Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Category: Uncategorized (Page 323 of 1031)

Baby Levon Sells Cartoon Balloons In Town

“Gampa, look! I gotta bawooon.”

“Where did you get that balloon, Baby Levon?”

“Nice man in Wed Sox hat.”

“PUT THAT DOWN!”

“No, you can’t make me. Gonna run over here.”

“No, Baby Levon! Stay away from the–”

Wuh-PASH!

“–bullwhip lessons!”

“I okay, Gampa!”

“We should stop scheduling those during the show.”

“I go pet doggy now.”

“No! That’s–”

UNHOLY LAUGHING NOISE

“–a hyena! Who the fuck brought a hyena?”

“I think it’s a service hyena, Dad.”

“Grahame, if I want any crap out of you, I’ll squeeze your head.”

“Aw.”

“Gampa, look! The silver moves!”

“Is that a box full of old broken thermometers? Why would you even own that, let along leave it around children?”

“That’s mine, Dad. It’s a collector’s item.”

“Grahame, I swear to God.”

“Gampa, I got fwamethrower!”

FWOOOOOOOSH

“I okay!”

“HEY! Jackass!”

“You! The one who ‘writes’ all this bullshit. Hey!”

Me?

“Yes, you. Could you stop treating my grandson like a Loony Toon?”

I could.

“Try your hardest, fucknuts.”

I’ll try.

“You told him, Dad.”

“Grahame, get off the stage. Give me your guitar and your beard and get off the stage.”

“But, Dad–”

“NOW, Mister!”

“Aw.”

Cuz When Bob’s On The Mic, Bob Rocks The Mic Right

Oh, God, what is this?

“I am, uh, hipping and hopping.”

Please don’t.

“Rap-rock. Next big thing.”

It’s not.

“Well, my well-worn copy of the Demolition Man soundtrack begs to differ.”

Bobby.

“Call me Big Yachty.”

Absolutely not.

“But I love it when they call me Big Yachty.”

Still not gonna happen.

“Y’know, Billy used to have a human beatbox routine.”

Really?

“Oh, sure. He would beat a human with a box.”

I walked into that one.

“I actually am far more familiar with the hip-hop scene than you would think. Josh is teaching me about it. Kept introducing me to a rapper during the last tour.”

What did the rapper look like?

“Shoeless, mohawk. Big fan of the Dead, too.”

Bobby, that was Oteil. He’s your bass player.

“Ah. That would explain him playing bass.”

Right. Please no rap-rock, Bobby.

“Step off, bissh.”

Jesus.

“My daughter taught me that one.”

Jesus.

Maggie Haberman’s Number Must Be Written On The White House Bathroom Wall Or Something

CELL PHONE NOISE

“Motherfucker. Motherfuckers motherfucking fucking mothers in Motherfucker City. Three a.m. Every motherfucking night with these motherfuckers. What!?”

“Hey, Maggie. It’s Sean Spicer.”

“Sean? Why are you calling? You quit or got fired or whatever a month ago.”

“You’re right, but today’s my last day.”

“Does anything work normally in that building anymore?”

“If I told you, you’d never sleep again.”

“I don’t sleep now because all of you wretches, fumblers, and drunkards calling me all goddamned night. Have you been going in to work this whole time?”

“Going in? I haven’t left my office in a month. I got my mini-fridge, and I stole an oven from one of the messes. Couple brewskis, make myself some nachos. Got my brother’s Netflix password. It’s Spice World in here.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Living the life!”

“Why haven’t you been going home?”

“My family looks at me with shame in their eyes.”

“Sure.”

“This is better, honestly. It’s like I live in the White House. You ever read From the Mixed-Up Files of Basil E. Frankweiler? It’s like that. Ooh, or Eloise.”

“You’re not Eloise, Sean. You’re a 45-year-old ginger who’s living in his office.”

“And working. Still working to spread the President’s message and policies.”

“Really?”

“Maggie, just because I was publicly humiliated to the point where everyone started to feel bad for me doesn’t mean I’m not a terrible, terrible person.”

“Right.”

“MAGA, Maggie.”

“Sure.”

“Take just today, for example. I advised Jared Kushner that the President should blame antifa for the hurricane.”

“Yup, that’s terrible. Wait. Jared Kushner is your buddy now?”

“We are super-tight. Guy loves me. Keeps asking for my autograph.”

“Huh?”

