“Great, look, children. Hello, children, I am the President because I beat Hillary Clinton very, very badly. She was bad. Can you say ‘Crooked Hillary?’ Many of her friends ate children, or had sex with them. John Podesta. Podesta the Molesta. Bad guy, kids, and I want you to forget all about that because I am the President, like I said and everyone knows, and I will keep you safe while you look for whatever. Eggs? Eggs, whatever, great.”
“WAAAAAAAAH!”
“What is it doing? It’s making a noise, and not a very good one. An awful noise, If I’m honest. Someone come get it. General?”
“Sir.”
“General Kelly? Where’s my General?”
“Right next to you, sir.”
“General? Is this you in the bunny suit?”
“No, I’m not in the fucking…no, sir. Swivel.”
“Like this?”
“No, that’s bending over.”
“I can’t see you, General.”
“Straighten up and turn around.”
“Like this?”
“You’re doing the Macarena.”
“I was the first one to do the Macaroni. No one gives me credit for being a pioneer of dance. Oh, there you are. Get rid of the kids.”
“They all fled, sir.”
“Good, good. Bring ’em back when they’ve graduated business school. I let the wives do the kids, General. That’s their deal. Kids. They got snot all over them, real gross stuff. Shit everywhere. Not my thing! Wife does that, and the nannies, whatever. And then, you know, you got nannies in the house and sometimes you can get in there. You a nannybanger, General?”
“I never married, nor had children, sir.”
“Fag? I don’t care, just asking.”
“Sir, we have had this exact conversation five times a day for going on a year now.”
“Let’s talk to the press.”
“Oh, please, no.”
“Press? Where’s my press? Press?”
PRESS BEING SHUFFLED IN NOISE
“You are all fake news.”
“Sir, can you say whether–”
“Maggie, lemme take someone else’s question. I’ll call you secretly later.”
“Jesus, man. Not out loud.”
“Press? Where’s the press? You, Jim. Jim, are you lying or failing?”
“Neither, sir. I’m with CNN.”
“You are lying and failing. Very, very fake and negative and maybe not nice. Very not nice, when I have set records with every segment of the black economy. The wall is being built. It’s almost done, very close to being complete and so beautiful. No one has a wall like this. China called me, this is true. They called and said, ‘Mr. Trump, our wall is good, but you have the best wall.’ They said that, and it was a real compliment to me because, you know, they’re known for their wall. But mine is better. Great, great wall. They said, ‘Maybe your’s should be called the Greatest Wall.’ They said that. The Chinese.”
“Do you have any comment on the new tariffs they’ve announced?”
“There are recreational vehicles full of Mexicans coming up here right now. As we speak. Huge line of RV’s heading north, and they’ve all got knives and diseases and because we don’t have the wall, many women will be violated and shot with Uzis. They’re coming from everywhere. There’s Mexicans from Argentina, Colombia, wherever. And they’re on their way. Maybe that’s a job for the Army? General? Can I bomb Mexico to stop Uzis?”
“Do you want Buffalo wings, Mr. President?”
“Yes, let’s do that. When I went to Wharton, which everyone recognizes is the best business school in the world, I was thinking about going pro in wing-eating. Nobody could beat me. People would come up to me on the street and say, ‘Hey, I heard you ate the most wings, 80, 90, 100, who remembers how many?’ And I didn’t have any trick. I’m just good at a lot of things naturally.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Bring back the kids. I have important things to tell them. Only the good ones. You know. The good ones. Only American kids.”
CHILDREN BEING SHUFFLED IN NOISE
“Kids, we’re at the White House. Many, many Presidents have lived here and the staff keeps it up real nice. Super-duper shape. A lot of the staff are blacks, but they still work hard. Shrubs are overgrown? Bing bing bong, you got neat shrubs. You could even live here if you’re in a wheelchair. Roosevelt. Wheelchair. Still won World War Two. Never stood up, but he won a war. That’s big, that’s killer. And I got snipers on the roof. Snipers, come on out! Snipers? Where are my snipers?”
“Sir, we like to downplay the ‘snipers on the roof’ thing.”
“Snipers?”
“Sir, the children.”
“They all have to go back to Mexico.”
“Yes, sir. Wings?”
“Let’s do wings, great, absolutely.”
Recent Comments