t put famous actors in Star Wars.
- Because instead of thinking, “My, what ferocious adventures these rogues are having,” you think, “Hey, that guy knows Bobby.”
- And then Paul Bettany shows up and you start wondering if there are Infinity Gems involved in this bullshit.
- I’m ahead of myself.
- Han is a lot like Rey, or Luke, or–I’m quite sure–Boba Fett in his upcoming dumb-ass prequel in that he can do whatever the plot requires of him at the time.
- Meets an angry Wookiee?
- He can speak Shryiiwook.
- New ship?
- He can fly it.
- Never are we shown him learning these skills, but he has them when he needs them.
- It’s like the creative team rolled for his attributes and then refused to let anyone else see the character sheet.
- (There was all sort of Hollywood machinations going on during the making of the film, including the original directors getting fired and replaced by Ralph Malph, but no one cares. Although the movie was written by Lawrence Kasdan–of Empire fame–and his son, which is sweet. I never wrote a Star Wars with my dad. He punched me a couple times, but never a co-writing credit on a Star Wars. Miss ya, Pop.)
- Fuel!
- Remember fuel?
- We learned in The Last Jedi that ships in Star Wars required fuel.
- Never before had this fact been brought to our attention, but now it’s a thing and Han and his crew have to steal the fuel.
- The fuel is called Plottinium.
- (It’s not, but I’m gonna call it that. Fuck it: Disney doesn’t have a private army. Yet.)
- They gotta get it, and the Plottinium is on a train because it’s not like there’s any other way to transport stuff in the Star Wars Universe.
- Say, a ship that, if under attack, could veer off course and run instead of staying on a track where the robbers would be able to plant bombs and stuff.
- But the plan goes wrong and Thandie Newton and a CG character whose name I didn’t care to listen for die!
- Oh, noes!
- Woody Harrelson is all like, “NOOOOOOO!”
- Because apparently we were supposed to care about Thandie Newton.
- I had not been informed of that fact.
- And the Plottinium gets away with the bad guys, who will later turn out to be multi-ethnic good guys.
- So Han and Chewie and OH, WAIT.
- Woody Harrelson’s name was Tobias Beckett.
- WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF STAR WARS NAME IS TOBIAS FUCKING BECKETT?
- Tobias Beckett is the name of, like, one of Pennsylvania’s representatives at the Constitutional Convention.
- Or your fussy uncle who brings his “friend” Lawrence to family holidays.
- We all know who Lawrence is, Uncle Tobias.
- Stop it with the roommate bullshit.
- Tob Asbeck.
- Kett Siabot.
- Moogoo Gai Pan.
- Those are fucking Star Wars names, Kasdan family.
- Not Tobias fucking Beckett.
- What was Thandie Newton’s name, Ellen Carter?
- Now I’m angry.
- Stop it and get on with whatever this is.
- It’s not a review.
- Clearly not.
- Where was I?
- Oh, right: LANDO!
- Who is Donald Glover in a cape doing a Billy Dee Williams impression.
- AND THEY’RE PLAYING SABACC!
- THAT THING THEY MENTIONED IN ONE OF THE STUPID NOVELS!
- PIUGUH JBIYUWDO{UOUHFG.
- And since they’ve lost the Plottinium, they have to go find more.
- Where could it be?
- Is it under your space bed?
- Did you leave it next to the sink while you were shaving?
- In the freezer next to the banana guacamole?
- No, of course notIT’S ON KESSELKESSELOMIGODKESSEL.
- THAT THING THEY MENTIONED!
- So they go to Kessel, but Kessel is located in some sort of Space Bad Neighborhood and some retconning bullshit about parsecs–THEY MENTIONED PARSECS!–and whatnot and now there’s a “heist.”
- I put heist in quotes because Ocean’s 11 is a heist movie.
- Heist movies require elaborate plans and disguises and things go wrong and everyone is charming.
- They just pretty much walk into the mine and take the stuff.
- Oh, and Lando has a fuckbot.
- Because they can’t give a black man a real girlfriend.
- This is Kessel.
- Stormtroopers be trippin’ now.
- Anyway, the fuckbot dies and Lando is all like “NOOOOOO!”
- Because apparently we were supposed to care about the fuckbot.
- AND THEN THEY MAKE THE KESSEL RUN!
