Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: taylor swift (Page 2 of 2)

A Conversation No One Expected

July 18, 2016 / / 9 Comments

pigpen back street dog

Hey, Pig. Whatcha doing?

“Bein’ a role model to man and beast alike!”

That dog seems to like you.

“He ain’t lovin’ the Pig! He lovin’ the ham!”

…

“I got me a samwich!”

Oh. Camera’s behind you.

“Which is why I done explained the situation! You thick as Boston molasses! Now: tell the Pig what’s goin’ on out there.”

You don’t want to know. Also: you’re in, what, 1967? There is quite literally no point of reference.

“Gettin’ bad?”

Weird, more like.

CELL PHONE NOISE

CELL PHONE NOISE

“What the hell is that racket!?”

Check your pocket.

…

“What the hell is this contraption!?”

What does it look like?

“I got no frame of reference!”

Uh-huh. Just swipe the button.

…

“It’s very intuitive!”

Sure.

“You got the Pig on the line!”

“Please hold for Taylor Swift.”

“Who!?”

Oh, COME ON.

taylor_swift_-_apple_iphone_-_5

“Is this the Pigpen? Oh my God, I am SUCH a huge fan of yours, and your music, and your unreleased solo albums. Would you like to date?”

“What!?”

…

“All right, listen to me, you filthy urchin: my team has crunched the numbers and for some ungodly reason, being seen with you in public is the only thing that will shore up the breaches. I’M FUCKING DYING HERE. And you’re gonna help me, or it’s gonna be bad for you, you got that?”

“Who dis?”

“Taylor FUCKING Swift, you cocksucker! I am motherfucking WHITE GIRL JESUS and I have told you to JUMP, you shitty little mutant, and now you are gonna ask me, ‘HOW FUCKING HIGH UP YOUR ASS, Ms. Swift?’ and I will not have your family MURDERED BY HYENAS in front of you!”

“Well, whaddya look like?”

“Hold on. Sending a pic.”

“What!?”

DING!

“Well, ain’t that magic.”

…

“Heh. Yeah, no. Sorry, little girl: you are the opposite of my type! It ain’t gonna work!”

“WHAT? YOU CUMSTAINED PILE OF AIDS-SHIT! I’M GONNA–”

DIAL TONE EVEN THOUGH PHONES DO NOT DO THAT ANYMORE

…

“I’m gonna chuck this gadget down the sewer and go get drunk!”

That’s the best decision anyone’s made today.

“They don’t call me the Pig for nothin’.”

Shakedown It Off

July 18, 2016 / / 3 Comments

CELL PHONE NOISE

CELL PHONE NOISE

“John Mayer, international poontang slayer.”

“Please hold for Taylor Swift.”

“What?”

EXCLUSIVE: Taylor Swift In A Heated Discussion On Her Cell Phone

“John, things are fucked up.”

“Why are you calling me?”

“Because people are treating me the way they treat you, John. Help me or I will destroy you.”

“Taylor.”

“I’ve grown so powerful in the years since we spoke.”

“Taylor.”

“I’ve received so many awards, and been so surprised at each one.”

…

“I’ve also dated.”

“You do enjoy dating.”

“And having friends.”

“You have the best friends.”

“John, I have a proposal: we get back together.”

“Taylor, we are never, ever getting back together.”

“I see what you did there.”

“Yeah. Anyway: no: we banged for two months and you wrote a song about what a sleaze I am.”

“I was a naive young girl, and you took advantage of that. You killed love, John.”

“Uh-huh. And the literally millions of dollars you made off the song and the attendant narrative casting me as the douchebag?”

…

“That was business, John.”

“Good-bye.”

DIAL TONE EVEN THOUGH PHONES DO NOT DO THAT ANYMORE

 

Bowled Over

February 16, 2016 / / 4 Comments

Y’know, that was a shitty Rock Nerd thing to do this morning. Kendrick Lamar is great. The way he talks about things over music? That’s some good talking-over-music.

Anyway, let’s make amends: the video above is the multi-talented Taylor Swift from last night’s show.

Nope. Holly Bowling playing Eyes of the World.

Oh. Not Taylor Swift?

Nope.

The musical talent should have given it away?

…

Were you making a little Tay-Tay joke when you called her “multi-talented?”

Not at all. She can be photographed from the left or right.

Sure.

Ryan Adams’ Next Career Moves

September 21, 2015 / / 24 Comments
  • Track-by-track cover of Katy Perry’s last album, which Pitchfork gives a 9.3.
  • Note-for-note cover of Yummy Yummy Yummy by the 1910 Fruitgum Company Ohio Express, which merits five interviews in Grantland.
  • Copies out the April ’12 issue of Spin longhand; Spin reprints it in its entirety.
  • Finally gives in and covers Summer of ’69, but with an acoustic guitar!
  • He really makes the song his own!
  • And by “his own,” I mean it sounds like something Paul Westerberg left off one of his later solo albums.
  • Has his good buddy Ed Sheeran over to the house, breaks out the acoustic guitars, and goes utterly HOUSE on an ASAP Rocky track.
  • Nicki Minaj cover, but Ryan changes all the pronouns so now the song is about a guy who only blows cocaine dealers: Rolling Stone gives it 5 stars.
  • Shot-by-shot remake of the Bad Blood video, except Ryan Adams can’t get stars to do cameos, so he plays all the parts; Sasha Frere-Jones writes a ten-thousand word article about how everything he knew was wrong up until the moment he saw this video.
  • Cuts out the middle-man and just covers the last decade of McDonald’s jingles; the New York Times calls it “a masterpiece” and then denies ever employing Judith Miller.

This Year’s Model

August 5, 2015 / / 0 Comments

john mayer douche clothesWhy are you wearing all of your clothes at once?

“I’m a cowboy.”

No, you can’t think you’re a cowboy. Bobby thinks he’s a cowboy. That’s his thing.

“Wow, man: what a hater you are. Not even gonna congratulate me?”

Did you buy a new watch?

“On the gig.”

Good for you. You practicing?

“Oh, yeah. Nothing but. Listening to shows and playing guitar and reading Hitler’s speeches.”

Sure. What?

“It is worth learning German. Lot of nuance in his arguments that just get boiled down to “the Jews did it.'”

This is weird stuff coming from you, John Mayer.

“It is weird that in this actual interview you’re doing with me, rock and comedy’s John Mayer, I’m expressing these kind of fringe and offensive opnions, but: there you go. Also: Team Cosby.”

This is so strange, you must admit.

“I also must admit to drifting from town to town in the suburban summer nights, hopping fences and shitting in pools.”

You monster! Poor children need public pools!

“I need to do it! For my boners!”

Wait. You mean–

“Yes: John Mayer can only achieve an erection by taking a dump in someone else’s pool. Preferably off the diving board, but I’m not picky.”

Does Katy know about this?

“Oh, yeah. She’s into pool-play now.”

Ew.

“She hates that Taylor Swift, y’know.”

I heard.

“I banged that Taylor Swift, y’know.”

Yes.

“Fucked her so hard a song popped out.”

Wow.

“You wanna see my Confederate Flag tattoo? The stars are swastikas.”

OKAY. That’s enough.

Aw.

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