“Says he loves my signature. Goes on and on about how great it is. Makes me sign it on all different sorts of paper.”

“You probably want to stop doing that, Sean.”

“He tells me all about the rabbits, Maggie.”

“It’s a real circular firing squad over there, isn’t it?”

“Things are tense. Sometimes, the President just howls. Like a betrayed wolf. Sound goes right through your soul. Maggie, can I be honest with you?”

“First time for everything.”

“I think…and, gosh, this is so tough to say…I think he could be doing a little better.”

“Y’think?”

“Don’t get me wrong! 95% of the President’s problems are caused by the lying media. Or Obama holdovers. Or Jeff Flake. Or the weather. Or the Deep State.”

“So: anyone but him?”

“Basically. Do you know that Obama not only pardoned Charles Manson, but sent Air Force One to pick him up from jail?”

“None of that is true.”

“It is. One of the President’s sons told me.”

“Which one?”

“The ugly one.”

“You’ll have to be more specific, Sean.”

“Hey, you in Washington?”

“Yes.”

“You wanna come over? I’ll give you a special tour.”

“I’ve seen the White House, Sean.”

“But have you seen the ceiling of my office?”

“Annnnnnd there it is. Good night.”

“Don’t tell the Pope I said that.”

DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH PHONES DO NOT DO THAT ANY MORE

Forgive Me, Father, For I Have Spinned

“I-a know you. You-a da fibber.”

“I have many sins to confess, Your Holiness.”

“Si, si. You was-a bearin’ da false witness.”

“Yes, Your Holiness. I come seeking forgiveness.”

“I-a don’t know. You did-a some nutty goofball-a stuff. What’s-a da Holocaust Center?”

“I was nervous, Your Holiness. It turns out I’m not very good under pressure.”

“Mm. I-a don’t know.”

“Oh, please, Your Holiness. I can’t live with my sins.”

SEAN SPICER PROSTRATING HIMSELF NOISE

“Oh, for da love-a God. Get off-a da floor, Spicey.”

“Please don’t call me that.”

“She was-a funny doing you on-a da teevee. What’s-a her name? Da big-a girl?”

“Melissa McCarthy.”

“She should-a do another film with-a da Sandy Bullock. Those-a two had chemistry.”

“Yes, sir.”

“I was-a sad when-a you quit. I wanted to see what-a she gonna do with-a da podium next.”

“It was a fan favorite sketch, Your Holiness. Actually caused me quite a bit of trouble at work.”

“Si, si. The devil, he have-a da thin skin. Usually, he also have-a da red skin, but now it’s-a orange. You know who got-a da great sense of humor about-a himself?”

“Jesus?”

“Jesus. All-a da time, da Apostles-a roast him. Give-a him da zingers. Personal stuff-a. About-a da beard, everything.”

“And Christ just took the jokes?”

“He took-a da cross, he could take-a da joke. Except about-a his dad not being around. That’s-a da no-go spot.”

“Sensitive topic.”

“Thaddeus said-a something one time, and-a Jesus? He-a Force-chokes him.”

“Jesus Force-choked a disciple, Your Holiness?”

“Si, si. Like-a da Darth Vader.”

“I didn’t know that.”

“It’s-a not in-a da canon. Deep in-a da apocrypha.”

“Ah. What were we talking about?”

“All-a da sins you committed.”

“Right. Your Holiness, please release me from–”

“All right, all right. Dominus Vobiscum, bippit-a boppit-a boo. You’re-a forgiven.”

“Oh, thank you! Thank you, thank you!”

PAPAL SLEEVE KISSING NOISE

“Hey, hands off-a da merchandise.”

“Thank you, Your Holiness.”

“It’s-a what I do.”

Springsteen On Broadway, Scene ii

The stage is DARK. TEEN BRUCE (Jaden Smith) is illuminated by a single spotlight CENTER STAGE. A NARRATOR (Chris Christie) can be heard.

NARRATOR
Once upon a time
In a state made of gardens
There lay a small town
At the edge of the shore.

BRUCE
I wish…

NARRATOR
There lived a young boy.

BRUCE
More than anything…

The SPOTLIGHT picks out another young man: LITTLE MIAMI STEVE (James Cordon).

LITTLE MIAMI STEVE
I wish…

NARRATOR
And another young boy.

LITTLE MIAMI STEVE
More than anything in the world…

The SPOTLIGHT picks out an enormous black man: YOUNG CLARENCE CLEMONS (Titus Burgess).