- THAT THING THEY MENTIONED!
- And there is a monster along the way that tries to eat the Millennium Falcon while Han and Chewie try to pilot the ship out of a rapidly-closing exit.
- Because otherwise how would you know it was a Star Wars movie?
- (Oh, yeah: the Falcon is there and all shiny and new and juuuuuuust different enough to require the purchase of a new piece of stamped plastic.)
- YAY!
- They win!
- Only to be double-crossed.
- Betcha didn’t see that coming.
- Oh, you saw that coming?
- Yeah, we all did.
- Han and Paul Bettany and The Pretty One Who Can’t Act shoot at each other–PEW PEW–and there are swords because why wouldn’t there be swords in a galaxy that had learned to control gravity?
- Then, Young Han Solo (I would have paid extra if everyone else in the movie had referred to him as “Young Han Solo” the entire time) gives the Plottinium back to the bad guys who were actually good guys.
- He does the right thing!
- Which, if you think about for more than a second, nullifies his entire arc in Star Wars.
- Ah, well, whatever: WE SAW WHERE HE GOT HIS BLASTER!
- Woody Harrelson gave it to him!
- See you back here in two years for Guards! Guards! A Tale of Gamorrea.
Hey, Falcon. Whatcha doing?
“Blocking traffic.”
You are. Kinda dickish.
“They let you do it when you’re a star.”
Big new movie coming out, huh?
“Eh. Not like the old days. Some little punk’s in the vest. Chewbacca’s a Swede or a Finn or something now. Lando keeps taking off his shirt and dancing meaningfully.”
It ain’t the 1970’s anymore.
“You know who directed me this time?”
Ron Howard.
“Opie! Fucking Opie was telling me what to do. That guy is no fun at all. When we’d finish up on Fridays, he’d break out the Scattergories. Whoopie, right? You know what me and Kershner used to do?”
Coke?
“So much fucking coke! And you know how you were allowed to treat women back then?”
Badly?
“Or well. Or not at all. It was your choice how the interaction unfolded. The good old days.”
Well, it’s not the good old days any longer. Shape up. I can’t bear to read a Ronan Farrow article about you.
“That bastard’s a snitch. And that snitch is a bastard.”
Don’t do that.
“Jeffrey Tambor was right.”
About what?
“About everything.”
I cannot agree with you. Can’t you just be happy you’re back in the spotlight?
“Yeah, sure. Maybe I’ll get a Twitter account and be a thirsty wiener like Hamill. Harrison has the right idea. When they call you, tell ’em to go fuck themselves.”
Why didn’t you?
“Needed the money. I’m paying four alimonies, and one of them is to Loni Anderson. Not a cheap date.”
Just smile and collect the check, man.
“Funny you should say that: Woody Harrelson has that tattooed on his ass in Latin.”
Not surprised.
“Jenkins!”
“Yes, sir.”
“More Chewbacca.”
“Than the last trailer?”
“Than anything. More Chewbacca than anyone had ever conceived possible.”
“Yes, sir.”
“And use the Time Warp for the music.”
“Yes, sir.”
INT – MILLENNIUM FALCON
YOUNG HAN SOLO (played by ALL THE KIDS FROM STRANGER THINGS EXCEPT THE BLACK ONE) paces around the hold. YOUNG LANDO (played by THE BLACK KID FROM STRANGER THINGS) and YOUNG CHEWBACCA (played by a #TIME’SUP PIN) are also there. Everyone is doing SPACE BULLSHIT.
HAN
Hey, Lando. Guess who sent me a hologram?
LANDO
Young Luke Skywalker?
HAN
Who?
LANDO
Oh, right. We haven’t met any of them yet. Who?
HAN
Bryx Darb
LANDO
That is a very Star Wars name.
HAN
Right? We’re going to a 50’s diner, which exist for some reason.
LANDO
You’re gonna wear that?
Young Han Solo is wearing SPACE OVERALLS.
HAN
What’s wrong with this?
Lando and Chewie look at each other and shake their heads. Chewie makes ONE OF THE NOISES THAT MAKES NERDS CUM. They both GET UP and walk into the COCKPIT, where Chewie HITS HIS HEAD on a PAIR OF DICE HANGING FROM THE REARVIEW and all the NERDS CUM AGAIN.
