The Dos And Don’ts Of Social Distancing

DO Stay at home.
DON’T Stay at someone else’s home. Defeats the whole purpose, and might be a crime.

DO Visit the doctor and shop for necessities.
DON’T Go down to your local sex club for weirdos and start tugging off strangers.

DO  Maintain a Personal Health Radius of 6 feet (1.82 meters) at all times.
DON’T Defend your PHR with a halberd.

DO Try your hardest not to murder your children.
DON’T Murder your children.

DO Check on elderly relatives and neighbors to see if they need any supplies.
DON’T Steal their pills and have yourself an ooey-gooey party once you get home.

DO Harbor resentments.
DON’T Wait, no. You shouldn’t harbor resentments. It’s poison to the soul.

DO Let slip the dogs of war.
DON’T No! We’ve been expressly warned not to!

DO Hang out somewhere that’s still open like Target or the supermarket, and hock loogies all over, and stick your fingers in people’s mouths, and lick their nostrils.
DON’T PLEASE DON’T DO THAT. Ladies and gentlemen, I have to inform you that DO has somehow become corrupted, and turned evil. Do not take DO‘s advice.

DO Murder DON’T.
DON’T Stop it! You’ve lost your mind, DO! My God! Where did you get that knife from?

DO It didn’t have to be this way. I used to love you.
DON’T I still love you! Don’t, Do, don’t!

Hey. I’m just gonna pop my head into your office and have a quick chit-chat.

I’m in the middle of something.

That was what I wanted to discuss. Whatever it is you’re doing here…it’s too stupid to continue. I will not allow it. 

I was playing with form.

You were playing with yourself. I’m begging you: less stupid. Make the whole site less stupid. That’s my only note; I cannot be any more specific than that. Because it’s just so fucking stupid.

I thought it was funny.

That’s because you’re stupid, stupid. Shape up.