CLARENCE
I wish…

NARRATOR
And an enormous black man.

CLARENCE
More than anything in the world…

BRUCE
I could get some chicks, man.
I gotta make a dick plan.
I need to stick it somewhere, but there’s nowhere to be FOUUUUUUUUND.

LITTLE MIAMI STEVE
I wanna get some poon, bro.
My boner’s to the moon, yo.
A little piece of nice-nice makes the world keep spinning ROUUUUUUUND

CLARENCE
I would take some mouth action
All I need is wet traction
O, Lord, my balls are getting full; they’re halfway to the GROUUUUUUND

ALL
His balls are to the GROOUUUUND!

The boys meet CENTER STAGE and horse about.

NARRATOR
Every mom and daddy know
That teenage boys are ’bout to blow
In olden times, they’d go on quests
Or join the army; head out west.

But Jersey boys beat different drums
When pressure mounts and problem comes
And life has left you bruised and sore
New Jersey boys…

BRUCE
Go down the shore!
And to the beach!
Go down the shore!
Girls are in reach!

LITTLE MIAMI STEVE
Go down the shore!
Laugh at the rubes!
Go down the shore!
We’ll see some boobs!

CLARENCE
Go down the shore!
My car has got gas!
Go down the shore!
We’re gonna eat ass!

SCENE CHANGE while film of the three boys in a PINK CADILLAC is projected on the back wall.

EXT. JERSEY SHORE – NIGHT

BOARDWALK SET. Games and funnel cake stands.

BRUCE
I hope we get lucky!

LITTLE MIAMI STEVE
I hope we get laid.

CLARENCE
And wouldn’t it be nice
If we also got paid?

FRANK SINATRA (RuPaul) descends from the rafters bathed in the light like Christ.

FRANK
Now, listen HEEEEEERE you rooty-toots
You weanna SEEEEEEE girls in their birthday suits?
Just take these gifts
That I offer
Soon her pants
Will be off her.

A GUITAR, a SAXOPHONE, and a BANDANA appear.

BRUCE
All right, a guitar.

LITTLE MIAMI STEVE
Are you sure that’s for you?

CLARENCE
The bandana’s for you, Steve
And for, well, you-know-who.

LITTLE MIAMI STEVE turns around to reveal he has a SEMI-ABSORBED TWIN ON THE BACK OF HIS SKULL. Its name is LITTLE LITTLE MIAMI STEVE (Jared Leto).

LITTLE LITTLE MIAMI STEVE
Brother!
Don’t hide me!
No, brother!
Stand beside me!

FRANK SINATRA
This just got weird.

LITTLE LITTLE MIAMI STEVE
Sing me the song about Momma.
Sing of our happy warm home.

FRANK SINATRA
Seriously, what the fuck is happening?

The BATMOBILE enters. Door opens. From within, we can hear SNORES emanating.

FRANK SINATRA
Nope, fuck this.

SINTRA EXITS

Blackout.

Blacks Worse Than David Clarke

  • O.J.
  • Wayne Williams.

STOP THIS RIGHT NOW.

What?

You may not make a list of “worst blacks.” I will not allow this.

This is why Trump won. Gonna hit me with a bike lock now, antifag?

“Antifag?”

I took “antifa” and–

Stop tryping.

–combined it–

I’m begging you to stop digging the hole.

–with “fag.” I’m basically calling you a homosexual who dislikes Nazis.

THAT’S NOT AN INSULT.

It is if you say it in a real sarcastic voice.

This post is over. Go write more of the Springsteen musical.

Clarence Clemons is a much better black than–

SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Your Food Questions, Solved

Is it chili without beans? Chili is called chili because it’s made from chili beans. (NOTE: This is not true.) Chili contains beans, chunks of meat, peppers, onions, spices, and the goop that holds it all together. I always thought of it as the aether of chili. Removing the beans makes it a bolognese or a stew or a Manwich. Beanless chili is pretty much just meat soup. No beans? No chili.

Is a hot dog a sandwich? No. Just because two objects are made of the same materials doesn’t necessarily place them in the same category. Some walls, a roof, and drywall makes a house, but it also makes a dentist’s office. Both would fit under an overarching category of “structure,” but to call them equivalent at a parallel relationship is a taxonomical error. Just because two foodstuffs are made of starch-wrapped-around-meat doesn’t make them the same. Tacos aren’t sandwiches, and neither are calzones.

