- Why?
- Like, a million “whys” in a row, all lined up and in their spiffiest hats.
- Why does this exist, why did I watch it, why is Tom Hardy talking like that, why does a merciful Lord allow such horror, all kinds of whys.
- I wonder if the evil scientist bad guy will play God a bit too much and end up being taken over by a symbiote and then fight Venom in the third act?
- Yup.
- He will.
- Aw, poor Michelle Williams.
- You deserve better than Venom.
- Greater tragedy in Michelle Williams’ life: Heath Ledger’s death or Venom?
- Is there at least any good violence in this movie about a muckmonster biting off peoples’ heads?
- [CHECKS RATING.]
- [IT IS PG-13.]
- Fuck.
- Seriously, what is Tom Hardy doing and was there no one on set who could stop him?
- I believe he is doing an imitation of Eric Roberts in Pope of Greenwich Village.
- “DEY TOOK MY T’UMB, CHAHLIE!”
- No one in New York still speaks that way, Tom Hardy.
- And, besides, the movie is set in San Francisco.
- (Which is the only non-embarrassing ingredient in the film. Tom Hardy goes walking through SF several times, and the city always looks beautiful. A bit hilly, but pretty.)
- Oh, hey, it’s that guy.
- Dan from Veep.
- In Venom, his character is named…wait for it…Dan.
- Which made it easier for me, honestly.
- Although, I did keep waiting for him to unleash with some high-energy Armando Ianucci-flavored vulgarity, but he did not.
- Just kinda said some exposition.
- Good for him in getting into a big movie, though.
- Venom should eat lawyers’ heads.
- The only reason this movie exists is because lawyers are scum.
- You know the whole Marvel/Sony bullshit, and if you don’t: you’re better off.
- Shakespeare was right: first thing we do is kill all the lawyers.
- Of course, Shakepeare put that line in the mouth of a character named “Dick the Butcher” and clearly intended it to be the plan of a villain.
- Still, though: kill all the lawyers.
- And then Venom and the similarly-powered bad guy punch one another while hanging onto a rocketship that is launched from ten yards off the San Francisco coast.
- Which seems like poor placement for what is essentially a giant bomb.
- Anyway, Venom wins because Tom Hardy’s lips are so plump and fuckable, and then Woody Harrelson shows up in a Little Orphan Annie wig.
- You doubt me?
- Those that doubt me, watch Venom by choice.
- Woody will be playing the bad guy in the next film–assuming there is one–who is also a symbiote and is named…
- Ravage?
- Slaughterfingers?
- Sliced Nipple Sandwich?
- …
- CARNAGE.
- Right.
- His name is “Carnage,” which is way less stupid than the names I came up with.
- And that’s about it, Enthusiasts.
- We must destroy Carnage.
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Too bad Larry Cohen didn’t direct it-he hasn’t directed a movie in years, but I bet he would do so if he can. It would have been more ridiculous. I haven’t wanted to see Venom. I probably won’t.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2pW99eaMons
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nCE3xpqBNdM