6/1 – Locusts.

6/2 – Cops start busting into your house, jamming Crazy Straws up your ass, and Stevie Nicksing pepper spray into your bottom.

6/3 – President Trump discovers a Green Lantern ring.

6/4 – Hey, who the fuck gave the coronavirus a machete?

6/5 – Rivers turn to blood, and not even clean blood: blood with herpes and all other kinds of nasty shit in it.

6/6 – No more marshmallows, ever.

6/7 – Paul Bunyan’s back, real, the size we were all told he was, and a card-carrying Proud Boy.

6/8 – All the corn says Fuck this, uproots itself, and flees to Canada.

6/9 – All the State Fairs become sentient and start battle-royaling.

6/3 – President Trump finally figures out how to work the Green Lantern ring and resets reality a week; White House issues statement declaring “He meant to do that.”

6/4 – Jesus, now the ronus has a scythe. That’s a bit on the nose.