- No one asked for this.
- Literally no one.
- I put it out there, and no one bit.
- Nor did anyone warn me away from the decision.
- There was an unspoken communal decision to ignore my idea, and pretend that it hadn’t been brought up at all.
- But here we are.
- FUN FACT: Most films set up their premise through action, or dialogue, or a combination of the two; Police Academy just flashes some text at the beginning of the movie.
- Kinda like Star Wars.
- The standards for joining the police force have been eliminated, and so now literally anyone can sign up.
- Got it?
- They’ll even take Mahoney!
- Who is a ne’er-do-well if I’ve ever seen one.
- Or a fat guy!
- Or someone who makes noises!
- Of course, Mahoney does not want to be a cop.
- He is forced to join up by an angry black police captain.
- Even comedies in the 80’s had an angry black police captain.
- I once watched a documentary from 1986 about giraffes that had an angry black police captain.
- “OFFICER SPLOTCHY! YOU’RE OFF THE CASE! NOW TURN OVER YOUR BADGE, YOUR GUN, AND YOUR LITTLE NUBBIN HORNS!”
- John Mayer thinks he knows how to drip.
- Meyers doesn’t have the balls.
- He thought that Madonna tee-shirt shit was cute, but we all know that it was pussy bullshit.
- If he were a real man, then Josh would wear that for Summer Tour.
- Every show.
- And he’d also bang Kim Catrall.
- Takes a real man to satisfy a Catrall.
- The whole family is renowned for the effort it takes to get ’em off.
- Gotta warm ’em up first.
- Sweet-talking, flowers, that sort of thing.
- Can’t just go charging at a Catrall’s genitals like you were the Light Brigade.
- Did it end well for the Light Brigade?
- Not according to the Iron Maiden song about the event.
- And here is where we come to the most tedious portion of the evening: evaluating a three-decade-old piece of schlock on its relative wokeness.
- Police Academy doesn’t do too badly, to be honest.
- The good guys are a diverse crew of multiple races, genders, (implied) sexualities, and body types.
- And the bad guys are all Trumpers.
- Now, sure, this was 1984 and there were no Trumpers, but trust me on this one.
- Of course–sticking to the modern discourse of wokeitude–it must be mentioned that all cops are bastards.
- No one’s rooting for anyone to be a cop, at least not in a comedy, in 2020.
- But again: this was 1984.
- Were cops bastards?
- Oh, yeah.
- But they looked like this:
- Whereas now cops look like this:
- Which is less humorous.
- (Don’t get me wrong: that guy in the shirt-sleeves would absolutely drop a bomb on your house. Don’t tell me you’ve never heard of the MOVE bombing.)
- Police Academy does also bring up the immortal comedy question: Are gay panic jokes ever funny?
- I say that they can be, but only if they’ve got a musical cue as perfect as this one:
- And, it should be noted, the two seemed to enjoy their experience.
- Maybe Police Academy is about acceptance.
- Maybe the reboot could feature the Lone Ranger shoving a peach up Timothee Chalomet’s asshole.
- Maybe maybe maybe.
- Saddest word in the English language, according to some.
- Others think the saddest word is penicillin.
- Mostly people who allergic to penicillin.
- Contrary to popular opinion, Elton John did not think that “sorry” was the saddest word.
- He said it seemed to be the saddest word.
- Elton was making a comment on the chasm between appearance and content.
- The first one was a hit, making $150 million worldwide off a $4.5 million budget, so they made one a year for the next five years.
- ONE-POINT-TWO BILLION FUCKING DOLLARS.
- Adjusted (very roughly) for inflation, the Police Academy series made $1.2 billion dollars.
- Imagine having that much money.
- Jeff Bezos would laugh at you, and have his goons give you a wedgie, and you’d deserve it for being poor.
- Oh, is it the third act already?
- The City (never named in the series) has broken out into a riot.
- Not an actual riot.
- A fun, multi-cultural riot that kicks off due to a misunderstanding.
- Gosh, I hope our trainees can settle this rabble down.
- They are roused, this rabble.
- Although, rabble is rarely calm, cool, and collected.
- That’s just a peaceful gathering.
- Gotta be some agitating for the “rabble” label to be applied.
- Luckily, the mob is doing very little property damage.
- Just running down the street with sticks.
- Almost like the production couldn’t afford to break any windows.
- No.
- Wait.
- We have looting.
- Aaaaaand the climax of every Police Academy film, wherein all the characters do their thing.
- Gun nut Tackleberry shoots his guns,
- Whisper-voiced Hooks yells real loud.
- Bubba Smith punches through a wall or some bullshit.
- Enthusiasts, I am gonna come clean with you: there is not enough material in these movies to continue this bit.
- I suppose that I could go tangential, and use the Police Academy series as a jumping-off point to discuss Gramsci.
- But no one would enjoy that.
- I’ve let everyone down here.
- I can’t apologize enough.
- Perhaps it’s time for an organizational reshuffle.
- New blood in the C-suite.
- Oh, good, Mahoney got to bang Kim Catrall.
- That’s how you knew a movie was over in the 80’s: the lead actor banged Kim Catrall.
- It was a simpler time.
I would read the Gramsci bit. Totally.
Just saying.