INT – THE SPACE MALL
Wacky ALIENS and THAT SORT OF BULLSHIT walk around the FOOD COURT where SPACE TEENS are SPACE FLIRTING.
HAN
Guys, I don’t know about this.
LANDO
Han, old pal, we’re gonna make you look groovy.
CHEWIE
<Wookiee sound.>
They enter a store: HOLO-CHESS KING.
SOUND CUE: WALKING ON SUNSHINE BY KATRINA AND THE WAVES
Lando and Chewie sit outside a DRESSING ROOM. A retail CLERK played by Kevin Spacey Christopher Plummer is with them.
Han emerges in a COMICAL OUTFIT. Lando, Chewie, and the clerk SHAKE THEIR HEADS. He REENTERS the dressing room.
Han comes back out in a WHITE BLOUSE AND BEIGE LEGGINGS. The nerds CUM. The clerk DOES, TOO. Lando and Chewie are UNIMPRESSED. BACK IN the dressing room.
Han re-emerges wearing a COAT MADE OUT OF WOOKIEE FUR. Chewie does that thing where he SHAKES HIS SPACE MONKEY ARMS OVER HIS HEAD. Lando attempts to hold Chewie down, but is THROWN OUT THE WINDOW TO HIS DEATH.
The clerk pulls a weapon.
HAN
No blasters! No blasters!
Chewie EATS the clerk.
Han takes off the coat.
HAN
Okay, okay. No need to get nuts. It’s fake!
Chewie examines the coat. They have a BIG LAUGH.
HAN
What about this?
Han pulls a BLACK VEST and WHITE SHIRT off of a hanger. Chewie approves.
INT – DEATH STAR
A CREEPY CGI MOFF TARKIN and a DARTH VADER THAT DOESN’T LOOK RIGHT stand at a monitor looking at the SPACE MALL.
TARKIN
You may fire when ready.
VADER
I’ll teach you to ban me from Sears!
TARKIN
You were hitting on teenagers, Darth.
VADER
The Force wants what the Force wants.
SHZWAM!
“LUKE.”
…
“LUKE.”
…
“LUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUKE.”
“What!?”
“LET’S GET PANINIS.”
“Dad, I’m meditating.”
“YOU’RE ALWAYS MEDITATING. COME ON, PANINIS. I’M BUYING.”
“I have plans for lunch.”
“YOU’RE NOT GOING TO SUCKLE THOSE ALIEN COW-THINGS, ARE YOU?”
“I don’t suckle them.”
“NEAR ENOUGH. IT IS OFFPUTTING. WHAT WOULD YOUR MOTHER HAVE THOUGHT?”
“I have no idea what she would have thought. I never met her and you won’t talk about her.”
“SHE WAS A TERRIBLE ACTRESS.”
“That doesn’t help, Dad.”
“LUKE, DON’T PUSH ME AWAY AGAIN. NOW THAT WE ARE BOTH FORCE GHOSTS, WE CAN TRULY GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER.”
“You’re just lonely because none of the other Force Ghosts will talk to you.”
“LOT OF BAD FEELINGS THERE. OBI-WAN CAN REALLY HOLD A GRUDGE.”
“Well, in his defense, you broke his heart. I think in this discussion, he holds the moral high ground.”
“I TOLD YOU NOT TO USE THAT PHRASE.”
“What about Qui-Gon? Go hang out with him.”
“THAT GUY SUCKS.”
“He’s not that bad.”
“HE IS A MIDI-CHLORIAN TRUTHER. THAT THEORY HAS BEEN THOROUGHLY DEBUNKED. IT’S LIKE TALKING TO A FLAT-CORSUSCANTER.”
“You’re very judgmental .”
“I AM HUNGRY. PANINI TIME.”
“All right, fine.”
“EXCELLENT. TOGETHER, WE WILL EAT THE PANINIS SIDE-BY-SIDE, FATHER AND SON.”
“If you say so. Dad?”
“YES, MY SON?”
“Why are still in the whole get-up with the voice and whatever? I thought when you turned into a Force Ghost, you reverted back to your old self.”
“WHO WOULD YOU HAVE ME LOOK LIKE? HAYDEN CHRISTIANSON OR THE OLD CABBAGE-HEAD GUY?”
“Those are terrible choices.”