New York v. Chicago pizza. False binary. Chicago-style pizza is, in fact, not pizza. It is a casserole about which a city lies. Everyone outside the Greater Chicagoland Area knows that whatever the fuck this monster mash of a tomato nightmare that’s been placed in front of them is, it’s not pizza. Can you fold it over and eat it with your hands? No? Then it is not pizza. (And, yes, of course: you can technically fold anything over and eat it with your hands, but I’m talking about civilized humans. We are not CHUDs, people; let’s not behave like them.)

Pineapple on pizza? I can’t answer this. I’ve never had a bite of pineapple in my life. My father used to drink pineapple juice in the mornings. Tiny cans that he would set upside-down in the glass tumbler and it would glugglugglug out. The smell would hit me over my Rice Krispies. Sweetly pale and on-the-verge of rot. Like a different, better fruit had gone sour. And my father would turn to me every morning and say,

“Klaatu barada nikto.”

And I’d answer,

“This entire narrative is shoddy and poorly written.”

And then my dad would say,

“KLAATU BARADA NIKTO, YOU DISAPPOINTING MOTHERFUCKER!”

And then he would beat me using my brother as a cudgel.

Stop writing.

Okay.

 

 

[NOTE: With thanks to Mr. Completely for the idea.]

The Ol’ Switcheroo

“Jenkins!”

“Yes, sir?”

“My brain is on fire!”

“I thought you said you were gonna quit huffing Dust-Off, sir.”

“No, not like that. Okay, also like that, but mostly the fire is made from pure ideas. You see, Jenkins, my brain is a farm.”

“A farm on fire?”

“The fire is a metaphor.”

“What about the farm?”

“Also a metaphor. I planted tiny nuggets of notions in there, you see. And now it is harvest-time, Jenkins. We will reap the beautiful flames we have grown on my brain-farm. You and I, Jenkins.”

“Give me the Dust-Off, sir.”

“Blast the Dust-Off and blast your eyes, Jenkins. My word, it’s been a while since I told you to do that.”

“Yes, sir. They’ve completely recovered.”

“Good, good. Then they’ll be up for the blasting they’re to now receive! Blast them, Jenkins.”

“Blasted, sir.”

“I hope you know that hurt you more than it did me.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Jenkins, is your sister still dead?”

“The brain-farm, sir.”

“Brain-farm! Yes, as I was saying: we’re going to make some movies. Well, re-make them.”

“Can’t we come up with our own stories, sir?”

“Come up with our own stories? How precisely do you suggest we do that? Shall we call for one like a pizza, Jenkins? Have the cat catch one? Perhaps a story is hiding in my credenza. Do you think that a story is hiding in my credenza?”

“No, sir.”

“Shall I check my credenza?”

“No, sir?”

“Do I even have a credenza?”

“The piece of furniture behind you.”

“Oh is that what that’s called?”

“Sir, the movies.”

“Movies! I have a million-dollar idea, Jenkins.”

“If we’re making movies, then a million-dollar idea really isn’t worth much any more.”

“Jenkins, I’ll slap your girlish mouth.”

“Yes, sir.”

“We’re going to take stories with all men and re-do them with all women. Gentrifying.”

“Genderswapping, sir.”

“No, no. Replacing one group with another to make money. Gentrifying.”

“Your malapropisms are a delight, sir.”

“Close your eyes, Jenkins. Close them tight and dream with me.”

“Are you going to slap my girlish mouth while my eyes are shut, sir?”

“I don’t need your eyes to be shut to do that.”

SLAP!

“See?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Now close your blasted eyes.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Have you ever seen RoboCop?”

“Many times, sir.”

“But what if RoboCop was a lady?”

“And?”

“And also the businessmen. They’d all be lady businessmen.”

“Okay. And?”

“I suppose the evil robot could be called EDNA-209.”

“No, what I meant was: why are we changing the characters’ genders?”

“Because we’re woke, Jenkins.”

“In a story sense, sir.”

“Woke story, too. RoboCop will fight crime and the patriarchy.”

“Sure. What about Nancy Allen? RoboCop’s partner. Is she going to be a man now?”

“Jenkins, do you even listen to yourself? Changing a female character to male? That’s whitewashing.”

“It isn’t.”

“I hope Twitter drags you into the Problem Attic. You should sleep there with Scott Baio and the Washington Redskins’ logo.”

