It’s upon us again, Enthusiasts. Influenza gonna getcha, gonna run up your nose and set your eyeballs alight and make your asshole do the hoochy-koo. The flu is on the march and, just like those migrant caravans, is most likely infested with terrorism. That’s right, folks: Saudi Arabia is sponsoring the flu this year.
2018, right?
Anyway, here’s some helpful, and healthful, hints:
AVOID PEOPLE They’re filthy. Studies show that human beings are just walking toilets, and not even fancy toilets. Portable ones. If you have to be in the same area as other people, wear a surgical mask like the Japanese do. If you have to be in the same area as Japanese people, don’t bring up Hiroshima. They’re still sore.
STARVE IT Or feed it. One or the other. And really do it, too. Starve yourself to death or eat so much your stomach ruptures. Basically: if you get the flu, kill yourself.
LISTEN TO YOUR HEART Only love’s innocent cry can lead you to the forest of childhood’s delights.
POP FIVE OR SIX VICODIN Will do nothing for the underlying illness, but being sick won’t bother you quite as much. (WARNING: Do not pop five or six vicodin. The acetaminophen will fuck your liver up. Cold-water-extract the hydrocodone, yo.)
BLAME THE JEWS Much like the vicodin, blaming Jews will not ameliorate any physical symptoms, but will make you feel better. Blaming Jews: The Easy Answer For 5,000 Years!™
VICKS VAPORUB Slather it all over your nude body and then run through the mall. This is my grandmother’s remedy for the flu. Granny was a drinker.
Did you have a premise here, champ?
Not especially.
Just started typing again, huh?
Little bit.
Wastoid.
The Stones really dropped the proverbial ball when they went with Silver Train instead of Granny Was a Drinker to open side 2 of Goats Head Soup.