Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Category: Uncategorized (Page 324 of 1031)

The Parentage Trap

Esteemed Commentator Tor Haxson brings to the table an important question, and because I am currently avoiding writing several vital e-mails, I shall attempt to answer this most ponderous of mysteries.

Which Grateful Dead would you want as a parent?

See, I told you it was an important question.

We must start out by noting that none of the Grateful Dead’s children have rampaged through a Burger King, nor been indicted on racketeering charges. Not a one of them has ever been arrested for pissing on a stewardess while yelling “DO YOU KNOW WHO MY FATHER IS!?” They’re all presentable. Any honest reading of the situation must led to the conclusion that the Dead were, at least, decent parents.

But who would be preferred? All members of the band have their pros and cons. To have Phil as a parent means that you would be tall, and have a beard. If that’s how you’d prefer to look, then you should choose Phil. If, on the other hand, you would rather be a hot chick, then Bobby is your best bet. If you’d like a wholesome, hard-working, American name such as Stacy or Justin, then you need to go with Billy; for a hippy-dippy, godless, communist name like Taro or Raya, then Mickey is your man.

Mickey is also an excellent choice because he’s so easy to buy presents for.

“You got me a drum! How did you know what I wanted?”

“Just guessed, Pop.”

Are you going anywhere with this?

Honestly? No.

So why did you write this?

If I stop writing, I’ll die.

Even it’s complete shit?

History will decide its worth.

Go put your head in the stove.

It’s electric.

Put a gun in your mouth in your head in the stove.

Suicide by syntactical recursion. I like it.

Do it.

On The Internet, No One Knows You’re A Grateful Dead

“So, y’see, the guy is holding the girl’s hand–they’re going steady, I suppose–and, uh, the guy’s looking back over his shoulder.”

“At another girl!”

“Right? I mean: the audacity.”

“Ballsy dude.”

“And people, they change stuff around. Like, uh, the guy’s holding hands with capitalism, but turning back to look at socialism.”

“The Scandinavians have so much to teach us.”

“It’s a meme.”

“Oh, I’ve heard of those. Is this it?”

“No, there’s more than one.”

“Wow. Can I see them on my phone, or is just on yours?”

“They’re everywhere.”

“The future.”

“Sure looks like it.”

OR

They’re reading Thoughts on the Dead.

A Tale Of Two Speeches

“What a crowd, what a turnout.”

Donald Trump’s remarks on Hurricane Harvey in Corpus Christi, TX , 8/29/17

Today we gather to celebrate the lives of those we’ve lost to the storms here in Joplin and across the Midwest, to keep in our prayers those still missing, to mourn with their families, to stand together during this time of pain and trial.

And as Reverend Brown alluded to, the question that weighs on us at a time like this is:  Why?  Why our town?  Why our home?  Why my son, or husband, or wife, or sister, or friend?  Why?

We do not have the capacity to answer.  We can’t know when a terrible storm will strike, or where, or the severity of the devastation that it may cause.  We can’t know why we’re tested with the loss of a loved one, or the loss of a home where we’ve lived a lifetime.

These things are beyond our power to control.  But that does not mean we are powerless in the face of adversity.  How we respond when the storm strikes is up to us.  How we live in the aftermath of tragedy and heartache, that’s within our control.  And it’s in these moments, through our actions, that we often see the glimpse of what makes life worth living in the first place.

In the last week, that’s what Joplin has not just taught Missouri, not just taught America, but has taught the world.  I was overseas in the aftermath of the storm, and had world leaders coming up to me saying, let the people of Joplin know we are with them; we’re thinking about them; we love them.  (Applause.)

