SENATE HEARING ROOM – AFTERNOON
“Everyone’s gonna come to order. Come to order. Hope everyone’s lunch was good. Since I turned 80, I’ve been living on a diet of nutrient paste. Judge Kavanaugh, you ready?”
“I am, Senator Grassley.”
“Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?”
“Memory is such a flexible concept.”
“I’m gonna accept that as a ‘yes’ and ask for your opening statement.”
“Chairman, Ranking Member Feinstein, Senators, my beloved family, Alyssa Milano, thank you for allowing me to speak in front of you about these completely false and heinous charges that the Democrat Party has launched at me. In just weeks, they have ruined a reputation it took a lifetime to build. This was a coordinated attack and they came at me against my will. I told them to stop, but they wouldn’t. That is not just unethical, it is immoral, at least if it happens to me. I will now take questions.”
“The Chair recognizes Senator Feinstein.”
“Judge Kavanaugh, you are denying all the allegations made against you?”
“I am. Also, may I add, you are a devil-woman and I’ll eat your face.”
“Mr. Chairman?”
“Judge, we can’t have that.”
“I’M PASSIONATE! MY NAME’S ON THE LINE HERE!”
“I’ll allow it. The boy’s got fire in his belly. Gotta let him blow off some steam every now and then.”
“Judge Kavanaugh, again: are you denying all the allegations?”
“I am.”
“The attempted rape at the party?”
“It wasn’t me.”
“The dickslapping incident?”
“It wasn’t me.”
“Running a train in Ocean City?”
“It wasn’t me.”
“Y’know, I can hear that you’re singing it. That’s not funny.”
“I couldn’t help myself. Listen: I didn’t do it. And/Or I wasn’t there. Whichever conjunction helps my point more. These alleged happenstances of 35 and 40 years ago have entirely slipped from my mind.”
“Judge, are you drunk right now?”
“No. But I’ve had several. Me and Squicky and Mooch found an empty office around the corner and we put away half a fifth of rum. Don’t ask about the rum. Moochy’s going through this rum phase. They’re here.”
“YOOOO!”
“MOOCH!”
“Those are my boys, Senator.”
DING!
“Hold on up, Dianne, your time is up. Durbin, if I let you talk are you gonna blabber on for the whole five minutes again?”
“I have questions for this witness.”
“Yeah, yeah.”
“Judge Kavanaugh, you sit there in the seat previously warmed by Dr. Ford’s traumatized backside. I also acknowledge the pain this has caused you, your beloved family, and Squicky and Mooch. But I must say that Dr. Ford made a compelling statement. She spoke firmly and bravely and really put on a heck of a show. On both a technical and an emotional level; great performance. Go to the FBI, she says. Have them investigate. Which makes sense to me. I figure: if I’m telling the truth, then why wouldn’t I want the FBI to investigate.
“You mentioned your name. My name, Durbin, dates back to the Languedocs. It originally meant “to burn shit for fuel even when wood is readily available.” We’ve come so far, the Durbins. Look at me. A Senator.
“So if, along my perambulations through this world, I had been accused of the atrocities you’ve been accused of…and I knew I didn’t do it? I’d fight for my name like a camel. People are scared of the wrong damn animals, Judge. Tigers, sharks, alligators; they got nothing on a camel. All four legs got a 360 range of destruction. Hooves the size of pizza trays.
“Head’s the worst part, though. A camel has the bite strength of a pit bull dog. Absolutely true fact. They will chomp a divot out of your skull. Camel’ll crack bone easy. Plus they’re racist. This is just a fact: camels are racist, but the reverse. Not fans of how white people smell.”
DING!
“Goddammit, Durbin.”
“Was that five minutes already?”
“Every fucking time with you. Senator Whitehouse, you’re up.”
“Thank you, Senator Grassley. Judge, I have your yearbook in front of me and I’d like to ask you some questions about it.”
“This is an absurdity.”
“As with most yearbooks, you can see your picture next to some text. The text is generated by the student, traditionally. Let’s dissect some of the more obscure phrases from yours.”
“An absurdity, I tell you.”
“What does ‘The best anal is sudden anal’ mean, Judge?”
“That is both youthful and exuberant. No different than any of my peers.”
“‘Make her airtight.’ What does that mean?”
“That is when the woman has penises in her mouth, vagina, and anus. Again: youthful exuberance.”
“How about ‘Remember setting those hobos on fire?'”
“It was a Georgetown Prep tradition to include micro-fiction in one’s yearbook quote. That was mine. I have never set anyone on fire, hobo or otherwise.”
NERVOUS GULPING OF WATER NOISE
“Uh-huh. And then, if you turn to the front of the yearbook where the signatures go, you’ll find quite a few.”
