Thoughts On Super Bowl LIV

• If you wanna get the taste of “Oh, is there a football game?” out of your mouth, then try this: 4/21/78 from the Rupp Arena in Lexington, KY.
• It’s a lot like Super Bowl LIV, if you think about it.
• Sloppy as hell and played in front of a quarter-full room.
• BUT Tom Brady did not receive any accolades, and so therefore the ’78 is better.
• PLUS every time you listen to 4/21/78, you’re giving esteemed archivist David Lemieuxlinrouge the finger just a little bit because he is insistent on releasing every show around 4/21, but not the actual 4/21, and I don’t wanna seem paranoid or anything, but I think he’s doing it on purpose to fuck with me because he knows how much I love the 4/21.
• This passive-aggression will not stand.
• I’m gonna sneak onto that little forest island DL lives on and dangle an avocado outside his window, and when he bites it I’m gonna yoink him into my boat and take a selfie with him and then maybe eat him.
• See how he likes it.
• I’m a Pisces, baby; I’m allowed to do shit like that.

Weren’t you gonna talk about the game?

• GODDAMMIT, YOU STAY OUT MY BULLET POINTS!

Stay on target, you bag of skin and complaints.

• Fine: Game sucked.
• But–and I was reminded of this many times during the 60-minute contest which lasted four hours–the NFL did end racism this year.
• See:
• 
• That’ll do it, I suppose.
• Although the lack of punctuation muddles the message slightly.
• Is it a command?
• “END RACISM!”
• Is it a cry of despair?
• “And in the end…racism.”
• Maybe they’re saying that Tight Ends are allowed to be racist.
• (That might be it, actually. Until relatively recently, Tight End was a historically white position. QB, TE, and Center. The Offensive Line was always pretty pale, but Centers were downright alabaster.)
• Difficult to overstate how B-List the Show Biz portion of the broadcast was: It was like Match Game ’82 out there.
• I kept expecting Richard Dawson to show up and half-ass it.
• Sure, he died years ago but so did The Weeknd’s career.
• That guy’s like the opposite of a cult leader.
• I would not follow him anywhere.
• And apparently the rest of the music industry shared my opinion: NO guest stars?
• Shit, even Alicia Keys and John Legend said no, and they’ll show up to anything.
• And then Bruce Springsteen, who is a cowboy despite being from Asbury Park, told me to go to Kansas so I can worship Jesus and find common ground with Nazis and Capitol-Stormers.
• Now, I consider myself a fairly Centrist kind of dude.
• A pragmatist.
• Gonna be honest with you: I could make a deal with Mitt Romney.
• Mostly because Mitt Romney doesn’t believe in Jewish Space Lasers, and that school shootings are hoaxes (possibly staged by Jews).
• But here’s the important question:
• 
• Who let Andy Reid out in public like this?
• From all accounts, the man is beloved by his team.
• No one pulled him aside and said, “Coach, you look like a dying stork, but fatter.”
• Plus–as the game was way more lopsided than the score would attest to–we were swindled out of everyone’s favorite running gag: Andy Reid Becomes Confused By The Game Clock.
• Man’s been a coach for nine decades now.
• Cannot figure out how Time Outs work, and I LOVE HIM FOR IT.
• I think he tried to call two TO’s at once a couple of seasons ago, and the refs didn’t even throw a flag.
• They were just like, “Yup, that’s our Andy.”
• H.E.R. was great.
• I’m gonna check her (H.E.R.) out.
• But her performance of America The Beautiful did beg the question: Do other countries require TWO songs about how great they are?
• Because after America The Beautiful, we had to sit through two semi-entities melismating through the Star-Spangled Banner.
• ATB should be the National Anthem, anyway: it’s easier to sing, it’s shorter, and it’s not about blowing shit up; the song’s about how awesome our mountains are.
• The worst outcome, of course, is that now Tom Brady can no longer be dismissed in any way as a “system QB.”
• He’s got seven rings and that’s the end of the argument, but he’s a humorless son-kisser,
• Sure, Michael Jordan was (and is, and will continue to be) a dick, but his dickishness is to such a ludicrous degree that it’s fascinating and entertaining and–as demonstrated by The Last Dance–highly memeable.
• Not Brady.
• He’s got dead eyes, like a doll’s eyes.
• Gronk’s still all right.
• And that’ll be it for me as far as football goes ’til next Super Bowl, because remember: With what we now know about the effects of the game on the players, watching the NFL is like watching vintage gay porn.
• You know what the men on the screen are going to die of.
• God bless America, y’all!