Because the world saw how Joplin responded.  A university turned itself into a makeshift hospital.  (Applause.)  Some of you used your pickup trucks as ambulances, carrying the injured — (applause) — on doors that served as stretchers.  Your restaurants have rushed food to people in need.  Businesses have filled trucks with donations.  You’ve waited in line for hours to donate blood to people you know, but also to people you’ve never met.  And in all this, you have lived the words of Scripture:

We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed;
we are perplexed, but not in despair;
Persecuted, but not forsaken;
cast down, but not destroyed;

As the governor said, you have shown the world what it means to love thy neighbor.  You’ve banded together.  You’ve come to each other’s aid.  You’ve demonstrated a simple truth:  that amid heartbreak and tragedy, no one is a stranger.  Everybody is a brother.  Everybody is a sister.  (Applause.)  We can all love one another.

As you move forward in the days ahead, I know that rebuilding what you’ve lost won’t be easy.  I just walked through some of the neighborhoods that have been affected, and you look out at the landscape, and there have to be moments where you just say, where to begin?  How to start?  There are going to be moments where after the shock has worn off, you feel alone.  But there’s no doubt in my mind what the people of this community can do.  There’s no doubt in my mind that Joplin will rebuild.  And as President, I can promise you your country will be there with you every single step of the way.  (Applause.)  We will be with you every step of the way.  We’re not going anywhere.  (Applause.)  The cameras may leave.  The spotlight may shift.  But we will be with you every step of the way until Joplin is restored and this community is back on its feet.  We’re not going anywhere.  (Applause.)

That is not just my promise; that’s America’s promise.  It’s a promise I make here in Joplin; it’s a promise I made down in Tuscaloosa, or in any of the communities that have been hit by these devastating storms over the last few weeks.

Now, there have been countless acts of kindness and selflessness in recent days.  We’ve already heard the record of some of that.  But perhaps none are as inspiring as what took place when the storm was bearing down on Joplin, threatening an entire community with utter destruction.  And in the face of winds that showed no mercy, no regard for human life, that did not discriminate by race or faith or background, it was ordinary people, swiftly tested, who said, “I’m willing to die right now so that someone else might live.”

It was the husband who threw himself over his wife as their house came apart around them.  It was the mother who shielded her young son.

It was Dean Wells, a husband and father who loved to sing and whistle in his church choir.  Dean was working a shift at the Home Depot, managing the electrical department, when the siren rang out.  He sprang into action, moving people to safety.  Over and over again, he went back for others, until a wall came down on top of him.  In the end, most of the building was destroyed, but not where Dean had directed his coworkers and his customers.

There was a young man named Christopher Lucas who was 26 years old.  Father of two daughters; third daughter on the way.  Just like any other night, Christopher was doing his job as manager on duty at Pizza Hut.  And then he heard the storm coming.

It was then when this former sailor quickly ushered everybody into the walk-in freezer.  The only problem was, the freezer door wouldn’t stay closed from the inside.  So as the tornado bore down on this small storefront on Range Line Road, Christopher left the freezer to find a rope or a cord or anything to hold the door shut.  He made it back just in time, tying a piece of bungee cord to the handle outside, wrapping the other end around his arm, holding the door closed with all his might.

And Christopher held it as long as he could, until he was pulled away by the incredible force of the storm.  He died saving more than a dozen people in that freezer.  (Applause.)

You see, there are heroes all around us, all the time.  They walk by us on the sidewalk, and they sit next to us in class.  They pass us in the aisle wearing an orange apron.  They come to our table at a restaurant and ask us what we’d like to order.

Just as we can’t know why tragedy strikes in the first place, we may never fully understand where these men and women find the courage and strength to do what they did.  What we do know is that in a split-second moment where there’s little time for internal reflection or debate, the actions of these individuals were driven by love — love for a family member, love for a friend, or just love for a fellow human being.

That’s good to know.  In a world that can be cruel and selfish, it’s this knowledge — the knowledge that we are inclined to love one another, that we’re inclined to do good, to be good — that causes us to take heart.  We see with fresh eyes what’s precious and so fragile and so important to us.  We put aside our petty grievances and our minor disagreements.  We see ourselves in the hopes and hardships of others.  And in the stories of people like Dean and people like Christopher, we remember that each us contains reserves of resolve and compassion.  There are heroes all around us, all the time.

