“Good morning, everyone except John Rogers. This is the 68th day of Year Zero in America. I will begin by reading a statement that someone else prepared, and I’m not revealing who.
“Ahem.
“The Democrats are terrible, just terrible. They hate America! All they do is obstruct, but not build America. How many high-quality skating rinks has Chuck Schumer built? Where are Nancy Pelosi’s golf courses? Horrible face on Pelosi.
“For too long, regulations have killed jobs. Obama, who is in the next room with a glass up against the wall, wanted the country to be as lazy as he was, with all his vacations and basketball. I have seen videotape of Obama personally firing many coal miners. Many places have reported that he got a sexual charge from it. Real sick guy. Hillary liked to kill Marines, but Obama liked killing jobs.
“Today, the Greatest President Ever will sign a really, really, very great order slicing through all the red tape. Already, West Virginia has added 400,000 new jobs. It happened this morning, wonderful news.
“Ahem.
“Before we start, I want to say something. Our relationship, the one between the press and the White House, has gotten a bit contentious. Maybe we should both bring it back down, and see if we can start over. Maybe we can both work on bringing a little civility back to Washington.”
“Sean, I have a question.”
“FUCK YOU, CAROL! Right in your fat asshole, Carol.”
“Inappropriate, Sean.”
“What’s inappropriate is your lies about Russia.”
“I didn’t mention Russia.”
“You just said it.”
“Only because you did first.”
“Carol, I won’t play the blame game with you. There is no Russia.”
“Fine. The Washington Post is reporting that the White House tried to block former Deputy AG Sally Yates from meeting with the House Intelligence Committee. Any comment?”
“See, this is the agenda. These are the lies that you tell. 100% false, Carol. The White House encouraged Miss Yates to meet with the committee. We were all looking forward to her testimony.”
“Really?”
“I offered to give her a ride.”
“Okay, then why did the Department of Justice send her a letter saying that she couldn’t?”
“I have looked into that, and it turns out that the entire letter was a typo.”
“A typo?”
“Darn auto-correct. What the DoJ meant to say was ‘We’re all behind you, yay.’ But, you know, your finger slips and accidentally invokes Executive Privilege that doesn’t exist. Happens to everybody. We are all anticipating Miss Yates’ testimony.”
“The hearing was canceled.”
“Oh, noooo. How awful. That’s sad. Eamon?”
“Does the president still believe climate change is a hoax?”
“We’re focused on jobs. Amanda?”
“Why does the president keep tweeting about Hillary Clinton?”
“Jobs. Brian?”
“The president’s lawyers are claiming that he is immune from several sexual-harassment lawsuits. What’s your comment on that?”
“Jobs.”
“Jobs?”
“And it’s not Russia. April?”
“I have a question about Russia.”
“Wow! What is it with you people and Russia?”
“You people?”
“Oh, I didn’t mean black, April. I meant the press. All you people in the press telling lies, and obsessing about Russia, and eating fried chicken.”
“What now?”
“The press, April! Everything’s not about race. I’m talking about the press, always pushing agendas and rapping.”
“I’m just gonna ask my question.”
“The Trump Administration loves the blacks.”
“Please just let me ask my question. Congressman Nunes received classified information in the secure room here at the White House. Who was in the room with him?”
“Congressman Nunes has never been to the White House. We are not coordinating with Congressman Nunes. There is no Congressman Nunes.”
“What?”
“There is no Congressman Nunes. Your eyes are getting heavy. You are getting sleeeeeeepy.”
“Are you trying to hypnotize me?”
“Is it working?”
“No.”
“Then, no. April, Congressman Nunes has never been to the White House.”
“He’s right behind you.”
“I’m not falling for that old…Jesus, Devin.”
“Hi, Sean. I ate all the almonds in your office, so I came out to look for more and I saw cameras.”
“Go back inside, Devin.”
“Wow, look at all these cameras. Hi, everyone. I’m Congressman Devin Nunes, and I don’t know anything about Russia. If you have any questions, I’ll be happy to incriminate myself now.”
“GO IN THE OFFICE, DEVIN!”
“Jesus, rude.”
…
“Sean, would you like to explain that?”
“Explain what?”
“The Congressman’s appearance and statements.”
“What Congressman?”
“Sean, don’t.”
“Maybe time for new glasses, April. Congressmen, Russia: you keep seeing things that aren’t actually there.”
“It is your assertion that Devin Nunes was not just standing next to you?”
“It is.”
“Then why did the president just tweet out, and I quote, ‘Devin Nunes looking strong and confident next to Sweaty Sean. Maybe he should be my press secratary!'”
“Did he really?”
“Yeah. Wait. He has now deleted it and reposted the same tweet, but with ‘secretary’ spelled right.”
“That’s his process. Any more questions?”
“So many.”
“Great. That’s a wrap, folks.”
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