The 2020 Democratic National Convention: Best And Worst

BEST: Former President Barack Obama giving the Democratic base the red meat it had been craving from him since the day he was supplanted by Trump. His impassioned and inspiring words gave all who heard them the impetus to vote this November like they’d never voted before.
WORST: The possum attack halfway though President Obama’s speech was unfortunate. Both possums and former Presidents contain more blood than you’d imagine. Poor optics for the Dems.

BEST: The inclusion of Republican voices indicated the Democrats were now the party of the Big Tent, signalling to moderates and centrists that a Biden Administration would be one that strives to reach across the aisle and compromise.
WORST: Colin Powell’s weird rant about “re-invading Iraq.” Is that even possible? I guess we’ll find out.

BEST: The delightful and joyous celebration of America in all her regional glory that was the Roll Call. Each state appeared in its own video, highlighting their idiosyncrasies and playful goofiness, tho weighed down by the burden of history. Sure, we’re Americans. But the country is the United States.
WORST: The delegate from Idaho shouldn’t have taken his balls out. I know he was trying to make a point about potatoes, but I disagree with his storytelling choices. His balls were really hairy, too, and potatoes shouldn’t be hairy at all, so it was a just a total fiasco.

BEST: Bill Clinton, for a small segment of Gen-Xer’s who, despite all evidence, still feel an affection towards the man they know as Bubba, who played saxophone on a chitty-chat show one time.
WORST: Bill Clinton, for everyone else.

BEST: Joe Biden’s personal stories of loss, faith, and struggle resonate with hard-working, red-blooded Americans.
WORST: Holy shit, Joe Biden’s life is depressing. The guy’s cursed or something.

BEST: Rating are up 40% from 2016!
WORST: That was a lie. The ratings are terrible because no one wants to watch iPhone videos of non-performers giving speeches to their backyards. The balloons were the point. We mock the balloons, but the National Conventions were–and had been for 50 years–teevee shows with a specific and well-evolved quality of production. The show had expectations to meet: the shots of dancing uggos in the audience, the pontificating nonces in the press booth, the quadrennial speech that train-wrecked, and–of course–the balloon drop. Ten-thousand red, white, and blue balloons floating down onto a packed crowd is fine teevee. John Kerry sitting alone in his kitchen is less entertaining. No one wants to watch this shit.

BEST: The Castro Brothers’ interpretive dance about the history of the labor movement. Those two move as one.
WORST: In what is known in the show business industry as a “hot mic incident,” Minnesota Senator Amy Klobuchar was recorded choking to death, and then gutting, a staffer. That’s just bad message discipline, and it’s the sort of thing that your opponent uses in ads. You don’t go handing your enemy swords.

BEST: Hillary Clinton laying out with lawyerly precision the danger that would arise in allowing Donald Trump a second term.
WORST: She told us how dangerous it would be to let him have a first term four years ago and nobody fucking listened, and we’ve only gotten dumber as a society since then, so hope is fool’s gold at this point. Bolt a tent to the top of your SUV and head for the Low Desert.

BETS: Gimme Fosdick’s Folly in the 3rd, My Portly Bunny in the 5th, and Valentine on the morning line.
WURST: No one crams meat into meat casings like the Germans, no one.

BTS: America doesn’t even make its own Boy Bands anymore. We gotta import ’em from Korea. That’s a sign of an empire in decline right there.
WORKS: Look upon them, you meat casing, and despair.

Yo.

Yuh-huh?

Maybe it’s time to call it a night.

For good?

No, we’re not there yet, champ. I meant hitting the hay.

Yes, please, want some.

Okay.