And so, in the wake of this tragedy, let us live up to their example — to make each day count — (applause) — to live with the sense of mutual regard — to live with that same compassion that they demonstrated in their final hours.  We are called by them to do everything we can to be worthy of the chance that we’ve been given to carry on.

I understand that at a memorial yesterday for Dean, his wife decided to play a recording of Dean whistling a song he loved — Amazing Grace.  The lyrics are a fitting tribute to what Joplin has been through.

Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
‘Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home… 

(Applause.)

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

May those we’ve lost know peace, and may Grace guide the people of Joplin home.  God bless you, and God bless the United States of America.  Thank you.

Barack Obama’s remarks on the Joplin tornado, Joplin, MO, 5/29/11

Lesh, Lesh, Legs

“Dad, I don’t wanna wear matching outfits.”

“Grahame, goddammit, it’s Father-Son Sunday.”

“I know, Dad. I love Father-Son Sunday.”

“Remember when we went fishing?”

“We’ve never been fishing, Dad.”

“You’re just jealous of my guns.”

“I’m not.”

“Feel ’em, boy.”

“I’m not going to–”

“FEEL DADDY’S GUNS, BOY!”

“Very impressive.”

“That’s the power of P90X. Your mother and I are nuts for it.”

“You keep telling me.”

“Grahame, lemme ask you something.”

“Here it comes.”

“When you giving me another grandbaby?”

“I don’t want to have this conversation again.”

“Your brother had Baby Levon. What do you have? A beard.”

“You said you liked my beard.”

“Oh, sure. Maybe I’ll take pictures of it and put them up on the fridge.”

“Dad, please.”

“I don’t care if you’re married or not. Make me a goddamned baby.”

“I’m not really seeing anyone right now.”

“Are you into fellows? You know you can tell me.”

“I’m straight, Dad.”

“I’ll buy you and your boyfriend a baby. Shit, I’ll pony up the extra for a white kid. I don’t care at this point. I want another grandchild.”

“Um, guys? Phil? Grahame? You’re, uh, live on the air.”

“Oh, shit, Gary. Didn’t see you there. We’re on the air?”

“Yeah, Phil.”

“What channel?”

“JamOn.”

“No one’s listening.”

Bringing Out The Living In Little Aleppo

“Will you, son of man, judge this bloody city?”

“Shit, I’d judge this place like motherfucking Judge Dredd. They better not give me a gavel. I believe–and I am not kidding, I believe this–that I might injure myself, I’d judge this fucking place so hard. I’d have to stretch first! And even then, even then, I might really tear myself up. I’d get into it. I might blow out my asshole.”

“Not your knees?”

“Fuck my knees. I’m worried about rectal integrity at this point. I get the power to judge some of these slack-nutted fuckwits? I’m laying down sentences like Shakespeare, and I’m putting my back into it. Puts a lotta stress on the body, and you know my theories about the asshole.”

Aiesha Mundi, whom everyone called Aye-Aye, knew his theories on the asshole, and there were many: the proper care thereof, appropriate cleaning techniques, appropriate cleansing techniques–Cordoba Martin differentiated between cleaning one’s asshole and cleansing one’s asshole–and, of course, the secret history of the asshole. The stuff they don’t teach in paramedic class. She also knew Cordoba’s theories on his balls, and his cock, and the Israeli/Palestinian problem, and agronomy, and interstellar telepathy, and the mysterious origins of backgammon, and what was going on with his sister and her jackass husband. He had spent a week last year developing an intricate idea about the future of nipples. If he weren’t funny, Aye-Aye would have stabbed him years ago.

