Are you fleeing?
“No, of course not. I’m camping.”
…
“Yeah, I’m fleeing. I smell doom. Society has, like, ten weeks left.”
So you bolted a tent onto the top of your Land Rover?
“This is one of several escape vehicles for Goodbye Day.”
Goodbye Day?
“That’s what we call the day the supply chains sever and the power goes out. We think it’s real close!”
Who is “we?”
“Luxury Survivalists. Our bug-out bags are Louis Vuitton.”
Dammit, Meyers.
“Birkins for the ladies, obviously.”
Who is in this group with you?
“Bill Maher, Steve Aoki. Posty.”
Post Malone?
“I’m his friend. I call him Posty. We all went in on a ranch in New Zealand to get our citizenships, and we have a G6 on 24-hour standby. G6 can do that route non-stop.”
So what’s the hippie van for?
“What if antifa blows up the plane?”
Antifa?
“Or the Boogaloo Boys.”
How long are you spending on the internet each day?
“Not gonna lie: I have increased my consumption recently.”
You’re not gonna get into Qanon, are you?
“No?”
…
“Nooooooo.”
Goddammit, Meyers. Don’t you go yak-headed on us.
“I’m not into Qanon.”
Good.
“I’m into Jewanon.”
Less good. What is Jewanon?
“It’s like Qanon, but there are more Jews.”
Are the Jews helpful and compassionate, kind to strangers, and ethical to a fault?
“No, the opposite.”
Ah.
“And they are also werewolfs.”
Sure. Do we need to have the talk about “embarrassing the Grateful Dead” again?
“Billy also believes in Jewanon.”
CELL PHONE NOISE
“You just don’t wanna hear the truth.”
Pick up the phone before I turn your head inside out.
“Can you do that?”
FORMER TEEN HEARTTHROB’S HEAD TURNING INSIDE-OUT NOISE
…
FORMER TEEN HEARTTHROB’S HEAD RETURNING TO NORMAL NOISE
“I did not enjoy that.”
No, I wouldn’t imagine anyone would.
CELL PHONE NOISE
Pick up the phone.
“Asshole.”
…
“You’re on with John”
“Zebba-YAAAAeeeh.”
“Pardon?”
“Huckonamooooostragoostra!”
“Mr. Brown?”
“Lumpy eggs!”
“Are you okay?”
“Zebba zebba. MAMA’S GONNNNNNNNA WORK IT OUT. Zebba.”
“Can I maybe get you a cup of coffee? Some water?
“Lumpy eggs!”
“Uh, okay. I could rustle up some eggs.”
“Hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.”
…
“Hoo.”
“I’ll see about those eggs.”
“Zebba.”
Wow. Thank you. I needed that.