“Hey, Brent.”
“Hey, Bobby. Been forever.”
“Well, you know: whose fault is that? We have a time machine. You’re always welcome to come by.”
“Yeah?”
“Sure, of course, yeah. Would you wear the outfit?”
“Can’t really just walk around in 2016. I died a million years ago.”
“What about once you’re in the house?”
“Well, in the house I would just prefer to wear the suit.”
“Uh-huh. Is it comfortable?”
“It’s the real me, Bob.”
“Ah.”
“It makes sense: I’m slow, and shy, and get arrested a lot. Just like a turtle. I’m a turtle, Bob.”
“I think you’ve been fucking around with the Time Sheath too much and you’re going a little nuts, buddy.”
“That’s absurd and offensive. I am not crazy.”
…
…
…
“I’m a turtle.”
“Dammit, Mydland, you’re not a turtle. It’s just a suit. You’re a dead keyboardist with inexplicable access to a time machine. And also, you know: you’re getting a bit gamey.”
“That’s my musk. It attracts lady turtles.”
“Turtle foxes?”
“Hey, man: turtle or not, I’m still a rock star.”
“Sure, sure. Brent, can I talk to Lesh for a minute?”
“Of course.”
SIDLE SIDLE SIDLE
“Phil, uh, did you know Brent had gone nuts?”
“He’s not crazy.”
…
…
…
“He’s a turtle.”
“Oh, not you, too.”
“If a fully-defunct choogly-type keyboardist identifies as a turtle, then who am I to deny him his truth?”
“What’s your angle?”
“I’d have to pay a kid to wear the suit. Brent just thinks he’s a turtle that lives in my backyard: he’s free.”
“Being a business owner has changed you.”
“It’s all about the margins, man.”
“Are you feeding him?”
“I assume so. He’s still alive, isn’t he?”
“Where’s he going to the bathroom?”
…
SIDLE SIDLE SIDLE
“Mydland, I got a question for you.”
“Sure, Phil.”
“And don’t lie to me.”
“I’m not a liar.”
…
…
…
“I’m a turtle.”
“Fine, whatever: I want you to look me in the eye.”
“Okay, but my actual eyes are in the turtle’s neck.”
“Noted. Have you been pooping on the bocce courts?”
“Absolutely.”
“MOTHERFUCKER! Why!?”
…
…
“Enough with the fucking ellipses! You’re not a turtle, or you are a turtle, or I don’t give a shit! Stop shitting on my lawn! Use the toilet!”
“Toilets are for people, Phil.”
“YOU’RE A PEOPLE!”
…
…
…
“I’m a–”
“Oh, fuck you.”
“–turtle.”
Two cows are in a field.
One turns to the other and says, “So, whattya think about Mad Cow Disease?”
The other replies, “What in the hell do I care? I’m a tractor.”