Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

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Today: An Explainer

May 10, 2017 / / 2 Comments

What the fuck just happened?

It’s weird how often that question comes up lately.

Truly. Again: what happened?

Trump fired the director of the FBI, James Comey.

That fucking guy?

Bad penny, that one.

Can he do that?

Absolutely, positively, 100% yes, he can. FBI directors serve ten-year terms to keep them out of ordinary presidential politics, but they still serve at the pleasure of the president.

So, what’s the problem?

Everything else. Literally everything else.

For someone who claims to love the English language as much as you do, you’re being awfully cavalier with that “literally,” pal.

Comey is–well, was–overseeing an active and ongoing investigation that just tonight began the subpoena phase into the president’s collusion with a foreign nation; he was the only non-political appointee in the process. Comey was (is?) scheduled to testify in front of Congress tomorrow regarding Russian interference in the election. Attorney General Sessions–who, if you’ll remember, perjured himself in the Senate on the topic of Russia and therefore had to recuse himself from the investigation–was told to “find reasons” to fire him. These reasons were scribbled down in incoherent memos and letters today (you might think replacing the director of the FBI would be something you cogitate on for a bit, but not our Basketball Head) and every single reason is a load of shit. There is no replacement in the works. There was no coherent message from the administration; in fact, the first statement from the president was a tweet mocking Chuck Schumer.

…

That is literally everything; sorry I doubted you.

You really should trust me by now.

Just for shits and giggles, what excuse did Trump give?

Hillary Clinton’s e-mails.

No.

Comey’s handling of it, yeah.

I’m gonna go sit in the garage with the engine running.

I feel you.

If Comey’s behavior was so unacceptable last year, then why wouldn’t he have been removed earlier?

Excellent question.

What’s the answer?

There’s no answer. Trump is a lying, treasonous ballsack full of shit who’s desperately trying to head off the investigation into said lies and treason, and he wanted Comey gone. Sessions, who is a lying, treasonous white hood full of shit, came up with some for him and backdated the paper trail. Everything that comes out of the White House is a lie.

Isn’t this what Nixon did? The Saturday Night Massacre?

Yes and no. Nixon tried to fire the special prosecutor, a guy named Archibald Cox, but his AG and the Deputy AG refused and resigned in protest. Luckily, a young man named Robert Bork who was the Solicitor general was more than willing to do the job and fired Cox.

Bork? That fucking guy?

Bad penny, that one.

So, it’s not exactly the same.

Not the same technically, but identical in spirit.

What happened after Nixon did that?

He resigned nine months later.

Guess he didn’t really think that one through. Did Trump think this through?

…

I retract the question.

Thank you.

Possible James Comey Replacements

May 9, 2017 / / 4 Comments
  • That terrifying black sheriff in the cowboy hat who hates black people.
  • The ghost of Clyde Tolson.
  • Colonel Klink.
  • Officer Krupke.
  • Jared Kushner.
  • Cop uniform stuffed with pillows and a watermelon for a head.
  • ED-209.
  • Buford T. Justice.
  • The Lawnmower Man.
  • Hans Landa.
  • Anthony “Big Mooch” Scaramucci, head of security at Mar-A-Lago.
  • Hulk Hogan. (“Watcha gonna do, brother, when the 24-inch pythons of justice come for you?”)
  • Dolores Umbridge.
  • Seriously, I think Kushner could do it.

On “Nixonian”

May 9, 2017 / / 5 Comments

Nixon served his country in the Navy, and later in the Naval Reserves.
Trump dodged the draft.

Nixon was elected to the House of Representatives and the Senate, both times from his home state of California.
Trump has never held office, and his home state despises him.

Nixon was an accomplished and cunning lawyer.
Trump thinks he can “open up the libel laws.”

Nixon was the Vice-President of the United States; one time in Caracas, he was assaulted by a mob and his car stoned.
Trump didn’t go to the Press Correspondent’s Dinner because he can’t take jokes.

Nixon opened up China.
Trump picked a fight with Canada.

Nixon founded the EPA and OSHA, and signed the Clean Air Act.
Trump appointed a man who had sued the EPA 15 times to head it.

Nixon supported the Equal Rights Amendment and appointed more women to important positions than the “liberal” LBJ had.
Trump has two female cabinet secretaries: one of whom bought her job, and the other of whom is married to Mitch McConnell.

Nixon defeated George McGovern in the biggest electoral landslide in the nation’s history (at the time).
Trump lost the popular vote.

Nixon negotiated the Strategic Arms Limitations Treaty (SALT 1) and the Anti-Ballistic Missile treaty (ABM) with the Russians.
Trump let the Russians buy him underage hookers.