“Yes, sir.”

Patton.

“Excuse me, sir?”

“All-female Patton reboot. Cate Blanchett as Patton. Melissa McCarthy as General Bradley. Lupita Nyong’o as Rommel.”

“That’s terrible, sir.”

“Why do you hate equality, Jenkins?”

“Sir, Patton was a biographical picture. It was about a real guy.”

“So was RoboCop.”

“Did you have any other ideas, sir?”

“I wanted to try some of that fentanyl all the kids are talking about.”

“I’ll make a call, sir.”

“Goody.”

Springsteen On Broadway

ASBURY PARK BOARDWALK, 1964 – DAY

The CURTAIN RISES on an abstract set. At stage left is MADAME MARIE’S. In the center is a LOWER-MIDDLE CLASS HOME. At stage right is a STREET SIGN pointing offstage that reads THUNDER ROAD. Where the sun should be is a GIANT EXXON SIGN THAT BRINGS THIS FAIR CITY LIGHT.

From the home, YOUNG BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN (played by ONE OF THE KIDS FROM STRANGER THINGS) enters. He is wearing RED sneakers, BLUE jeans, and a WHITE tee-shirt

BRUCE
What was I born for?
Why should I bother?
With these Jersey struggles,
And my Jersey father?

Was I born to lose?
Or work at the mill?
Should I join the army
Like my Uncle Bill?

Show me my purpose, Lord!
The rules of the game!
And tell me why I have
So Jewish a name!

A KID with a stickball bat runs up to BRUCE.

KID
Hey, Bruce, join the team;
It helps to get girls, see.

BRUCE
Stickball’s not a thing
That we do here in Jersey.

A MILLENNIAL staring at her phone enters.

MILLENNIAL
Come make memes with me, Bruce
We’ll be viral hits!

BRUCE
It’s 1964.
Who’s writing this shit?

GORT the robot enters.

GORT
Klaatu barada nikto.

BRUCE
Could someone explain what is happening here?
We started off well, but I truly do fear
That the song has gone off–

GORT
KLAATU BARADA NIKTO, YOU DENIM-WEARING MOTHERFUCKER.

GORT chokes BRUCE to death.

[Blackout.]

You’ll Never Make Us Run In Little Aleppo

The rain continued.

Miss Rosa’s had shutters, great wooden ones on swinging hinges, and they’d been locked in place hours ago. No one had come in for a while. The power had given, too, but there was a generator in a brick shed added on to the back of the bar. The beer would not skunk on Miss Rosa’s watch, and the lights would stay on if she had to hook them to treadmills and set the orphans to running. Wasn’t like anyone could leave, she figured. Might as well take all their money.

Joint was hopping. Judge Backfat had one of Miss Rosa’s girls on his lap; he was telling her a funny story about how he had sentenced her daddy to the chair. The police chief, Bachelor Smolls, he was at a table with some of his men and just as many girls. (Some of the girls were older than the men, but there’s only one woman at Miss Rosa’s, and that’s Miss Rosa; all the other female staff were girls.) They were celebrating a big bust. Chief had put most of the drugs and some of the cash in the evidence locker, and now it was time for a good time. The Chamber of Commerce had a reserved table in the back; it was full and there was a cash pot in the middle. The dealer had hair dyed a painful black. She was topless, and smiled at the men’s jokes. They had an infinite supply of jokes. An astronaut was at the bar–swear to Deke Slayton, an honest-to-God astronaut–with a girl who liked to be called Bailiwick. A few years after the storm, the astronaut would shoot his wife to be with Bailiwick; his plan did not prove out.

Sometimes the lights would flicker like something dramatic was about to happen, but nothing did.

“How’d you get into it?”

“What?”

“Roadie-ing. Being a roadie. However the fuck you’d say that,” Romeo Rodriguez asked.

“Fell in with a bad crowd,” Precarious Lee answered.

The bar ran all the way along the east side of the room, opposite from the swanky curtains that separated the main bar from the lobby and door. There was a service station in the middle with rails and a tacky placemat to set trays on. Precarious and Romeo were in the far corner, at the end of the bar where they could see the room. Neither was drunk, but neither was sober: they were in that in-between spot, right in the pipe, where thoughts and speech came easily and wit was a companion and everyone was 15% more attractive. Romeo was in his uniform, as he had been since being shot in the face; Precarious was wearing the pair of jeans he owned and a tee-shirt he had been given two decades prior.