She wasn’t sure what a knife would do to him, though. Possibly nothing, based on observation. Cordoba had been stuck with needles infected with everything from AIDS to zygomycosis; negative tests always. They would bring junkies back to life at the Hotel Synod with Naloxone and get a swinging, flailing, sweaty thank you made of fists and kicks; Aye-Aye saw him take numerous blows to the nose–hard and connecting whacks–and not even sneeze. He’d punch through windows and not get a scratch. Cordoba said there was a trick to it, and Aye-Aye thought that maybe he was telling the truth.

He drove the ambulance, which was a type 2, which means it was built on a van’s chassis instead of a pickup truck’s, so it was not a jutting hood and cab in front of a boxy back section, but a single carton of a vehicle with a sloped front that bore a scarred metal grill. Cordoba had theories about getting out of the way of ambulances, and all of them centered around his belief that you fucking well should. He had bumped Buicks, shoved Chevies, fucked up Fords; he smiled every time. One time, they returned to the garage at St. Agatha’s with the entire rear bumper of a Datsun 280z caught up in the cowcatcher. Cordoba had wanted to leave it there as a warning, but Aye-Aye turned him down on the grounds that it was unprofessional. The grill was black, and the ambulance was white with a two-tone horizontal stripe down either side, emerald and gold.

She did the paperwork. This was the trade-off of first response, of cops and firemen and paramedics: privilege for paperwork. Shatter windows, kick in doors, punch ne’er-do-wells, jam syringes of potent chemicals in strangers’ buttocks; this is all allowed as long as the proper forms are completed properly. In triplicate. In ink. Press hard. At first, they traded off the driving and paperwork, but Cordoba wouldn’t stop talking while he wrote and always ending up writing down the bullshit he was saying.

The cops got called on you. The fire departments was called for you. But Little Aleppo called the paramedics themselves. Heartburn and loneliness and self-amputated toes. Children who recognized the signs of a stroke in their parents. Adult children helping their mothers out of the showers they’d fallen in, trying to look away from their nude flesh. Anonymous renters in the Hotel Synod, and anonymous homeowners all the way on the Upside. Folks who just didn’t feel right. Others who had been physically wronged by their appliances. Sometimes real, real late, the phone would ring and the voice on the line would ask,

“Can you hold onto my gun for me? Just for tonight? It won’t shut up.”

And though the regulations said that they couldn’t, Aye-Aye and Cordoba did. She marked it down as “Shortness of Breath” and left business cards and phone numbers, put the weapon in a quart-sized plastic bag, wrote the owner’s name down with black marker. She put them in an unused locker in the garage. The guns would be claimed, or not.

St. Agatha’s was on the Downside. It was a trauma hospital, a gunshot hospital; it was a hospital you suddenly needed, not one you elected to go to. The dispatcher decides where the 911 call goes to. Crime to the cops, and fire to the firemen, and injury to the ambulance.

“They’ll automate this fucker.”

“The whole thing?”

“Sure. Inevitable,” Cordoba Martin said. “You know those claw machines in the arcade? You got a joystick and you try to pick up fucking teddy bears and whatever?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“That’s the first wave. Those machines? They learn. They’re using our hand-eye coordination against us, and that’s gonna be the end of human labor.”

“You’re an idiot. Those claw machines are fixed.”

“Fixed for death.”

It was noon and the Main Drag was snappish and short-tempered; lunch was necessary. The morning’s coffees had curdled in the neighborhood’s stomachs and pedestrians were peevish, and no one would yield to oncoming traffic even if it was an ambulance with its red-and-blue lights circling and wailing. Drunks were waking up sober and junkies were coming off their wake-up shot. The Poet Laureate was dead asleep in a messy apartment, dreaming of critical success.

And the Morning Tavern. Day for night in the Morning Tavern: some people liked to rock and roll all day and save their partying for the nighttime, and that was alright in the Morning Tavern. First beer served right before dawn, and Last Call rung out in the late afternoon. No credit, ever, and the walls fluttered with the Rejection: dishonorable discharges, and no-thank-you’s from publishing houses, and divorce papers. If you needed to start drinking early, then the Morning Tavern was for you.