Nixon had a dog, Checkers, and he loved that little dog and he kept it.
Trump is incapable of love and has never had a pet.

Find a better adjective.

Next Step: Federal Holiday

May 9, 2017 / / 6 Comments

Sisyphus was a pussy: he didn’t have Cornell. Roll the fucker up the hill every year; you think you’re good and May comes around again, whistling innocently. Here I am, sailor. Let’s dance.

I have no more dances in me.

And then Cornell says DANCE, FUCKER and sticks all of its hydrodicks into you.

At least this year there’s the new box set to talk about, Get Shown The Light. (There’s one  set, with the books and pictures and essays, left at Amazon.) The full set is four shows–May 5th, 7th, 8th, and 9th, 1977–from the fabled and long-lost Betty Boards. Technically, they weren’t lost: they were in the shed of a chemistry teacher who wanted too much money. By the way, now that they’re safely back in the Vault where they belong and this can’t actually happen and I can’t be implicated: I am deeply saddened by Deadheads’ refusal to heist the tapes.

But if they were stolen, then they couldn’t be remastered and sold by the Dead.

HEIST!

Good argument.

Thank you. I’ve listened to the whole set and Jeffrey Norman, et al., have done their usual brilliant job: one of the draws of the Betty Board for Cornell has always been the huge, but specific, bass; Phil always sounded like he was 200 feet tall and mad at a mid-sized city. Once again, though,  the production team has improved what seemed unimprovable: the sound is massive and immersive, with air all around the instruments

(You can still buy the three-CD release that just has Cornell on it.)

Cornell’s the Best EVAR show that the Grateful Dead played because some show has to be, and why not it? It was more available than other shows back when the Dead existed on cassette tapes and traveled via the mail; it sounded better than most other contemporaneous recordings, causing people (perhaps unconsciously) to listen to it more; it was a more accessible chunk of music than, say, Veneta’s half-hour Dark Star freakout.

So call it number one.

And so a cottage industry has built up around the myth of Cornell: books, documentaries, walking tours. There’s even a section in the Cornell bookstore dedicated to merch commemorating the show. You can buy all sorts of things.

  • Baby onesie with “The DEW, brah” written on it.
  • Take A Step Back: the turn-based role-playing game.
  • Decorative collector’s spoons. (Sold in sets of two only. The first set is okay, but the second is really good.)
  • Betty Board ® surfboards.
  • Scarlet begonias. (Seasonal)
  • Fire on the Mountain hot sauce.
  • For thirty bucks, someone who was at the show will tell you stories.
  • Leroy Neiman prints of Billy in his underwear.
  • Snow globe with Barton Hall and tiny little students coming out of the show.
  • Because it was snowing when they came out of the show.
  • Did you ever hear that before?

Anyway, it’s Cornell Day. Go listen, or don’t. You do you.

May 8th

May 9, 2017 / / 3 Comments

The eighth day of May is the 128th day of the year, at least according to the Gregorian calendar. They have May 8th in China, but the Chinese would argue. This is the 2,017th iteration, probably. Neither the Romans nor the Greeks would have called it May 8th: the Romans would have called it “the day before nones, and the Greeks would have called it “that day we invented architecture.”

King Kamehameha I died on May 8th, back in 1819. He was the first ruler of the Kingdom of Hawaii. The Hawaiian archipelago is like any other place, and has the same history: bunch of warlords ruling little fiefdoms until one guy comes along and conquers everyone else and declares himself king. Kamehameha was basically Hawaii’s Arthur, but he actually existed. Maybe its Garibaldi, whatever. In 1789, two ships, the Fair American and the Eleanora showed up.  A disagreement turned into 100 Hawaiians dead on the beach from cannon fire, and Kamehameha learned his lesson. Everything you need to make gunpowder can be found in abundance on the islands, and rifles could be purchased. His kingdom, unified, remained unconquered for a hundred years until the fair Americans came back.

V-E Day is May 8th, Victory in Europe, and V-J Day would come soon after. Harry Truman’s birthday is also the 8th; that must have cheered him, even with a fat man and little boy perched on either shoulder. (Harry Truman made some tough decisions, and mostly he chose correctly: dropping the Bomb, desegregating the Armed Forces, firing MacArthur before that nutjob started World War III.) Millions poured into Trafalgar Square, and Times Square; people just went to squares. That’s how happy they were.

Speaking of presidents, Zachary Taylor won the battle of Palo Alto today. This was 1846, and the Mexicans were fighting the Americans. (The Americans are always fighting someone, aren’t they?) Palo Alto was a few miles outside of Brownsville, Texas, and doesn’t that sound like a fun place to spend the summer in 1846? Zach would later whompinate Santa Anna and become a national hero; the (semi) modern equivalent is Norman Swarzkopf. Except, as you’ll remember, Stormin’ Norman chose not to be a terrible chief executive who inflamed the secession debate by ignoring it and died.