“YES, MY SON. BESIDES, I AM A DARTH. YOU CAN’T SHOW UP IN BLUE JEANS AND A BALL CAP AND EXPECT PEOPLE TO CALL YOU DARTH. DARTHS ARE SCARY.”
“So go back to being Anakin.”
“ANAKIN WAITS IN LINE FOR PANINIS. DARTH VADER GETS SERVED IMMEDIATELY. KEEPING THE ARMOR.”
“Fine. Let’s go.”
“AND WE NEED TO STOP AT SPACE WALMART ON THE WAY.”
“I have a bad feeling about this.”
I don’t get it. Why would you post a picture of–
…
…
…
Ohhhh.
Spoiler.
Sure. Technically, though, that is a wing.
I’m just gonna go into the bullet points and ignore you.
Where everyone will ignore you.
- The Force.
- It binds us.
- Penetrates us.
- Nibbles on our ear just the way we like.
- Maybe some prostate milking.
- We’re getting ahead of ourselves.
- Zip!
- Zop!
- Pew pew pew.
- And hope.
- Gotta be honest: I’m a bit fucking hoped out with these Star Wars movies.
- There’s too much hope.
- How about bitter disappointment, Star Wars?
- Inappropriate sexual arousal?
- Ennui?
- Any other emotion than hope, and I need blank-faced British women with pointy chins to stop blathering about it.
- (Here’s the closest I’ll come to an actual review: The Last Jedi is better than Rogue One in every way, but especially in that I did not want to shoot the lead character out of an airlock 20 minutes in. The first flick in this current trilogy (let’s call it A Nu-Hope) was more fun than this, partially because the second act wasn’t spent watching Lucy and Ethel wander around Space Caesar’s Palace interacting with mostly-finished CGI.)
- None of this bullshit matters, or at least it shouldn’t to adults: there are no ideas here.
- Quite a few long articles have been written about how The Last Jedi sits in the #METOO thing, or that Poe Dameron is toxic masculinity, or how the porgs represent the Baltic States during the Cold War, but you should remember that all the people who wrote all that bullshit got paid to do so, and if they had any useful skills, then they wouldn’t write for a living.
- Anyway: the plot, as it was.
- Did it start with pew pew pew?
- I think it started with some pew pew pew.
- Oh, right, the thing with the bomber ships that weren’t B-Wings and everyone died heroically or whatever except for Oscar Isaac.
- Oscar Isaac was, once again, doing his Al Pacino in 1973 impression.
- Carrie Fisher shows up and says “hope” a lot.
- Listen, I loved Carrie Fisher just as much as the rest of you, but the woman couldn’t act.
- Also: they should have killed her off onscreen because I’m already dreading the opening funeral scene of Episode IX.
- Then there is a low-speed chase across the galaxy, much like O.J.’s Bronco ride, and we learn that spaceships in Star Wars now require fuel.
- And if you run out of fuel, you immediately start drifting towards the shoulder as though your Mon Calamari capital ship were a 2002 Toyota Camry.
- Then there’s an old guy and British girl on an island with turtlemonsters and penguin-things and Tobacco the Space Monkey, and it rains there quite a bit–which you would think would make it a terrible place to store antique books–and we see the third variation on “Jedi training” in eight movies.
- This version is just as shoddy as the other two.
- A refresher:
- Gymnastics in a swamp with a frog-person on your back.
- Raised from childhood to be a creepy, sexless, incompetent space-Franciscan.
- And now Iteration #3: waving a lightsaber at some rocks while psychic-Skyping with a dude who keeps sexy-whispering at you.
- Is there a gymnasium on the First Order ships where Kylo Ren does his chest exercises?
- And is their Force-link always open?
- “Rey, let me tell you about the Dark Side.”
- “I’M IN THE GODDAMNED BATHROOM, BENJY!”
- “Don’t call me that.”
- “GET OUT!”
- “Let me watch.”
- “OUT!”
- Then the Finn and Whatshername go to a place to get a thing and Justin Theroux is there for some reason.
- If we’re grading Therouxes: Paul>Louis>Justin.
- And just when you’re not expecting it: BOOM Benicio Del Toro out of nowhere.
- Every time I see Benicio Del Toro onscreen, I think to myself, “Why wasn’t that guy a huge star?” and then he says his first line and I think, “Oh, right.”
- Just say the fucking lines, Benicio Del Toro.