There was a fat man on the bar’s floor. He had fallen from his stool. He was clutching his chest with one hand and holding the hand of a short woman in a tight black dress with the other. She had hair the color of Superman’s tights and was telling the man that everything would be okay when Aye-Aye ad Cordoba burst in with the stretcher. There was an oxygen tank laying on the white sheets of the mattress.

Aiesha Mundi, whom everyone called Aye-Aye, knelt next to the man and stuck two latex-covered fingers into the nape of his neck to hear his pulse, and she said,

“Can you hear me, sir? What’s your name?”

And the man wheezed,

“Seamus.”

“Okay, Seamus. Try to breathe. You’re not going to die today.”

Cordoba Martin jammed the oxygen mask on Seamus’ mouth and nose, and wrapped the springy cord attached to it around his skull.

Aye-Aye asked him,

“Your chest hurt?

Seamus nodded, and he looked around desperately for his mother or Jesus, but they were not there; just a short black woman and a tall white man, both in short-sleeves and blue latex gloves. Then he was on the stretcher and then he was in the ambulance with the Morning Tavern a forgotten landmark of the past behind him. Sudden illness concentrates the mind on the present; pain brings the moment into focus. You have ancestors and you have plans, but let your right ventricle skip a few beats in a row and you have nothing but right now.

Human beings live in their heads until their bodies don’t let them.

Cordoba put Seamus on the thin mattress and the gurney extended upwards with wheels under it; they took him outside from the darkness of the bar into the sun of the sidewalk and then into the ambulance head-first. Aye-Aye climbed in with him, and Cordoba closed the back doors and climbed behind the wheel. Flicked the lights and sirens back on and did a u-turn on Widow’s Way so he was driving east, and then he turned south on the Main Drag and nudged a Volvo out of his way at a red light. There was no separation between the front seats and the patient-space in the back and he could see what was happening in the rearview mirror.

“Shabbos–”

“Seamus,” Aye-Aye corrected.

“–you’re in good hands. This woman has never lost a patient. A bunch have died, but she always knew where they were. Hasn’t lost one.”

Seamus flopped his arm up to the oxygen mask and shifted it off his mouth. He asked,

“Does he think he’s helping?”

“He does,” Aye-Aye said, and put the mask back on him.

St. Agatha’s was three minutes away–four if Cordoba Martin had to shove a Chrysler onto the sidewalk–and Aiesha Mundi, whom everyone called Aye-Aye, started a line on the fat man lying on the stretcher. Someone needed help, so they went. Some people need more help than others, and paramedics are all socialists at heart: to each according to their need. You go when you’re called, and do the paperwork on the way, because that’s the job in Little Aleppo, which is a neighborhood in America.

Shelter From The Storm

America was hiding in plain sight on Route 77. The promises whizzed by, got chased by cops, jumped broken bridges, sped off as their theme music played and dust kicked up glorious and fine. Dreams came during sleep, but America did not sleep–could not, must not–not on Route 77, where armed tollbooths stood their ground and snarled traffic with warning shots of freedom. No stories, grand or otherwise. Look out the window: do you see Manifest Destiny anywhere? Maybe it’s to the left of the mountain. Keep looking and you’ll find it. There were no promises and no dreams and no stories on Route 77, and what was left was America.

Burger stands and graveyards. Cornfields and rivers and parades on summer mornings and massacres on summer nights. Monuments to dead teenagers paid for by wicked grown-ups. One-reelers and no-hitters. Strange trees bearing fruit. Basketball hoops made out of bottomless peach baskets, or with nets made from chain link. Blood and soil. Chinese restaurants. Right turns on red. Unmarked graves and theater balconies and plazas and island jails. Porches and torches and telegraph poles and back alleys and coffee shops and dairy farms and workhouses and tenements and pig shit and sock hops and potter’s fields and cannonballs and luncheonettes and winter and the desert and the plains and the prairie and the swamps and the forests and the hills and the mountains.

And Texas.

