• Michael Douglas runs like an old fucking man.
  • They hide how old that motherfucker is for one hour and 59 minutes of the movie, but at one point Michael Douglas has to chug up a ramp or something, and it’s geezer city, man.
  • They do the de-aging thing, too, and Marvel needs to stop that shit because the technology is getting too seamless.
  • Douglas, Michelle Pfeiffer, and Lawrence Fishbourne all get digitally youthified and it is creepy as hell.
  • Fishbourne, especially.
  • Remember Boyz in the Hood?
  • That’s what he looked like: Furious Styles.
  • I thought he was about to tell Paul Rudd that there’s no place for a black man in the army.
  • The rest of the movie was fine.
  • Oh, wait, I guess Michelle Pfeiffer coming back was a spoiler.
  • SPOILERS.
  • Listen, it’s fucking Ant-Man & the Wasp: it literally cannot be spoiled.
  • For example, Walton Goggins is in it.
  • Knowing only that piece of information, you now know precisely who his character is, right?
  • He’s the comedic bad guy.
  • And he’ll end up hoisted on his petard in a comedic way.
  • As always, Judy Greer gets to play the ex-wife or the step-mom or the best friend or whatever.
  • Evangeline Lilly was decent, but I would have preferred Judy Greer as the Wasp.
  • About halfway through the movie, I realized that none of the Marvel heroes actually have personalities.
  • Of their own, I mean.
  • Ant-Man, for example, has Paul Rudd’s personality.
  • Iron Man, on the other hand, greatly resembles Robert Downey, Jr., in every way.
  • Anyway, Paul Rudd Paul Rudds.
  • Paul Rudd Paul Rudds as hard as he can for two hours, occasionally becoming bigger or smaller, while the rest of the cast techobabbles.
  • “What about the quantum vectors!?”
  • “I’ve calibrated those! Check the relays on the quantum tunneler!”
  • And then Paul Rudd cracks wise.
  • Shit like that, constantly.
  • Ant-Man & the Wasp misuse the word “quantum” more than Deepak Chopra does.
  • But they have to, as absolutely none of the superpowers work if you think about them for more than an instant.
  • Hulk makes sense.
  • He’s just big and strong.
  • Thor makes sense.
  • He’s a literal god.
  • But growing and shrinking and what keeps its mass and what doesn’t?
  • You need some professional-grade handwavium for that nonsense.
  • And give Peyton Reed (the director) and his crew credit: they have–like alchemy–found the purest of handwavium, and it is this:
  • Cast charming people and keep the film moving forward at all costs.
  • That’s why people hated The Last Jedi.
  • The movie slowed down and gave you time to think about how fucking stupid it was.
  • I assure you that Ant-Man & the Wasp is every bit as dimwitted as TLJ, but it did not strand two characters in Space Atlantic City for 45 minutes in the middle of the picture and therefore is better.
  • TO THE PROBLEM ATTIC WITH YOU: Why were the special effects for AM&TW better than they were for Black Panther?
  • I am calling you out, Marvel.
  • TO THE PROBLEM ATTIC WITH YOU, PART THE SECOND: the Hyundai Veloster is not a fucking sports car, Marvel.
  • Consumers enjoy their funky styling and lean handling, but they’re not actually fast.
  • I know that your contract with Acura is now up, so everyone onscreen–including FBI agents, for some reason–has to drive a Hyundai, but don’t treat me like an asshole, Marvel.
  • Okay, if you’re not going to see it and want to know what the all-important end-credit scene is, I’ll tell you.
  • SPOILING BELOW
  • Serious.
  • …
  • …
  • …
  • Honest to gosh, gonna spoil it.
  • …
  • …
  • …
  • All right, you asked for it.
  • Fisting.
  • It’s like a fist-off.
  • Paul Rudd shrinks his hand and inserts it into Evangeline Lilly, and then regains resize; when he does, she orgasms and vomits simultaneously.
  • And you think, “Well, that’s over.”
  • It is not.
  • Michael Douglas and Michelle Pfeiffer do mutu-fisting.
  • It takes a while to get into the right position, but when they do: fireworks, baby.
  • Then there’s a close-up of Evangeline Lilly’s face.
  • She smiles.
  • Cut to Paul Rudd.
  • He smiles back.
  • Camera tracks down EL’s arm only to find her fist is buried deep within Lawrence Fishbourne.
  • He smiles.
  • And they fist again.
  • Like they did last summer.
  • Yes, they fist again.
  • Fisting time is here.
  • Excelsior, True Believers!