FRANCE – MORNING
“Get ’em together, c’mon. Let’s go. Gather. I’m gonna talk. Where’s Jim Acosta?”
“Here, sir?”
“Take his umbrella away.”
UMBRELLA-TAKING NOISE
“Really?”
“You do not deserve an umbrella. That was an Executive Order.”
“That’s not how those work.”
“I have come out here, very bravely, probably with greater bravery than any president we’ve had. Even the movie presidents. When Indiana Jones was on Air Force One? Very brave! But maybe not quite my level. Not quite. The Secret Service begged me. Begged! ‘Mr. President, please don’t be so bold. Let us keep you safe.’ They said that. But I’m a superhero in a lot of ways. A lot of ways.”
“Mr. President, why are you not going to the World War I memorial service today?”
“World War I was the one without the Nazis. Many people don’t know that. They figure ‘It’s a World War, gotta be Nazis,’ but that’s why they’re not president and I am. World War I was a great world war. Top three. But, as you can see, it’s raining. Area’s known for its rain, buckets of it. And so the helicopters can’t fly and the Secret Service said no. They were very strong in their denials, and that was impressive and it impressed me and so we won’t be going to the service or whatever.”
“How will you be spending the time, sir?”
“Memorials, you know, what are they for? You sit there. Poems and you pray and all of that. Let’s move forward. Forget about the past. And don’t forget that most of the soldiers who fought in World War I were foreign.”
“You were going to Belleau Wood, sir. It was an American battle.”
“Hit Jim Acosta with his own umbrella.”
UMBRELLA-HITTING NOISE
“Hey! Stop that!”
“This is what the Democrats want. This is what all Socialists want, and all Democrats are Socialists. Democrats, and everyone knows this, want to require you to cook and clean for Mexicans instead of the other way around, the right way. And this Me Too, Me Three, whatever it’s called, this is insanity. Insanity. Imagine being accused of something that happened in your past, lying women doing things like that. It’s not what those great men buried out there in the pouring rain died for. Great men, some of the best, maybe ever.”
“Mr. President, it’s not pouring.”
“It is. It’s actually raining a lot harder than it seems. This is sneaky rain. See, the drops are wetter than regular raindrops, so the overall water delivery is the same. It’s a wonderful thing. Sneaky rain. Rare, but that’s what this is. The helicopters can’t take it. Probably made in the district of Mia Love, a loser who lost her race because she was so nasty to me. Very ugly woman. Maybe a wig. A lot of them wear wigs.”
“Sir, Marine One is a modified Sikorsky VH-3D Sea King. It’s amphibious. It can take the rain.”
“American rain. Not French. Listen, the North of France in November in the rain? Not for me. South of France, much better. There are some lovely properties around here, but no one wants the hassle of dealing with the French. The accent makes you want to shoot yourself. And then you got the EU, which is a ripoff of the USA. Clearly. Clearly, they’re stealing our intellectual property. Whenever I finally meet my Attorney General, I’m going to instruct him to sue the EU. The military isn’t out of the question.”
“Mr President, are you threatening military action against Europe?”
“I hope not! I hope I don’t have to, but we’re looking at documents and there’s a lot of angles on things. On one side here, we got Poland, and then there’s Italy and Austria. Denmark. You know, you got Denmark. It’s complicated. A lot of people don’t understand it. Obama didn’t. Neither did his wife, who is a terrible person. And maybe a man. I don’t know. A lot of people say. You see her shoulders and you think, ‘Maybe. Could be.’ Definitely no supermodel like Melania. Probably a man. Michelle Obama is a man and I might have to go to war with Europe.”
“You talked yourself into that pretty quick.”
“Hit Jim Acosta with his umbrella some more.”
REPEATED UMBRELLA THRASHING NOISE
“Knock that off!”
“Someone else. Abby.”
“Is there a reason you couldn’t drive to the memorial? It’s only an hour away.”
“This is a terrible question, probably one of the worst I’ve ever been asked. You are CNN?”
“Yes, sir.”
“I’m pulling your license.”
“What?”
“Bing bang bing. Hand it over.”
“My driver’s license?”
“CNN, which I never watch, is full of some of the worst liars and fake news that anyone’s ever seen. Go all the way back, yellow journalism or Rome or World War I, and there’s never been such fake news. Bad for America. CNN is bad for America. Just be fair! Look at the black employment. You have a job, Abby! So there’s black unemployment. The market? The market is exploding. Investors call me up. ‘Thank you, Mr. President. You’ve given me my retirement. You’ve helped me with a kid that’s sick or whatever.’ Every day. And Sean Hannity calls, too, and he’s a bright guy. Was a construction worker, now he’s worth millions. Very smart. He can’t stop raving about what a job I’m doing, and that is such a nice compliment from him. But I don’t get that from CNN.”
“To re-ask a question of Jim’s: how will you be spending the time of the memorial today?”
“Very dumb. Abby, that’s just dumb. My location is a top government secret. Our enemies know where I am, they send over a missile, boom bam bop I’m toast. Not on my watch. Not on my watch. I can’t talk to you. Your news is too fake.”
“Sir!”
“Jim, I already talked to you.”
“You didn’t answer my questions.”
“Hit him again.”
UMBRELLA WHOMPING NOISE
“Cut it out!”
“God bless the troops, our troops, all right, that’s it.”
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