The Daily Recounting, 11/29/18 (Now In Family-Friendly FAQ Form!)

What…what happened?

Today?

Yeah. I’m, like, dazed.

It was a biggie. Lot to process. Sudden-forward-motion kind of day.

What’s up with Michael Cohen?

He’s having the lousiest year. When he reaches in his Christmas stocking, there’s gonna be nothing but sad dicks. They’ll writhe in his hand, morosely.

He’s Jewish.

Christmas stocking, Hanukkah pantyhose: whatever. Mr. Cohen has pleadededed guilty to lying to Congress. This is the second charge in four months that he’s copped to, so you can’t even imagine how much stress he’s holding in his shoulders right now.

Lying to Congress?

Yes. In his defense, no one told him that was against the law.

Wasn’t he sworn in?

Sure.

Soooo…he was told lying was against the law.

Technically, the oath only makes you affirm the positive action without clearly delineating the consequences of the negative. And, you know, he went to Cooley Law School. Michael Cohen is terrible at this “law” thing. He was good at filing nuisance suits, and chiseling contractors, and threatening reporters. He was an excellent bagman. Played third base for the Trump Organization softball team. But not great at the actual law part of being a lawyer.

And he lied to Congress.

He did. Right to Congress’ face.

Was it a white lie? Did Congress ask Michael Cohen if Congress looked fat in this dress?

…

Just admit that you’re a goddamned alien.

I AM NOT AN ALIEN.

You know what Congress is, right?

Yes!

What.

A possible receptacle for falsehoods. For starters.

You have no idea what Congress is. You’re an alien from Glib Glob 7, damn you!

Hey! Knock it off! This is about the politics, not the crazy. Don’t be crazy. You, just answer the questions. Alien, just ask the questions.

Not an alien.

Continue, assholes.

Lying to Congress sounds like a “Don’t.”

You have to be elected to lie in the Capitol Building. Everyone else gets fucked dry for it. Tremendously short-sighted idea. Not recommended for any individual without a fake identity, hidden monies, and an interest in travel.

About what topic did Michael Cohen lie to Congress?

I will grant you the traditional three guesses.

The role of the plague in shifting Europe from feudalism to proto-capitalism?

No.

A critical reexamination of Porky’s, with special attention paid to the characters of Ms. Balbricker and Meat?

Also, no. Also: do not critically reexamine Porky’s. Leave that shit in the past where it belongs.

Was it Russia?

Winner winner, vodka dinner. It was Russia. Specifically, a deal to build a 100-story tower filled with luxury condos in the heart of Moscow called the Trump Babushka.

That was not the name.

It was gonna be Trump Tower Moscow or some shit. That’s not the point. What is the point is that Trump has been trying to break into the Russian market for decades. He’s been going over there since the 80’s, and the Russians can be wonderful hosts when they choose to be. Most of the time, they throw hard cheeses at you and chop off your feet, but they can put out a spread if there’s something in it for them. It is generally at this junction in the Trump/Russia story that its tellers begin to become unhitched.

What?

Trump’s semi-regular trips to Moscow are the starting gun of a long and winding tweetstorm that infuckingvariably involve the word kompromat over and over, and there are Russian pop stars and billionaires involves, and then you get to the Mayflower Hotel and there’s all sorts of shenanigans going on at that joint. The CIA, MI6, and the remnants of the KGB all make appearances. Melania may or may not be deep undercover. And, obviously, Eric is a bunch of iguanas glued together.

Oh, no. Down that way lies madness.

Eh. The Russians do be like that.

True. But let’s just return to the evidence and legal filings and stuff that can be printed in the Times.

I have many problems with that publication.

The New York Times has been hated and mocked by its readership for each of its 167 years. Just continue.

Michael Cohen had stated to Congress that all work on the Trumpitage ceased by January of 2016; it had not. Communication between Cohen and Russia–at one point, he was straight-up talking to government officials–went on until June. Cohen also stated that he had not discussed the Russia dealings with Trump. This, too, was slightly other than correct.

Why did he tell these lies?

Because Basketball Head had told those lies. It was a bad look to be colluding with Russia when people were accusing you of colluding with Russia.

True. Now, why did this happen?

Why did Cohen plead guilty today? See, he was dragged into court this morning real sneaky-like. Wasn’t on the docket, but when Robert Mueller asks for five minutes to try out some new material, you give him the microphone. Why the rush? Why not just schedule a hearing?

No idea.

I’m gonna say something and I don’t want you to shoot it down out-of-hand.

Are you about to bring the Illuminati into it?

I don’t to bring them in; they’ve been here forever.

Stop it. Explain the meaning of the event.

Mueller’s sending a signal. I just can’t quite put my finger on what message the signal contains. Or know to whom it is intended. But it’s definitely deep, brother.

Again: stop it.

There are numerous possibilities. Mueller might be daring Turnip to pardon Manafort or Cohen, which would strip their Fifth Amendment protections, and also make Jeff Flake downright perturbed. It may be a warning to other subjects of the investigation that he knows they’ve lied to him. It’s definitely notice that Mueller has every scrap of evidence this bumblers left.

Such as?

Notable in the court filings was the fact that Cohen had discussed the Russia deal with Trump three times between January and April. Not “there were several phone calls” or “more than one, but fewer than six,” but “three.” Lawyers like the ones in the special counsel’s office don’t use numbers willy-nilly. How did they know there were three? Sad Clownberg most likely confessed immediately–I can’t see that schmuck standing up to much interrogation–but Mueller’s not taking his word for it. This man is a lying man. Gotta be evidence if we’re gonna go see the judge. Good thing Mikey taped all his calls with Mr. Trump. That’s some high-grade evidence right there, that’s one-toke shit.

Primo.

Although, this could be a shot across Junior’s bow. Cohen says he discussed the Russia deal with several family members, and there’s no way Ivanka ever got within twenty feet of that sweaty pimpledick, so it must have been Junior. Who–and you’ll find this amusing–denied knowing anything about it when he testified in front of–and this is the part where the amusement kicks in–Congress.

I thought we decided that was a poor decision.

We did, but this is Junior and he gets hard for bad decisions. In fact, it’s the only thing that arouses him any more. Besides shooting animals in the face.

He loves doing that.

HOWEVER, the charges and their jump-scare timing might be aimed directly at King Stumpybrains. He just returned to Mueller’s office his written answers to around 50 questions; this was the negotiated compromise in lieu of a direct deposition, which Trump’s lawyers would under no circumstance allow him to sit for, mostly because no matter what you ask him, he screams stupid lies.

He loves doing that.

Pretty much his defining characteristic. Anyhoo, the special counsel sent over some questions and Trump sent back answers. (You may make your own “crayon” joke, if you wish.) His written responses count as official statements, same as testifying in court, and so deviation from the truth is inadvisable.

Trump is inadvisable. You literally cannot advise him.

True. So Cohen’s sudden plea could be a horse in Donny’s bed. There’s a point behind it, that’s for sure.

How do you know?

Because Robert Mueller did it.

He’s dreamy. Any cherries to throw on top of this shit sundae?

The top three floors of the Trump Tower Moscow were to be made into a penthouse and given as a gift to Putin.

There it is.