Enthusiasts, I have been challenged. Gauntlets and whatnot! In a previous post, I dashed off a caption under a video; I so often do. Sometimes, I just wanna share a neat-o bit of teevee with you, but the post would look weird with no words: I needed to write something. In this case, the video was another example of my fatal weakness for BBC shows about the history of England presented by British comedic actors. If one of the Young Ones had bicycled around Northern Ireland for eight episodes in 2008, then I would watch that, too.
Or a documentary about the Royal Family. Oh, Jiminee horsefucking Christ, have I watched documentaries about the Royal Family. I like the ones that go into the kitchens during a state dinner, or with the troops into their barracks between shifts standing there in famous hats, but I also like the ones that are just about being fancy. English people walk up to the Royals and say, “Helloooooo,’ and the Royals say “Helloooooo,” and everything’s lovely.
This soothes my soul, as I am a loathsome beast: an Anglophile. HOWEVER, I asserted, there were worse nations to obsess over. Everyone (and, of course, I’m only talking about Americans when I say “everyone”) has a favorite country, and though England is indeed a shameful one to invest a fascination, it’s nowhere near the worst one. A valued commentator named cekman76 calls me out and demands I name these countries; I shrink not in the face of challenge.
(Again: I do not claim that it is not highly embarrassing to have England as one’s favorite nation. First of all, it’s just such a cliché. The second reason would be England’s behavior since the very instance of its inception. I speak of the worldwide dickery. For most of the previous millennium, England spent its time doing two things: discovering how far they could go; then, fucking with the natives once they got there. England also fucked with the natives closer to themselves. Ireland is right next door, and holy shit did England fuck with the natives in Ireland. Just historically a monstrosity of a society, but their novels and record albums and situation comedies are top-notch.)
Here we go. More Embarrassing Favorite Countries:
JAPAN All that manga shit is creepy. I tried to think of a way to say it all pretty and writerly, but I failed: all that manga shit is creepy. All of it–the anime and the hentai and the whatnotasaki–straight-up gives me the shkeeves. Everyone who loves Japan too much is orgasmically dysfunctional: either they can’t cum, or they can’t stop cumming, or they can only cum in an elevator that smells like dog food. There’s research about that all over the innertubes, but you can Google it yourself. I won’t do your work for you.
GERMANY I will never stop watching your ass, Germanophile. You are on my list and I will never stop watching you and all it will take is the tiniest of slips before I transfer you from one list to a different list. Y’know what, Germanophile? I’m just gonna assume. I’m going to a guilty-until-proven-innocent strategy on you.
COSTA RICA Zip-lines are for simpletons.
FRANCE 90% of Francophiles are just wine drunks who speak a second language. The other ten percent are secretly French themselves.
NORWAY If you’re obsessed with Norway, you’re clearly a Black Metal fan, and I do not get you, broham. That music is unpleasant. You should listen to mellower jams, and enough with the fjords.
PORTUGAL Who’s really into Portugal? Honestly, if I met someone and they were like, “I’m really into Portugal,” and I said, “What, the soccer team or something?” and they said, “No, everything. The whole culture. Their artistic sensibilities. Being seaworthy,” and I said, “Are you of Portuguese descent?” and you were like, “I have no connection. None whatsoever. It’s just a primal urge within me,” then I would be impressed with you for being original.
CHAD You’re just trying too hard now. If you’re, say, a white guy from Plattsburgh? Settle down with the Chad-worship.
RUSSIA Duh.
KOREA Dammit, we still make Boy Bands in this country. That’s all domestic production. That’s American jobs, man. How many Joey Fatones will starve to death because the kids were too busy listening to BTS?
PERU You just want to eat guinea pigs, you bastard.
[Insert long explanation about various subgenres of black metal, both Norwegian and non]
[Note that growing up named “Eric” predisposes one toward all things Vikingly, even if one is from a marsh in South Cackalacky, the exact geological opposite of a fjord]
[Pretend that whole Nazi/Quisling thing didn’t happen]
So, uh . . . . .Norway!!!
“I will never stop watching you and all it will take is the tiniest of slips before I transfer you from one list to a different list.”
Remind me again which side of the Germanophile issue you’re on here?
Pretty cleaver turn.
https://www.independent.ie/irish-news/massive-unknown-henge-at-newgrange-discovered-thanks-to-drought-and-drone-37108820.html
Hengy Von Hengensengenson
This is friggin AWESOME!
Plattsburgh is waaayy off.
Since you met my challenge in such grand style, I have to confess: I’m an Anglophile too. The same day I made that snide comment, I watched a whole bunch of That Mitchell & Webb Look. I regularly watch Prime Minister’s Question Time. I died a little inside when I learned recently that Elon Musk loves Douglas Adams.
Since you kicked this off with a video of one of the Pythons, let me reciprocate. Enjoy this video, from last week, of a very cranky John Cleese telling a bemused BBC interviewer why he’s leaving the ruddy country for good.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ULfqhCNHQPA
Peru does have those hats.
Hilder Flamin’ Ogden
Anglophile? you need to cozy up on a Sundee with the Corries, a cuppa, and a Bacon Butty, and Rothman’s Kings Size. Housecoat & curlers highly recommended but optional.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGjSl7nrhwU
Brits are fine as a people and culture. It’s the royal family that can gargle my balls. Never have so many gotten so much and deserved so little