“Morning, everyone. The Committees on the Judiciary and Commerce, Energy, Transportation, Interstate Love Songs, Rabies Prevention, and Little League Rules will come to order. We welcome y’all to this morning’s hearing on Facebook and privacy and all matters of whatnottery. I hope that you will give this hearing a ‘like.'”
MILD, POLITE LAUGHTER NOISE
“Here with us today is Mark Zuckerberg, founder and CEO of Facebook. We do appreciate his appearance.”
“Thank you, Senator. I got my hair cut special.”
“I will pass off the first question to my distinguished colleague, Mr. Grassley from the great state of Iowa.”
“Why, I thank you, Mr, Thune, for that lovely invitation. May your children be masculine and strong.”
“Peace be unto you, Mr. Grassley.”
“Now, uh, Mr. Zookie…Zucky…Zaboomafoo…listen, I’m just gonna call you Mr. Jewish.”
“I don’t know how okay I am with that.”
“Mr. Jewish, you are the CEO of something on the computer called ‘The Facebook.’ Now, where is that located?”
“I don’t follow, sir. Our corporate headquarters?”
“No, where is the computer that this ‘The Facebook’ resides within? I’m assuming that this is some sort of mainframe-type deal.”
“No, sir, Facebook is a decentralized service that–”
“Just tell me where you keep the damn punchcards, boy.”
“There are no punchcards, sir.”
“Ah. You’ve upgraded to a tape-based system.”
“No. It’s all digital, sir.”
“I can’t understand a word of what he’s saying. Is this one of them millennials we always hearin’ about? Dianne, is Mr. Jewish talkin’ Jew-talk?”
“May I take over the questioning, Chuck?”
“Aw, hell, you go to it, Dianne. Never could say no to you.”
“So sweet. Hello, Mr. Zuckerberg.”
“Senator Feinstein.”
“Mr. Zuckerberg, on one hand, I would like to smear the Trump administration with as much borscht-and-vodka-smelling shit as I can, but on the other hand, I love how much money you and your friends in Silicon Valley give me. Here’s my question: could you thread this needle for me?”
“I’m sorry, and we’ve got to do better.”
“Y’know what? I’ll take it. Good enough. Love you, Zuck.”
“Back atcha, Lady Di.”
“I cede the rest of my time to Senator Nelson from the great state of Florida.”
“Senator Feinstein, it is an honor to breathe in the air you fart out.”
“Oh, you.”
“Mr. Zuckerberg, I would like to compliment you on your big-boy suit. You look like, as some of my South Florida constituents would say, a real mensch.”
“Thank you. I had help with the tie.”
“We all need a little help in this life, son. Now, uh, tell me the last time you made whoopee to your wife.”
“Whoopee, sir?”
“Last time you put the wiener in the sticky bun, Mr. Zuckerberg. And I would like to know about buttholes. Were they in play?”
“Senator, I don’t feel comfortable sharing that with you. Or, really, anyone in this room.”
“I wanna hear about the buttholes.”
“Senator Cruz, wait your turn! Now, you say you are uncomfortable sharing that information. What about hobos? Ever run one over, keep going? Just a hobo, after all. You ever go hobo-hunting in your fine automobile?”
“I can neither confirm nor deny ever hit-and-running a hobo. And I don’t think we call them that anymore.”
“Well, if you won’t tell the Senate about killing hobos, then how do you explain your user agreement?”
“What?”
PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHH
“What is that noise, Mr. Zuckerberg?”
“Senator Nelson, it seems that my booster seat has a slight puncture.”
“Can someone get this young man some phone books? Who’s got some phone books?”
PHONE BOOK PROCURING NOISE
“That’s better. Thank you, Senator.”
“Senator Nelson, I have a further question.”
“By all means, Senator Grassley.”
“Is a computer the same thing as a robot?”
“No, sir.”
“No further questions.”
“Mr. Zuckerberrrrrg. Mr. Zuckerberrrrrrg.”
“Yes, Senator Cruz?”
“I have several questions, but mostly I’d just like to accuse you of things. Have you ever watched any of Jordan Peterson’s lectures?”
“I haven’t.”
“He’s great. Really smart stuff. Mr. Zuckerberg, your wife is a Chinese.”
…
“And?”
“I’m just pointing that out. How Chinese are we talking about? Beef-and-broccoli or drowning girl babies in the river?”
“Wildly inappropriate, Senator.”
“No, sir, what is inappropriate is you censoring conservative voices. There are two women, hefty negresses, named Diamond and Silk. I don’t know if those are their real names, but they might be. Black people just go wild when it comes to names. So, this Diamond and Silk were huge on Facebook, and now they’re not. They say it’s personal because you’re Deep State and maybe secretly not a real American. Mr. Zuckerberrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg.”
“What is the question, sir?”
“Were the buttholes in play?”
“Can we have a 15-minute break?”
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