Thoughts In Real Time On Goat’s Head Soup

I have never listened to Goat’s Head Soup, the 1973 album from the Rolling Stones that the Important Rock Critic community has deemed the beginning of the end for the band. This does not cause me shame, and yet I will rectify this hole in my education. For, like Faust himself, I must possess all man’s knowledges. And one of those knowledges, apprently, is the Stones’ shittiest record.

Here we go.

Dancing With Mr. D

• I’ve heard this song before; it’s on the live release from Brussels ’73.
• Couldn’t hum a bar of it.
• Now that I’m listening to it, I understand why.
• This is an exceedingly generic Stones song.
• Is there a Rollingstonifier on the latest version of ProTools?
• Holy shit, why open the record with this mid-tempo’ed non-riff-adorned miasma?
• This song is miasma: it is a fart.
• Not even a shit.
• This song isn’t bad enough to be shit; its feculence is atmospheric and ephemeral.
• I’ve already forgotten it.

100 Years Ago

• Oh, no, Mick’s doing his Southern  blaccent again.
• And Billy fucking Preston.
• Billy was also speaking in a Southern blaccent, but for more understandable reasons.
• The Stones started their own record company in 72 or 72, around there, and Billy Preston was gonna be their big star, so he got to be on a couple Stones records and tours.
• I guess they’re doing a Bitch-type ravey heavy thing here?
• Not for me.
• Maybe for you.
• Not for me.

Coming Down Again

• Ooh, pretty.
• Oh, wait.
• This isn’t the Keith song already, is it?
• The Keith song goes on Side Two.
• Oh, thank God, it’s Mick.
• You can’t be putting the Keith song on the first side of the album.
• WAIT!
• IT IS THE FUCKING KEITH SONG!
• MICK JAGGER TRICKED ME!
• Goddamned Rolling Stones and their deceitful ways.
• What the fuck, Stones?
• Side One Keith Song?
• You know what this is like?
• Remember when you were a kid and there would be some irregular happenstance that would force you to sit up front and your mom in the back?
• And it felt sinful and wrong?
• This is like that.
• The world has a natural order.
• This song is the terrible version of Shine A Light.
• Stop.
• Just stop it.
• Fade this abortion out.
• No more.
• Thank you.

Doo Doo Doo Doo (Heartbreaker)

• I’ve always hated this number.
• They literally named it “doo doo.”
• And let Billy Preston rub his giant wigs all over it.
• Take your clavinet and go home, Billy Preston.
• Piano.
• The Rolling Stones have a guy that plays piano.
• Just piano.
• No more wikka-wakka noises out of you.
• And it’s Mick doing social commentary.
• Which is worse than when Elvis did his tunes about society’s ills, because Elvis wasn’t being cynical.
• The King cares about that poor little baby child who had the misfortune to be born in the ghetto.
• In the ghettoooooooo.
• Mick didn’t give a shit.
• Still doesn’t.

Angie

• Angie was a #1 hit–the record was, too, don’t forget–and written about either David Bowie’s wife or David Bowie; it’s supposed to be the next version of Wild Horses.
• Jesus, he just started whispering ANGIE into my ear and I lost my train of thought.
• Ah.
• It is not Wild Horses.
• The Stones reiterated songs just like any band: Salt of the Earth was the proto-Can’t Always Get What You Want, etc.
• You couldn’t think of another example, could you?
• SHUT UP.
• But, yeah, Mick tried to write Wild Horses again and got Angie.
• Which made him a gob of cash, and that’s what he was trying to do in the first place.
• And that makes me the asshole, I suppose.

Silver Train

• This is pleasant.
• It is a boogie.
• About a train.
• Silver one, one would imagine.
• Mick Taylor on the slippity-slide guitar.
• Hey, 1973 Mick Taylor.
• Things are not going to go well for you in your near future.
• You should stay in the band.
• Dude.
• Stay.
• In.
• The.
• Band.
• Do not leave the Rolling Stones, 1973 Mick Taylor.
• Go to therapy, go to rehab, adjust your attitude: whatever it takes, dude.
• Stay in the band.
• I’m a fan of this track.
• It’s jaunty and has a kick to it.
• You could drink a shandy to this.
• Real party-starter.
• Woo.
• Good job, Silver Train.

Hide Your Love

• Fun fact: Mick on piano.
• NOT FUCKING CLAVINET, BILLY PRESTON.
• What is it about this album?
• An interiority is missing.
• Or maybe they just chose the wrong chords.
• This track sounds like the middle part of Exile, but worse.
• That swampy groove the Stones do.
• I’m comparing this record to ones I’ve heard hundreds if not thousands of times.
• That’s not fair to Goat’s Head Soup.
• On the other hand, if they didn’t want people to be mean, then they wouldn’t have named the album Goat’s Head Soup.
• From Exile on Main Street to Goat’s fucking Head Soup.
• LET IT FUCKING BLEED!
• One of the greatest titles of all time!
• The Beatles were all Let It Be, and the Stones were like, nuh-uh.
• We’re eeeeeeeeevil.
• And now this.
• Goat’s Head Soup.

Winter

• Ah, fuck, it’s the Listless Side Two Semi-Ballad.
• All the 70’s Stones albums had one.
• Fool To Cry was the perfection of the genre, if only for Mick’s falsetto.
• Always a lot of fun when Mick’s falsetto shows up.
• It’s so insincere.
• This is the string arrangement from Moonlight Mile.
• Wait, this whole song is just Moonlight Mile.
• You can’t fool your ol’ pal TotD.
• I know a Moonlight Mile when I see one.
• So, it’s cold.
• In the song.
• And Mick wants to keep the lady he’s with warm.
• Via jacketry or other means.
• There is no metaphor one can detect.

Can You Hear The Music?

• Of course, I can.
• What an absurd question, Rolling Stones.
• Oh, these backup vocals are not working for me at all.
• They are unpleasant and intrusive.
• I won’t put up it with it, Rolling Stones.
• Beggar’s Banquet, Let it Bleed, Sticky Fingers, and Exile.
• Those were the four albums that preceded this one.
• What’s the worst song from any of those records?
• I’ve always thought Love In Vain dragged, but you must have your own opinion.
• Whatever song you’re thinking of is better than the best song on Goat’s Head Soup.
• I feel like I’m punishing myself for no reward, I can’t understand why.
• Other than the self-loathing.

Star Star

• Oh, yeah, this one.
• The Chuck Berry tune.
• There was always a Chuck Berry tune on Stones records.
• Sometimes Chuck wrote them, and sometimes the Stones did.
• The chorus is less than imaginative.
• “I bet you keep your pussy clean?”
• Why would that be a lyric, Mick?
• That’s not a keeper.
• And: why are you making fun of the women who want to have sex with you?
• They want to fuck you.
• Why does that make them assholes?
• You should be nice to them.
• You know what would make them happy?
• Have sex with them.
• Jesus Christ, Exile to this in one year.
• Always remember, Enthusiasts: the next booking at Winterland after The Last Waltz–the very next night–was Ted Nugent.
• And the cover is nasty.