• Why?
  • Like, a million “whys” in a row, all lined up and in their spiffiest hats.
  • Why does this exist, why did I watch it, why is Tom Hardy talking like that, why does a merciful Lord allow such horror, all kinds of whys.
  • I wonder if the evil scientist bad guy will play God a bit too much and end up being taken over by a symbiote and then fight Venom in the third act?
  • Yup.
  • He will.
  • Aw, poor Michelle Williams.
  • You deserve better than Venom.
  • Greater tragedy in Michelle Williams’ life: Heath Ledger’s death or Venom?
  • Is there at least any good violence in this movie about a muckmonster biting off peoples’ heads?
  • [CHECKS RATING.]
  • [IT IS PG-13.]
  • Fuck.
  • Seriously, what is Tom Hardy doing and was there no one on set who could stop him?
  • I believe he is doing an imitation of Eric Roberts in Pope of Greenwich Village.
  • “DEY TOOK MY T’UMB, CHAHLIE!”
  • No one in New York still speaks that way, Tom Hardy.
  • And, besides, the movie is set in San Francisco.
  • (Which is the only non-embarrassing ingredient in the film. Tom Hardy goes walking through SF several times, and the city always looks beautiful. A bit hilly, but pretty.)
  • Oh, hey, it’s that guy.
  • Dan from Veep.
  • In Venom, his character is named…wait for it…Dan.
  • Which made it easier for me, honestly.
  • Although, I did keep waiting for him to unleash with some high-energy Armando Ianucci-flavored vulgarity, but he did not.
  • Just kinda said some exposition.
  • Good for him in getting into a big movie, though.
  • Venom should eat lawyers’ heads.
  • The only reason this movie exists is because lawyers are scum.
  • You know the whole Marvel/Sony bullshit, and if you don’t: you’re better off.
  • Shakespeare was right: first thing we do is kill all the lawyers.
  • Of course, Shakepeare put that line in the mouth of a character named “Dick the Butcher” and clearly intended it to be the plan of a villain.
  • Still, though: kill all the lawyers.
  • And then Venom and the similarly-powered bad guy punch one another while hanging onto a rocketship that is launched from ten yards off the San Francisco coast.
  • Which seems like poor placement for what is essentially a giant bomb.
  • Anyway, Venom wins because Tom Hardy’s lips are so plump and fuckable, and then Woody Harrelson shows up in a Little Orphan Annie wig.
  • You doubt me?
  • Those that doubt me, watch Venom by choice.
  • Woody will be playing the bad guy in the next film–assuming there is one–who is also a symbiote and is named…
  • Ravage?
  • Slaughterfingers?
  • Sliced Nipple Sandwich?
  • …
  • CARNAGE.
  • Right.
  • His name is “Carnage,” which is way less stupid than the names I came up with.
  • And that’s about it, Enthusiasts.
  • We must destroy Carnage.