Your Love For Me Has Got To Be Real Housewives

Okay, I mean it this time: you can’t be in the Grateful Dead anymore.

“Not your call.”

This is actionable. This is a Dishonorable Discharge. Sir, I’m gonna have to ask you to step outside.

“Knock it off.”

I get that Andy is your friend, but why would you attend this function?

“These are the Real Housewives!”

I know. That’s why I asked the question. It wasn’t just because they were women.

“Of multiple cities!”

Your only excuse is that you have a brain tumor pushing up against your tasteythalmus.

“Not a thing.”

It’s the part of the brain that judges aesthetics.

“Look, I’m here supporting Andy and hanging out with Real Housewives. You’re just jealous.”

How many glasses of wine have been thrown?

“I lost count. It started almost immediately. Several of the Housewives brought goggles in anticipation.”

Gotta be prepared. How many of them straight-up invited you into the bathroom for a beej?

“Eight.”

Not bad. How many times you go?

“All eight times, but I only let one blow me. The rest, I made them show me their buttholes.”

When the phone rings, do not continue this line of conversation.

“What?”

CELL PHONE NOISE

“Ah.”

…

“You’re on with John.”

“Dead & Co suck. Ari rules.”

“Nephew on the Dead?”

“This guy here is the future. You got a tambourine on your shoe?”

“Mickey probably has one.”

“Josh, lemme ask you a question–”

“Don’t call me Josh. You’re a baby. You don’t get to do that.”

“–you guys ever do Itsy Bitsy Spider?”

“I don’t think so.”

“You’d know, dude. That shit’s the jam. My man Ari here does a Spider>Whole Word In His Hands that blows minds, dude. You guys are just posing with guitars. Ari? Ari’s making the real music.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Oh, dude.  Happy And You Know It! He hasn’t played this since 12/11/16.”

“How do you know that?”

“AriBase. I gotta go.”

DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH PHONES NO LONGER DO THAT

…

“I don’t wanna talk to him.”

He’s a perfect angel and I’ll throw dinosaurs at you from now until the end of time if you breathe ill of him.

“I don’t wanna talk to you, either.”

I can understand that.