“I was very popular. Number one boy in my class. I had rivals, but now I stand alone. Best college in the universe. I have argued contract law with the Satraps of Ti’miom Ahr!”
“What?”
DING!
“Already?”
“You’re a dunce, Whitehouse.”
“Bite me, Chuck.”
“Ah, crap, might as well get this over with. Senator Harris?”
“Boooooo!”
“Actual hissing!”
“The negress has a forked tongue!”
GAVEL POUNDING NOISE
“Settle the hell down, Republican Senators.”
“The Democrats made us do it.”
“Shut up, Ted Cruz. Senator Harris, please take your time.
“Judge Kavanaugh–”
“There was a wrestler named Kamala. It was a guy, though.”
“–I wanted to…ignoring that…ask again why you have not asked the White House to call for an FBI investigation.”
“Is that what the committee wants me to do?”
“What the committee wants is irrelevant.”
“You decide.”
“That’s not how it works.”
“Wherever you wanna go is fine.”
“We’re not choosing where to go for lunch, Judge. You were ranting about your name being ruined before and now you don’t care?”
“This is all a nightmare for me. I played football all four years. I was a wide receiver because I was swift, yet powerful.”
“Judge.”
“We beat Bullis my Junior year. I scored the winning touchdown and after that I took my tuggers. They were my due.”
“Judge.”
“I WAS OWED THE TUGGERS!”
“The next white person that yells at me is gonna catch hands. Just putting that on the record. Judge, do you know the women who have made these allegations?”
“Yeah, and honestly? Those chicks are crazy.”
“Mm-hmm.”
“Real drunken messes. And not hot enough to get away with it, y’know?”
“I don’t know.”
“But I didn’t know them. Although…can you ever really know a person? Anyway, can I be a Supreme Court Justice now?”
“What? No.”
“Ugh, This is absurd. I’m disturbed by how absurd all of this is. It’s absurd, I’m disturbed. It’s absurd, I’m disturbed. Hey! Squicky! Write that down! That’s a song right there.”
“Judge Kavanaugh.”
“We have a band.”
“Of course you do. Judge, I also want to–”
“AH WILL DEMAND THE SURRENDER O’ THE EBONY USURPER’S TAHM!”
“Ah, Jesus. Settle down, Lindsey.”
“Grassley, you gimme the floor or Ah’m gonna claw out those decrepit eyeballs o’ yours.”
“Oh, whatever, you drama queen.”
“Brett Kavanaugh, you done been besmirched! All Democrats do is smirch. It is the last desperate act o’ fools an’ renegades, and Ah say we hunt the Democrats into the hills. My word, why would any fine young man fresh from law school, tawny and new in life, and maybe hung like a railroad piston, want to apply for a job with the government? Where will we get judges if rape is a disqualifier? Judge, do you know that Dianne Feinstein is a devil-woman?”
“I did. I called her that.”
“You such a fine man. Keen mind. You could sharpen your knife on it. Ouch! Ah cut myself.”
“Ha ha, Senator.”
“Ah wish Ah had a knife, honest. Ah’d stab all them Democrats right in their stupid faces. YOU HEARD ME! You’re all wicked! I believe that the Democrat Party of today is controlled by Satan. And the Chinese. Ah would be a hero. What you’ve been through today, Judge Kavanaugh is an ordeal beyond measure. If it were up t’ me, Ah’d make you Chief Justice. The trauma inflicted.”
“On me.”
“Yes, obviously on you. Who else could I mean?”
…
“Our troops?”
“Oh, yes, the troops. Love them, but a lot are gonna die cuz of what the Democrats are doin’ in this chamber. Directly. These dastardly people is killin’ American soldiers because they hate America. Them lot is all in on Chinese Satan. My God, what they did t’ you and your kin! Ain’t right t’ treat a fellow Christian that way. But my word have they persevered. Hello, Ashley. Hello, kids.”
UNHAPPY FAMILY WAVING NOISE
“Squicky. Mooch.”
SQUICKY AND MOOCH WAVING NOISE
“They all gonna burn in hell. An’ if they ever get in power again, we all gonna burn with ’em. They all fabricatin’ and prevaricatin’. They done weaponized sluttery. An’ mah fellow Republicans? If you vote ‘No’ on this glorious creature, then you gonna get a face-stabbin’, too. Lindsey Graham is declarin’ th’ end o’ th’ fuckin’ world, motherfuckers!”
FEY MAN ON A WHITE HORSE RIDING OFF
“Goddamn, he’s gotten weird since McCain died.”
“Senator Grassley, can we take five minutes?”
“I think we deserve it.”
GAVEL NOISE
Exhibit A.
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