“Precarious.”

“Miss Rosa.”

She was short and wide and solid, all of a singular mass, and a blonde wig that might have been too ostentatious for Graceland or the Opry. There was a little curl pasted to her forehead. Red-and-blue western shirt with spangles and buttons and boots made from ostrich and alligator with “ROSA” written in script across each toe. Miss Rosa did not have a pistol; she kept her gun in the hand of the orphan that was leaning over the second-floor railing and watching her every move. His name was Snuffy.

Anything you wanted. All it took was cash. Anything. Girls? Of course, it’s a cathouse, course we got girls. Boys? Well, we all got our weakness, don’t we, Preacher? We can fix you up. Need a little something make the evening go quicker? Maybe you’d like to meet someone in a different line of work from you. Or sell an item you weren’t supposed to have. Could be you got an envelope full of money and an indicted brother. Or you wanted your cock sucked. Miss Rosa’s was your place.

“Why you always bringing ghosts into my place?”

“Fell in with a bad crowd.”

She snorted, nodded at the bartender. Two more shots of Braddock’s whiskey and pints of Arrow beer appeared in front of Precarious and Romeo, and when they turned back to thank her, she was gone and there was no one staring at them from the catwalk. The two men tipped the shots, exhaled forcefully, slapped the glasses back on the bar. Precarious lit another smoke with his silver Zippo. Romeo asked for one.

Outside, the wind screamed like a new widow.

Bum-THAK bum-THAK. The band was back, and the girls were leading the men onto the dance floor. Lester Force and his Texas Millionaires played Western Swing, and they played it well. They said they played it the best, but so did other acts. Show biz isn’t big on empirical proof. The lap steel player barked his slide against the strings, and the drummer smiled like he’d been instructed. The bass payer was named Carolina Cotton, and she also yodeled.

“This is America?”

“Part of it,” Precarious said.

The orphan bartender took their shot glasses. He had on a white tee-shirt like all the other orphans. He said,

“One dead, one alive. Schrodinger’s bar tab.”

And walked back to the astronaut and Bailiwick. Romeo said,

“You sure we’re welcome here?”

“Sure. This is America.”

Incandescent neon flickered and shpritzed above the expensive liquor bottles; the genny hummed in its brick shed and shoved power into the lights, the freezers, the amplifiers. People had come out for a good time and they would get it. People had come out with cash and they could spend it.

A girl who called herself Nursey put a hand on each man’s shoulder.

“You boys like to buy a girl a drink?”

And they did, they did like to buy a girl a drink, especially if the girl was Nursey because Nursey was a good-time girl–you could just tell–and her brown curly hair rested on the spaghetti straps of her lingerie. She had pale eyes like a freshly-calved iceberg and lipstick so red it was a parody of itself, a quotation of itself; it was self-aware lipstick: you know why we’re here, and I know why we’re here, and no harm letting makeup reflect the situation. Shoes that were both slippers and high heels at once. Free-floating sleeves with a tight fishnet weave.

“You a ghost?”

“Me?”

“No, the guy who’s not a ghost,” Nursey said.

“I’m a ghost cop.”

“How’s that going for you?”

“Got its ups and downs.”

“Sounds like my job.”

Precarious laughed.

“Never fucked a ghost before.”

“Me, neither,” Romeo said, and immediately regretted it. Precarious turned back to his beer, shook his head, thought about ordering nachos.

The wind buffeted against the outer walls, but the roof held, and the room roared back against nature with shouts, whoops, insults, lap steel solos. Miss Rosa’s was set apart. Special. That safe place your mother did not tell you about on the outskirts of town open to all who had the cash. Water rose where it shouldn’t. Water flowed where it couldn’t. Electrical fires sparked and sprayed in defiance of the rain and there were live wires like spastic anacondas in the road. The soil saturated and vomited out long-buried caskets that floated down the boulevard in procession. The sky chucked down shit and death and laughed at samaritans.

Nursey laughed and took the drink the orphan bartender had brought her in manicured hand, drank, laughed some more. It was a professional laugh, a practiced one, a perfected laugh, and she said,

“I’m just like you.”