The Interstitial Highway System had an open relationship with Time: they were together, mostly, but also free to see other fundamental forces. It was love, but a gnarly kind that wound up doing damage to everyone involved and leaving fist-sized holes in the drywall of reality. Their friends were worried that, one day, Time would throw acid in the Interstitial’s face. It was a matter of lanes. Choose the right one: New York to Chicago in an hour, St. Louis to Miami in two. Precarious Lee had once made it from Boise to Philadelphia in four hours and ten minutes in a 1970 Plymouth Fury.

But it still took forever to get through Texas.

“Are we fucking still in Texas?”

“Yup.”

“How the fuck big is this state?”

“Texas is the size of fucking Texas.”

Precarious Lee and Romeo Rodriguez had caught each other up in a feedback loop of profanity. Precarious used to be a Soldier, and then he was a roadie; Romeo was a Marine and briefly a cop. These are four of the foulest-mouthed professions, and with no one in the car to temper their speech for, the men luxuriated in their cursing and jammed “fuck” into places it neither belonged nor desired to be.

O, fuck. O, fuck, you verb noun adjective adverb gerund and place-holder, FUCK! The most American of curse words, forbidden and adaptable; not allowed anywhere, but fitting in everywhere. O, fuck, you common currency of the common man, you working-class shibboleth, you bugaboo, you beeeeeep.

“Big fucking state.”

“Fuckin’ A.”

Texas wheeled by at 80 miles an hour out the windows of a 1974 Dodge Monaco. Hundred-gallon hats and rattlesnakes the size of creeks. An avalanche of cattle in the Christmas Mountains. Monuments chased down drugged-out rock stars to piss on them. Ranches the size of lesser (Eastern) states declared independence and immediately applied for foreign aid. City-states surrounded by light-years full of nothing but road and roadrunners and scrub. The desert slept, and the sky paid no mind at all to the road.

There had been a time when Romeo Rodriguez did not know that ghosts couldn’t kill themselves. It’s not a piece of information one needs for day-to-day living, really. One could quite easily make it throughout an entire lifetime without having need of that fact. It becomes important after death, though. On a long enough timeline, all ghosts will attempt suicide. Understandable. It breaks your heart to learn that life has no point, but finding out that the afterlife is also meaningless tends to shatter spirits. Romeo was a ghost cop, but ghost cops should have exciting destinies, and he had been a secondary character in a story with an ambiguous ending. Ghost guns don’t kill ghost cops, and neither do regular ones.

Stuck. The Salt Wharf and Boone’s Docks to the west, the Segovian Hills to the east. Walk north to the Upside and have your lunch in the Verdance, where everything grows, or wander south to the Downside and have a drink at the Wayside Inn, where anything goes. And that’s it. If you didn’t have to leave, you’d never want to; if you couldn’t, you’d never stop trying. Officer Romeo Rodriguez tried and tried. He tried the harbor and the pass, and cars and boats and once a helicopter. Stuck.

Ghosts are like cats; they belong to places.

But Route 77 went in between places and was therefore full of ghosts. Taking a break from the city, reviewing the hinterland, speeding along and speeding along. You could always tell a ghost driver on the Interstitial; they were the only ones doing the speed limit.

Romeo was not allowed to drive, and so the Dodge Monaco was doing 80 in the right lane. Overtaking hearses and mysterious vans. Other things.

“Was that a fucking stagecoach?”

“Yup.”

And then the weather came in. They could see it in the windshield, off a hundred miles, and right behind them in the rearview. Hail the size of insincere apologies PONKED on the roof of the Dodge, and there was so much rain that Noah would have stayed inside. Flash floods, and flasher floods that showed you their dicks, and it was black as filth outside and cool as terror; Romeo felt his window buckle out and a raindrop as big as a cheeseburger extinguished Precarious’ cigarette. The thunder was louder than any rock and roll band could dream of, or any army could manage: it was everywhere and everything and you heard the KRUH-DACK with your skin and lungs and the sound slapped the thoughts from your brain, all of them, the basic ones, the thunder was so loud that you forgot your name and shuddered like a bloody newborn.

