Dear Citizen,

Soon, you will be permitted to leave your Personal Health Cubicle and venture out into the barren, poisoned world that is now reality. Congratulations! We advise you to leave your fear at home and enjoy everything America has to offer, which is much less than it did six months ago. It’s been rough for investors! You may notice some changes have taken place, and they’re nothing to be afraid of. All life is change. For example, your grandpa used to be alive, but then he died of the ronus. Change!

Some tips for our brave new world:

LISTEN TO THE GOVERNOR If there’s one thing elected officials know, it’s epidemiology. Trust your leaders.

UNDER MY UMBRELLA ELLA ELLA An umbrella is an excellent tool in these trying times that are also so uncertain. Opened, it can serve as a marker of your Personal Health Radius. Someone gets too close? Poke ’em in the eye. You could also lean against it rakishly, or jab it into subordinates’ chests if they get mouthy. Shit, you could even trick it out like the Penguin. You can do a lot with an umbrella.

BIG QUESTIONS: ANSWERED Where did Captain Caveman’s rank come from? You’re gonna find out once the curve flattens, I promise.

CHAINS EXCITE ME All businesses smaller than, say, Bonefish Grille no longer exist. Mom-and-pops, indie record stores, vintage places, shitty pizza joints, antique malls that you meant to stop going to because of all the racist shit they sell but kept going to, that ice cream place your parents took you to and you took your kids to, and all the vape shops. They’re all gone now. Hope you took pictures. (WARNING: Any non-Barnes & Noble bookstore that survived the Plague is magickal in nature, and its owner should not be trusted.)

MY OLD KENTUCKY HOME Due to the coronavirus, the NCAA has vacated the University of Kentucky men’s basketball team’s 2002 season. No one knows why, they will not explain themselves, and the decision is binding.

THE IRON MAN IN THE MASK Starting June 1st, the definition of “mask” will expand to cover holding your hand over your mouth. Being careful to breathe through your nose will also do, as will not feeling sick

TESTING We’re not doing that anymore. You like tests? What are you, a teacher’s pet or something? Look at Einstein here, begging for more tests!

CHINA WILL PAY No they won’t, Johnny Earl. Not to you, anyway. You couldn’t find China on a map of China, you dipshitted monkey. And don’t think I don’t know about those plane tickets. The fuck you gonna do in Goungzhou, Johnny Earl? You only booked the flight there cuz it was the cheapest. I know how your diseased little mind works. AND you bought tickets for those goddamned pervert Gobbler Twins? They’re just gonna jerk each other off the entire plane ride, Johnny Earl! I don’t think the Chinese allow that sort of thing! They real family-oriented!

FUN FACT The Gobbler Twins’ first names are Memphis and Fulgang.

Here’s the part where we irredeemably lose the plot.

Was there ever one in the first place?

Touché.

Tushee?