Edward Gibbon and Don Rickles were born on the 8th; one of those men is much more amusing than the other. Two towering figures of design were born today: Saul Bass and Tom of Finland. Thomas Pynchon and also Peter Benchley; more people pretend to have read Pynchon, but everyone knows the story Benchley told about a shark and an island town called Amity.

Theodore Sturgeon and Robert Heinlein both died on May 8th. Maurice Sendak, too. Dana Plato and George Peppard, who were on teevee in the 80’s, and Nixon’s drinking buddy Bebe Rebozo. Oswald Spengler died on this date, and he is right there next to Pynchon on the list of authors that people pretend to have read.

May 8th is the celebration of the Feast of Arsenius the Great. He was an anchorite, which means he was bricked up into the wall of the church with a just a small opening for food and water and waste. Pointing out that a feast might not be the best way to remember him is a mortal sin. Arsenius had a sister named Afrositty, which is the best name ever.

“Hop in!”

“Why?”

“We’re going to Afrositty!”

“Groovy.”

Excuse me.

Yes?

It got strange.

It does that.

Did you have a point, or are you avoiding writing about Cornell?

The second thing.

At least you’re honest.

Only strategically.

Still.

If You Can’t Say Something Nice…

May 8, 2017 / / 0 Comments

  • Hitler was a snappy dresser.
  • Pol Pot’s name is so easy to spell.
  • Yes, 700 young men died in the USS Arizona, but remember that shot from Michael Bay’s Pearl Harbor?
  • Stalin’s hair was gorgeous.
  • Many people in the burn ward forge lasting friendships with their fellow patients.
  • The Diary of Anne Frank has earned its publisher millions of dollars over the years, spurring job creation.
  • The Reverend Jim Jones had a very diverse congregation.
  • Mobuto Sese Seko could wear the fuck out of a leopard-skin pillbox hat; most people–hell, most dictators–couldn’t pull that off.
  • Mao was prolific.

And we close once again with the Big H:

  • No Hitler, no Bill Graham: if the Nazis don’t exist, than Wulf Grajonca stays in Berlin and grows up to manage Can.

This is a fun game, New York Times. Can we not play it anymore?

Happy Birthday, Billy

May 8, 2017 / / 2 Comments

“Thoughts on my Ass! Look! I’m in a psychedelic butthole!”

Ew?

“I had a psychedelic butthole once. Went to visit Bear at Lompoc. Keistered in some shit for him, but I sat down too hard. Don’t remember much of the next month.”

What do you remember?

“Skank.”

Sure. Happy birthday, Billy.

“Thanks, man.”

Get any presents?

“Skank.”

Sure.

“I’m tough to shop for. It’s a ‘What do you get the guy who’s plowed everything?’ situation.”

How’d you spend it?

“With my family, of course. Real nice. Quiet dinner at home.”

That’s sweet.

“And later on, I got high and stole a firetruck.”

Not as sweet.

“Chicks dig firemen. Picked up this blonde with a black eye and a purse full of scratchers at the liquor store. Made her puke in the hat and wear it.”

Why?

“It was my birthday.”

That’s just weird.

“Hey, I’ve been banging forever, man. Gotta throw in something new every once in a while to get the juices flowing.”

That makes sense, actually.

“I cycle through fetishes. Every tour is a new thing. Quiz me. Name a tour and I’ll tell you what I was into.”

Okay, uh…The Dead in 2003.

“Orgies.”

Summer, ’92.

“Feet.”

Europe, ’81.

“Deaf chicks.”

Deaf chicks?

“You gotta hear the noises they make.”

Jesus, Billy.

“Mickey taped a bunch of ’em. But, you know, I was very respectful of Deaf culture.”

I’m sure.

“I learned how to sign ‘I’m transitioning to anal.'”

Nice of you.

“Of course, I was usually behind them when I signed it.”

Happy birthday, buddy.

“Here’s to 69 more!”

You’re 70.

“No, I meant–”

We got it.

A Partial Transcript Of Sally Yates’ Senate Testimony, 5/8/17

May 8, 2017 / / 1 Comment

“…and just once again for the record, Ms. Yates: what did you say, and to whom did you say it?”

“I informed the White House Counsel, Don McGahn, that General Flynn was possibly compromised by the Russians, and should not be employed by the president.”

“Thank you, Ms. Yates. I yield the floor to my distinguished colleague from across the aisle, Jefferson Davis Elephant.”