The sign on the way into town said:

CASCABEL, TEXAS
POPULATION: NEGOTIABLE

They walked into the bar. Romeo did not need to, but it was reflex. Light above the door read MISS ROSA’S in shades of neon; it cost a ten to get in. Wooden floors and a long bar, and an inward-facing balcony upstairs. They had a lot of nice girls.

“What kind of place is this?”

“It’s indoors,” Precarious Lee said, and ordered two Arrow beers and two shots of Braddock’s whiskey from the ten-year-old boy behind the bar.

Romeo was self-conscious about being dead, and this did not seem the type of bar in which wearing his uniform and gunbelt was smart, but no one paid him much mind. Miss Rosa’s has all kind of customers. It was a “you don’t notice my drug deal, I won’t notice your non-corporeality” kind of place. He put his foot up on the brass rail, and Precarious lit a cigarette with his silver Zippo and set the pack and the lighter on the bar in front of him. An ashtray was already there; a black plastic cheapie, circular, and with divots carved from its lip.

Drinks came.

“To fucking America,” Romeo held up his shot glass.

“And Texas, too.”

CLINK, downed, backed with beer.

Outside, the storm banged and blew–gas stations were being thrown down streets like skipping stones–and the neutral drowned in their basements waiting out the weather. Death by hunkering. Not Miss Rosa’s.

Miss Rosa’s was built solid.

Card tables were in the back, big round ones that never emptied, and there was a stage in front of the dance floor. Lester Force and his Texas Millionaires were playing Western Swing music that went boom-CHAK boom-CHAK; Lester played a fiddle that he cradled in his elbow like a firstborn child, and he had a walnut pipe clenched in his teeth. Reeds and horns, and a lap steel guitarist that sang the high harmonies. Ten cents to dance with a nice girl. Quarter for a freaky one.

Outside was chaos and rain and death, and a seafood restaurant windmilled through the parking lot. Uprooted trees slung miles only to come to rest piercing elementary schools.

Precarious Lee nodded his head at the orphan bartender for two more shots, and there they were.

“Not much of a drinker,” Romeo said.

“Don’t be a pussy.”

They drank, and Precarious lit another cigarette.

“They say 8,000 died,” the bartender said.

“Yeah?” Precarious asked.

“The whole city gone. Ripped from the ground like a weed. Just debris and corpses left afterwards.”

Romeo Rodriguez was not lying: he did not drink much, and was light-headed and big-headed and warm-headed; his head was feeling strange. He watched the conversation and thought about asking Precarious for a cigarette.

“1900. Galveston and Houston are competing, right? Could’ve gone either way, but the weather was bad one day. One day! Change the course of everything and whatnot, one day. Weather’s a motherfucker. Almost like the sky pays us no mind.”

The orphan bartender was blond and slim and not yet five feet tall. He polished a pint glass with a rag because he saw it in a movie.

“Could be 12,000. No one will know, ever; they didn’t write it down. They took the bodies to the beach and burned them. A Viking funeral for a whole city, a city called Galveston in the year of the Lord 1900, and it will happen again. Anything that can happen, will. What’s that town where those fancy fuckers live?”

“Los Angeles,” Precarious said.

“It will disappear, too. Back into the sea; they’ll burn the bodies just like the old days.”

Miss Rosa’s shivered in the howling wind and went rickety in its foundations; but it held. The pavement ripped off the ground like string cheese, and car dealerships were sent flying, and the steadiest thing in the bar was your next drink. WHOMBLE WHOMBLE the whole building rattled and the lights stuttered, but the band played on.

“All of it,” the orphan bartender said. “Any of it. Taken away in one day. Not even a day: a morning. Nothing that man’s built can’t be flattened by the weather. One day. One instant and it’s all gone.”

He walked off a few paces, and turned back and said,

“We tremble before instance.”

