What Fresh Terrors Are Upcoming?

August – Hurricane made out of machetes that’s also been trained in the art of ninjitsu, so it sneaks up on Florida and BAM: machetcane in your living room.

September – Everyone grows four, maybe five, dicks in the middle of their foreheads. You thought Trump was difficult to look at now? Wait ’til he’s got a bunch of cocks bobbling right above his eyebrows.

October – Bono moves into your house, and every time he gets in your way, he says, “I’m not boogin’ ya, am I? I didna mean t’ boog ya.” Which, obviously, gets on your nerves and so you give Bono a piledriver and accidentally kill him. You go to prison and get stabbed almost immediately by the White Power guys, who are huge fans of U2.

November – Turkeys get their revenge, man. What made the turkeys smart? How did they organize? Who gave them chainsaws? No one knows the answer to these questions, and there’s no time to do any research cuz the turkeys are coming for all of us, and turkeys are a lot faster than you would imagine.

Also November – It rains men. Full-grown male humans start plummeting from the clouds at terminal velocity, which is around 120-mph. No one says “Hallelujah.” More like “OHMIGOD, ARE THOSE MEN?” and then nothing because they have been man-rained to death. Can’t even hide inside; the men are plunging straight through roofs. They do kill the turkeys, though.

December – Jewnami. First, the tide goes out. Then, everyone hears a rumbling. It’s a 40-foot tall wall of Jews racing up the beach. The worst part–besides the millions of people killed instantly–is that Nazis will be all, “We told you the Jews were dangerous,” and there’s really no counter-argument.