- (An aside: Benicio Del Toro’s character’s stutter = General Grievous’ cough. A completely pointless and distracting tic that substitutes for character development and will undoubtedly be given a stupid origin in some upcoming SW novel.)
- Some bullshit about a necklace?
- A double-cross, maybe?
- Stampeding the dog-horses?
- Whatever: they get the thing or maybe they don’t or maybe it never mattered in the first place and I am cranky at this point because there has been no pew pew pew for at least an hour.
- More hope.
- Laura Dern is far too tall.
- Get to the transports.
- The Rebellion/Resistance/Revanchists/Redoutables spend a good quarter of every single day of their lives getting to the transports.
- It’s like their first move.
- Second move, of course, being Direct Frontal Assault.
- “Okay, half of you get to the transports. The other half, fly right at them. May the Force be with you.”
- Then there’s a planet made of production values.
- Very photogenic planet.
- And the Reboobulizers have an excellent plan: a big door.
- A large door will surely hold off the enemy.
- Hey, it’s Luke!
- And he’s got a plan, too!
- “I have a plan.”
- “Get to the transports?”
- “No.”
- “Direct frontal assault?”
- “Kinda.”
- “Kinda?”
- “You ever see Superman II?”
- And then Luke Skywalker Superman II‘ed his nephew.
- Random thoughts:
- I spent a good 80% of this film waiting for Billy Dee Williams to show up; I don’t know how the idea got in my head that he would appear, but I kept looking for him.
- So glad Max Katana or whatever the fuck Mrs. Magoo is called came back.
- Supreme Monster Snoopy’s guards looked like they were wearing the protective suits that the “attackers” in self-defense courses wear.
- At one point during the pew pew pew, Oscar Isaac’s X-Wing performs a handbrake turn, and I congratulate the filmmakers for having the restraint to not include the sound of screeching tires.
- Although, speaking of sound: John fucking Williams, man.
- “Why are we all standing here like this?”
- “It’s the end of the movie.”
And there you have it.
Excuse me.
Yes?
Your thoughts on The Last Jedi are Emmylou Harris’ cover of a Bruce Springsteen tune?
Yes. This just about covers it.
How so?
Are you familiar with Interpretationalism?
You’re not allowed to just make up philosophies.
Why? That’s what philosophers do.
And that’s why no one likes them. Be better than this.
I don’t wanna.
Do it anyway.
Maybe.
TotD is seeing Starble Warble or whatever the fuck it’s called on Tuesday, so anyone recounting plot points in the Comment Section will get their hand lopped off.
- This shit again?
- This Star Wars bullshit is like herpes; flares up once a year or so.
- Is Woody Harrelson in this?
- Hey, look: it’s her.
- The one who’s not Keira Knightley.
- Keira Might-Be.
- Keira Mostley.
- Near-a Knightley.
- Where does the food come from on this magical island where Luke’s been living?
- I didn’t see any agricultural concerns during the flyover.
- And now she’s playing with the magic sword and there’s robot hands.
- Luke is coaching her up.
- And then he sends her into a spooky cave.
- I guess we’ve tossed out the “Jedi Academy” bullshit from the prequels and have gone back to the “calisthenics and spooky cave” method of pedagogy.
- Someone in a robe yells some semi-Buddhist bullshit at you while you exercise, spooky cave: boom, you’re a Jedi.
- Getting your Jedi certificate is easier than getting your weed card, apparently.
- Spaceships!
- Darth Whiner!
- Aw.
- Now I’m sad.
- I was against the horridly cheap-looking CG in Rogue One that brought young Carrie Fisher back to life, but I would be in favor of bringing old Carrie Fisher back to life for a spectacular death scene.
- Like, the bad guys shoot her right in the face with the Death Star.
- And when the smoke clears, there she is.
- Still alive.
- All burned and shit, with just one white eye peering out from her blackened face, and she yells “FULLY OPERATIONAL, MY ROYAL DICK!” and they have to shoot her two or three times more before she dies.
- I’d be okay with that.
- Hey, it’s Tobacco the Space Monkey!
- Black guy fights shiny lady.
- Uh-oh!
- What’s this?
- Someone has a destiny?
- I wonder what they’ll be told to do with it?
- Fulfill it?
- In a Star Wars movie?
- Wow, that’s a brave choice.
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