I found this in the archives and fixed up all the broken parts. It’s a trifle, but why take yourself so seriously?
“Morning, everyone. We have some hermetically-sealed influencers and YouTubers here with us in person, and that’s great. Until they break mine or Kathleen Kennedy’s Personal Health Radii. Then, things are gonna be less than great. We’ll mow you peasants down. Stay where we put you.
“Everybody else is at home, and that’s for the best. Our announcements are gonna be around six hours. We’re really going for it today. Literally every dumb idea we’ve had for the past ten years. I might improvise a couple shows. We’ve also got some new trailers, which is exciting, and we’ve got title-cards, which we’re gonna pretend are the same as trailers.
“Let’s start off with Star Wars. Yay, Star Wars! It’s back. It never went away, but it’s back. Mandalorian, huh? The helmet, the baby, it’s a Western. The kids love him, and the guy who plays him is Hispanic. So that checks off a lot of boxes for us. We’re going deep into Mando. Everyone who’s been on the show is getting a spin-off. Beefy Muscle Lady and Apollo Creed are gonna team up. Remember the IG droid that blew itself up? He’s getting a prequel.
“We’re also gonna be digging into the Original Trilogy and giving everyone shows. Remember the guy with the walrus-face? His name was Ponda Baba, and he’s got a show. Hammerhead? Show. The early life of Bib Fortuna? Show. Everyone gets a show and none of it makes sense unless you watch all of it.”
DIAOBOLICAL LAUGHTER NOISE
“We’re gonna have a show with multiple Jabbas. And they’re gonna get it on. Everyone told me, ‘Bob, they’re not called Jabbas. They’re Hutts.’ I pissed on their shoes. ‘I says they’re Jabbas,’ I said. They agreed with me pretty quick. We’re gonna have Jabba-orgies.
“Jesus, you just wanna reach out and know someone’s there. Have someone join you in the warm confusion of existence. It’s so fucking confusing. You just hunt around for the point, and I don’t think it’s a fair game, so you just…you just don’t wanna do it alone. You can’t do it alone.
“Disney can’t do anything for that, but we got Jedis. You can bear the torment of life for 45 more minutes as long as those 45 minutes are full of Jedis. Or superheroes. Who loves superheroes? Me, too.
“First big announcement is that we’re doing Fantastic Four. Stretchy-Man, the See-Through Lady, Hot Guy, and Pebble-Ass. Everybody’s favorite family is gonna team up and punch the armored foreigner. You’ve been waiting to see it for so long.
“Also, we’re doing the Eternals. Or the Inhumans. Or the Celestials. I always get those three confused. Are they all from space? One’s from the moon. The Celestials are real big, I think.
“I’m gonna be honest with you: We’re maybe six months away from doing The Beyonder. Omnipotent being from beyond the stars who, for some reason, only wanted to see Spidey punch the Wrecking Crew in their faces? Just the dumbest fucking plot device in the history of comic books? Yeah. That. We’re doing that, and you’re gonna thank us with money.
“Y’know what? Fuck it: Moon Knight. No one’s ever liked Moon Knight. Hell, no writer’s ever figured out who he is besides ‘legally not-Batman.’ Moon Knight’s coming, and if you don’t like it, I’ll piss on your shoes.
“All right, have the influencers and YouTubers killed.”
“What’s your name?”
“What’s your last name?”
“Rey Bacca. That’s my full name.”
“I’m sorry, do you think that his name is Chew Bacca?”
“What are you, an idiot?”
“That’s how we were introduced.”
“Well, if I’m honest: My Shyriiwook is a bit rusty. I only understood maybe 30% of what came out of Chew’s mouth.”
“HIS NAME IS NOT CHEW.”
“You didn’t even know him!”
“I’ve never fucked a Jawa, but I know it’s unpleasant.”
“It is absolutely not racist to say you don’t wanna fuck a reptile in a robe.”
“They’re reptiles? I thought they were like little monkeys or something.”
“Monkeys? Jesus, now who’s space-racist?”
“We’ve veered from the point. My name is Rey Bacca.”
“I’m just astonished how wrong you are.”
“I’m not wrong.”
“You think that on official paperwork, Chewbacca is known as ‘Bacca, Chew?'”
“There might be a middle name.”
“Yeah, you’re an idiot. Is Chew short for anything?”
“I’m gonna ride off on my weird, stupid-looking desert horse-monster now.”
“Well, what’s your name?”
“What’s your last name?”
“Obi. My name is Ken Obi.”
“Oh, go fuck yourself.”
“Kiss my sarlaac.”
Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker was (a rousing end to a triumphant trilogy/the cinematic equivalent of a doody-covered needle in the eyeball). There were so many spaceships and laser swords and spooky aliens that I shat myself (out of joy/from boredom). We got to find out how the new characters (who were so memorable/whose names I cannot recall) fared, and see the returning cast (get their moments in the sun/literally decay before your eyes). I was most excited to see (Artoo/the spectre of death superimposed over every frame of the film).
Director J.J. Abrams has hit (a home run/me in the dick) with this movie! He had a lot of work to do after the Rian Johnson-directed The Last Jedi, which was (mildly controversial in some corners/just like 9/11 in every way), but he manages to (tie up all the loose ends/further shame and horrify anyone stupid enough to love Star Wars in the first place). My favorite part was (the return of Emperor Palpatine/the popcorn-shit I took when I got home). I hope Disney has (1000 more of these movies in the pipeline/assassins they can send to just fucking kill me)!
Vive le (Star Wars/guillotine)!
I’ll do it, but not for free.
EDIT: I am altering the deal. Valued Commentator Occidental Poppy suggests that I also take donations to not write about the Prequels; this is an excellent idea and is now implemented.
DOUBLE EDIT: No, fuck it: I’m taking it several steps further. You are all now being held hostage. Thoughts on the Prequels is a threat. Pay me, or I’ll do it. I swear, man, I’ll do it.