• According to Louise Mensch, he works for the Russians, but according to Louise Mensch, everyone works for the Russians including domestic pets, several kinds of kitchen appliances, and LeBron James.
  • Got caught with the meat in his mouth.
  • Baker’s Dozen, brah.
  • Job just opened up at Fox News; with Congressman Chaffetz’ dashing looks and sunny personality, he’s a good fit for teevee.
  • Allergies.
  • Because he loves his wife and stop asking questions.
  • When rambling in the woods last week, Jason Chaffetz came upon a tablet, and on that tablet was writing that he could not decipher; but then he found a transparent glass-like rock next to the tablet that he called a seer stone, and this enabled him to read the tablet, and it said he should resign.
  • Ran out of activator for his jheri-curl.
  • His upline in the Multi-Level-Marketing scheme he works for finally started paying off.
  • Kompromat. (Everyone who isn’t literally in the CIA needs to stop saying kompromat. It’s not like schadenfreude: there is a word in English for blackmail in the English language. The word is “blackmail.” We don’t need the loanword.)
  • 4/20 makes you do some fucked up shit, yo.