The drinks hit Romeo Rodriguez all at once like a wall and the room was swimming and drowning, and laughing the whole time. The topless dealer had knives hidden in her nipples and sliced the Chamber of Commerce to shred, chopped ears off as souvenirs and trophies, maybe she’d masturbate with ’em later. Snuffy up on the catwalk got to shooting and wouldn’t stop–could be a brain tumor, could be he had enough–and Miss Rosa took the first shots, and the second and third, too. The orphans went feral and grew teeth; the girls all had knives; Carolina Cotton’s yodeling shattered skulls and pelvises. Sand-spiders pattered inside and leapt on Judge Fatback, ate him raw while he screamed for Jesus and his mother.

None of that happened.

Romeo sat at the bar, blinked his eyes, wondered where he was and saw it all again for the first time: the bags under the piano player’s eyes; the barbacks carrying kegs larger than themselves; the scars under the fishnet covering Nursey’s arms.

“You used to be a real nurse,” he said.

“Yeah,” she answered, and curled her hand around his neck, softly, like she had a secret to tell, and she leaned in real close, so close that the words were just breaths with intent. “I told you. I’m just like you.”

A banging at the door. And louder. And louder. A solid WHANP WHANP that shouted out the band and the bar and the genny; no one turned, no one cared. The Chamber of Commerce’s poker game went on. The cops were getting blowjobs, and the judge was, too. Miss Rosa was in her office upstairs with the door closed and locked and Snuffy standing outside.

“You wanna go upstairs?” Nursey whispered to Romeo.

And the door WHANPED some more, and Nursey’s warm hand was in his crotch. Precarious had put a hundred on the bar and slid it towards him; she eyed it, and he eyed it, and then he was immaterial and passing through her and the tables and the dance floor and the orphans and the thick curtains that separated the main room from the lobby. Door was locked, which means dick to a ghost.

They were short and poor. Wet. Baby crying and mother trying not to. Old man. All useless, all broken, and not a dime between them.

“There’s a cover charge,” Miss Rosa said from the catwalk. Snuffy was beside her with his pistol.

“I got it,” Romeo said.

“No. Everyone pays their own way in my place.”

Romeo nodded his head, and said,

“Fuck you. Feed them.”

Miss Rosa smiled and Snuffy pointed his gun, but Romeo Rodriguez was faster. Not an orphan alive that can outdraw a ghost cop. BLAM the revolver flew out of Snuffy’s hand just like in the movies. Precarious picked it up and backed Romeo’s play. You dance with who brought you. Miss Rosa nodded at Romeo and backed into her office. Door shut.

“Cheeseburgers,” Romeo said to the orphan bartender. “And a beer for the old man.”

The old man nodded at Romeo.

The storm passed and the sun came back. It does that. The sky was steel, but lightening and hopeful and huge as the state it lay above. No more fuckery for the time being. Go about your lives, the sky said. I’ve said what I came to say. The crowd thinned.

“About that time?”

“Seems like it,” Romeo said.

Most of the parking lot was a lake. Pickup trucks foundered; motorcycles floated. Off towards the far end was a 1974 Dodge Monaco, black, that had not been affected by the storm. In fact, it was cleaner.

Precarious revved the engine and reached into the glove. Metal box with Tom Mix stamped onto the front. Took out a doobie and arched his back off the driver’s seat to slide the Zippo out of the change pocket of his Levi’s. Lit it PHWOO and held the joint in front of him to see if it was burning properly. It was. Took another drag PHWOO and offered it to Romeo, who looked at it, looked out the windshield, the joint, the windshield, reached for it and hit it PHWOO and sat there with the doobie burning in his hand.

“I think I’ve seen enough,” he said.

“America?”

“Yeah.”

“She can be a bit much,” Precarious said.

And they were on Route 77 with the sun in their eyes, blue skies and puffy clouds that looked like bunnies and puppies and kitties and friendships; the billboards all had compliments on them.

“I think it’s time to go home,” Romeo said.

“Okay.”

“I…I have this weird feeling…like I’m a secondary character in someone else’s story.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Precarious Lee extracted the soft pack of unfiltered Camel cigarettes from the breast pocket of his tee-shirt. He hiked a single smoke out of the pack with a flick of his wrist, and lipped it out. Zippo. PHWOO.

“Everybody gets that feeling.”

“Why?”

“We’re all right occasionally.”

The billboards were warring and humping, and the double-yellow line was arguing with itself. Route 77 led to just about every place, but it stopped off in Texas, and also Little Aleppo, which is a neighborhood in America.

« Older posts Newer posts »