Precarious raised his glass, and drank, and took a drag from his unfiltered Camel PHWOO and said to Romeo Rodriguez,

“You said you wanted to see America.”

“I wasn’t expecting this.”

“No one does.”

The fiddles led the band into Green Valley. The trumpet player sang; it was about a town where heartbreak could not find purchase. A place with a constant bearing towards happiness, a place where instance did not venture and plans could be seen through. Green Valley was full of intent and low on luck, which made it quite unlike Route 77, which is the road out of Little Aleppo, which is a neighborhood in America.

The Ice Cream Kid

What the hell is this?

“It is me reward f’r being a good lad, it is.”

You talking about the ice cream or the girl?

“That’s right.”

I heard you went to Lock’n.

“Pitiful. Simply pitiful. Who’s the great big oily tit?”

The one that plays guitar?

“‘E won’t stop playing guitar, more like it. I found the amount o’ soloing oppressive, and I knew Garcia. At least when ‘e was playing, ‘e wasn’t singing. Like a minstrel act.”

That’s a harsh accusation, Sam Cutler.

“You know I’ve seen actual blackface, right, me son? They did it in England up until the mid-80’s. Slade performed all blacked up f’r their first two records.”

I don’t know if that’s true.

“An’ than there were cover bands. Like down the pub. Playin’ the same kinda guitar as Garcia an’ all that clobber. I was physically ill, I was. Were I a river, I would’ve flowed from the area, but I am sadly not, and so I had to listen to the bollocks.”

You’re very judgemental.

“You know ‘oo I am, right?”

True.

“I was there, me son. Wherever ‘there’ was, I was present.”

You weren’t at Woodstock.

“Too true, because I was managing the Rolling Stones at the time.”

That is a very good excuse.

“Too true.”

Was there anything at Lock’n you liked?

“There is a queue of food trucks, and bugger me if each one isn’t tastier than the last.”

Good answer.

“I’m Sam Cutler.”

Who’s That Clown?

You found your sandals.

“I did, yeah. Turns out Red Metal Stool had stolen ’em to sell on Ebay.”

Oh, no.

“Terrible breach of trust.”

Sad what happens to people.

“Or stools.”

Them, too. What is all this?

“This is, uh, the Super VIP tent. People pay a little more and they get to hear Phil sing Bird Song in a tent.”

How much more?

Fuck, man. Two grand?

“Hey, if people wanna waste their money, I’ll take it.”

Good point. You gotta meet everybody?

“Nope. Say hi, play Samson too slow, and pick up the check.”

I should’ve been a rock star.

“There are worse gigs.”

What’s on your iPads?

“Gonna keep an eye on the fight.”

Who you got?

“Hagler in six.”

Good call.

The Gentlemen Compare Locks Of Hair

Hey, Phil. Rando?

“Obviously.”

He looks friendly.

“He actually smells friendly, too.”

What does friendly smell like?

“Stew simmering on a pot, maybe a little essence of vanilla.”

If you say so. Hey, you see Fogerty?

“I’ve been successfully avoiding John Fogerty since 1970. Got it down to a science by now. No one avoids John Fogerty like me.”

Not a fan?

“You ever hear him get interviewed?”

Yeah.

“Well, that’s when he’s on his best behavior. Just the most miserable son of a bitch you’ll ever meet. Only thing worse than him was that band of his.”

Creedence was bad?

“Imagine the Three Stooges, but malevolent. I think the bass player was only partly human. Looked like something that escaped from Dulce Base. Used to rub up on foreign cars. Unpleasant in every way.”

Run Through The Jungle’s still a pretty kick-ass tune.

“Whatever.”

You should dye your hair like his.

“Pass. I think he uses house paint.”

I’d think about it. You go chestnut, it could take five years off.

“So I’d only look 72? Fuck off.”

I love our give-and-take.

“No, seriously: fuck off.”

Okay.

« Older posts Newer posts »