When A Caller Comes A-Calling

“Howdy, everyone. Welcome to the Radio Randy Show. We’re here on Sirius XM with Grateful Dead guitarist and vocalist Bob Weir.”

“Hiya. I’d, uh, like to say ‘hey’ to everyone out there listening to the Rawdogg Comedy Channel.”

“Actually, we’re on GD Radio, the 24-hour Grateful Dead station.”

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why would that exist, and why would anyone listen to it? I mean, uh, I’m in the Grateful Dead and I couldn’t bear 24 hours straight of it.”

“Your fans are obsessive, Bobby.”

“Lovely folks.”

“What do you like best about Deadheads, Bob?”

“Their money. And the boobies. But, you know, only a certain percentage of ’em got boobies.”

“Sure.”

“The girls.”

“I got that.”

“And, uh, the fat guys. But those aren’t my kind of boobies.”

“Bob, I have a question.”

“35 pounds in the front tires, 38 in the back.”

“The question was not about how much to inflate the tires on a Cadillac SRX.”

“I anticipated, but wrongly.”

“Happens to the best of us. Bob, why did you insist on holding this interview in 1970?”

“I couldn’t find my keys. Usually, I toss ’em on the table next to the door, but this time I’m pretty sure that I left them in 1970.”

“Perfectly understandable. Follow-up question.”

“Shoot.”

“When did the Grateful Dead acquire a time machine?”

“Well, Randy, once you have a time machine, the question ‘When did this happen?’ becomes a lot trickier to answer.”

“Okay.”

“And it’s a Time Sheath. Not a machine.”

“What’s the difference?”

“The flowiness.”

“Bob, let’s take some calls.”

“Let’s take ’em to Fresno. Maybe my keys are there.”

“I’m ignoring that sub-Vaudeville-level joke. Caller, are you there?”

“I AM EVERYWHERE AT ONCE DUE TO MY GENIUS AND FLOWER POWER.”

“Hey, ‘Ye.”

“BOBBY WEIR OF THE WU-TANG CLAN! I LOVE YOU BUT WILL BATTLE RAP YOU ON ABC’S THE VIEW.”

“Uh, sure. Lemme check my schedule.”

“WHERE IS LITTLE POTATO? WE WERE GOING SHOPPING FOR UNDERWEAR AND FRAGRANCES.”

“He’s probably still in 2018.”

“I AM 2018.”

“Good to hear, ‘Ye.”

“Great call. Thanks, caller. The fans love you, Bobby.”

“They do, yeah.”

“Wanna keep taking calls?”

“Why not?”

“Hey, caller. This is the Radio Randy Show. What’s up?”

“AH THOUGHT AH TOL’ THAT CRAZY BASTARD ‘BOUT SPEAKIN’ IN ALL CAPS, DAMMIT!”

“Hey, King.”

“YOU TELL THAT BOY WE GONNA KARATE. AH DONE GAVE HIM A CHANCE T’ CHANGE HIS FOOLISH WAYS.”

“That’s fair.”

“GOT ME ALL RILED UP!”

“Can’t be stealing a man’s shtick, King.”

“AH DON’ KNOW NOTHIN’ ‘BOUT NO STICKS. HEY, YOU KNOW WHERE LI’L POTATO IS? WE WAS GONNA THROW DELI MEATS AT VIRGIN GIRLS.”

“I think he’s in 2018.”

“THANK YOU VERY MUCH.”

“Bobby, it’s a bit odd how you know every one of the callers.”

“It’s, uh, a synchronous universe, Radio Randy.”