“Well, I say, well, I do indeed thank the gentleman from Massachusetts, an’ I wish all good things for all of his relations and compatriots. Miz Yates?”

“Good morning, Senator.”

“An’ a good mornin’ to you, little lady. I do have some questions I would appreciate if you’d answer for me, best that you could, okay?”

“I intend to, sir.”

“Oh, that’s jus’ wonderful. Let’s talk about Hillary Clinton.”

“Oh, good.”

“Now, I say, now we have reports that Miz Rodham-Clinton was printin’ out top-secret documents in a Kinko’s and givin’ ’em to her assistant, who has a downright peculiar name.”

“I have no knowledge of any of this, Senator.”

“Miz Yates, when informed Mr. McGahn about these here insinuations, what was the language you used?”

“Direct. Clear. I stated in no uncertain terms that General Flynn had been compromised.”

“Ah, well now, there’s your problem. Some people acquire information much better through the use of metaphor and analogy. Did you make any effort to ascertain Mr. McGahn’s learning style?”

“I did not.”

“Well, there you go. This ain’t lookin’ good for you, Miz. Yates. Hope you like prison.”

“This is not a trial, Senator.”

“Then why is there a gavel involved, ma’am? Checkmate.”

“I have no response to that.”

“Now I would like to discuss your egregious, malfeasant, abrogatory handling of Allfather Trump’s immigration order.”

“Allfather?”

“President. I said president.”

“You didn’t.”

“Fake news.”

“Wow, we almost got through this without that phrase poking its dick in.”

“The president issued a lawful order banning incoming migration from certain territories. You, ma’am, decided that you were more powerful than the President o’ the United States and refused to defend it. How dare you?”

“The order was not lawful, Senator. It had both statutory and constitutional problems, so defending it would have meant breaking my oath to uphold the Constitution.”

“And what are you basing your little opinion on?”

“The text of the order, and the administration’s statements regarding the order.”

“So, you’re just speculating?”

“No, sir. The order was a ban against Muslims. The administration called it, numerous times, a Muslim ban. That’s illegal.”

“What is illegal is not doing what the president says!.”

…

“No.”

“I’m pretty sure it is.”

“Nah.”

“It’s one o’ the Amendments.”

“It’s not.”

“Ma’am, we’re talking about Barack Obama here.”

“Are we?”

“Yes.”

“Okay. What about him?”

“All this hooey and bullpucky ’bout President Trump an’ the Russians. Russia this, Russia that. Well, well, well: how is it that Barack Hussein Obama met with Vladimir Putin six times–six times!–while he was president and nobody said boo?”

“Because that’s literally the president’s job?”

“You askin’ me or tellin’ me?”

“I don’t even know any more.”

“Why is Hillary Clinton not in jail?”

“I’m not in charge of–”

“Time’s up, you didn’t answer my last question, I win.”

…

“What just happened here?”

“Justice, ma’am.”

Old Times There Are Not Forgotten

May 8, 2017 / / 2 Comments

Hey, Racist Statue.

“How, I say, how dare you, suh!? You will address me as President Senatuh Jefferson Beauregard Davis.”

Your middle name was Finis.

“Seems like it should be Beauregard, though, dunnit?”

It does. You’re getting the axe, pal.

“A travesty is what it is. A cotton-pickin’ travesty.”

Don’t use the phrase “cotton-picking,” please.

“They all tryin’ to whitewash history.”

Or “whitewash.”

“I’m just callin’ a spade a spade.”

You’re doing it on purpose.

“How dare these carpetbaggers and abolitionists waltz in here and demand that we proud Southerners kowtow to them!? I tell you what, they treat us like slaves.”

I’m gonna stop talking to you if you keep doing it.

“Doin’ what, son?”

Uh-huh.

“My removal is a sin against history. To bring me down is to say that there was nevuh no war, and that I had no part in it.”

No, dude: your birthplace deserves a plaque. But you did commit a little bit of treason, so you don’t get a giant statue. Louisiana is an American state, and you went to war with America. Ho Chi Minh doesn’t get a statue. I think he has a plaque in Boston where he worked as a chef, but no giant statue where he’s standing there like a benevolent god. Plaque. You get a plaque. Silver, for second place.

“How dare you, suh? Pistols at dawn!”

Suck my balls right now.

“Jefferson Davis sucks no balls, suh!”

You suck all the balls, Jefferson Davis! Wait: you were the Senator from Mississippi.

“Yes, suh.”

So even if there were a statue of you, which there shouldn’t be, wouldn’t it be in Mississippi? Why are you in New Orleans?

“I died here.”

It’s gonna happen again, buddy.

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