Okay, this is my new favorite thing.
Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To
Category: Uncategorized (Page 385 of 1031)
If I die before I wake,
I have some stuff that you can take
My books, please give them to a school
My money, give it to a fool
The gas mask: that goes to the pope
And I don’t care who smokes my dope
My art can go to Johnny Tesh
My liver is for Phillip Lesh
Save my eyeballs for the blind
If Dr. Lecter wants my mind
Then he can eat it with a fork
A dickless man can have my dork
And take my bed: it’s clean and made
My ceiling, too, so you’ll have shade
All that I have, possessions so various
Just please someone look in on Precarious.
What is racism?
The worst breakfast cereal in the world.
Stop that.
Racism is the belief in abstractions and the general rather than facts and the individual. It’s a system based on a lot of underlying assumptions that aren’t true.
Such as?
That there’s such a thing as a “race.”
You’re saying all humans are alike?
Of course not. Let’s start at the beginning. Homo Sapiens originated in Africa, correct?
Present-day Kenya.
Right. We hadn’t figured out how to make clothes yet, so we had to have evolved someplace warm. We start in Kenya and then the first wave of emigration goes north to Europe.
They became the Neanderthals.
Also right. Then 100,000 years later, a second wave of migration went out from Africa. These folks–genetically identical to us, able to procreate with a modern-day human–went into Europe and either ate the Neanderthals or fucked them to death. This second wave spread all over the globe: to Asia, India, the Pacific, South America, and across the Bering land bridge into North America.
A succinct telling of a long story.
And then when everyone got to where they were getting to, they just kinda stayed there for several dozen thousand years. This led to breeding groups, also known as ethnicities.
Ethnicity is different from race?
Yes, ethnic groups actually exist. The human beings that evolved in Australia are genetically different from the ones that evolved in North Africa.
How different?
Little tiny bit. They look slightly dissimilar and may exhibit conflicting responses to lactose. Otherwise? Mostly the same size, mostly the same shape, able to procreate with ease.
With ease?
If there’s one thing humans are good at, it’s making babies with strangers.
Sure.
Compare people to dogs: say, a Pomeranian and an Irish Wolfhound. We’ve got a hell of a lot less genetic diversity, and remember that we’re just talking about the measurable stuff here. Racism is based in the nebulous.
What do you mean?
The racist believes not just that there are races of human, but also that each race has an unalterable capacity for such nebulous concepts as “intelligence” and “civilization” and “propensity for violence,” and therefore the best race should be in charge.
Which race is that?
Guess.
White?
Generally.
White people are not the only racists.
Oh, no. Asians are racist as shit.
So why are we only talking about white people?
I see no point in talking about anything other than America.
You make an excellent point.
I know. God bless us.
And the Allfather.
Strong is he.
So strong. But: can’t black people be racist?
They can be bigoted.
What’s the difference?
Bigoted is the finger you get from another driver, racist is the cops pulling you over. Racism is the philosophy the majority employs to rationalize its actions towards the minority. “They are lesser, you see” racism says, “so we had to treat them that way for their own good.”
That was the past, though.
No.
The past wasn’t racist?
Oh, God, no. The past was the most racist place on Earth.
I’m talking about the present.
The present is definitely, demonstrably, demarcably less racist than the past.
So, we’re past all that?
Under no circumstances. In fact, racism is making a big comeback. Racism is the new black.
I’m pretty sure that’s offensive.
Me, too. But, yeah: this is not your father’s racism. For example, there are now what’s called “racial realists.”
What’s that mean?
Racist assholes.
Oh.
And there’s “Identitarians.”
Ooh. What’s that?
Racist assholes. Also, there’s Nationalists and the Alt-Right and Defenders of Western Civilization and Neoreactionaries.
What are those?
Racist assholes. They’re all just racist assholes, but they like to squabble with each other, so they form their little groups and misinterpret evolutionary psychology at one another.
But the general public isn’t racist any more. We had a black president!
And look who followed him.
Well, I’m going to need some sources if you’re going to call Donald Trump a racist.
He hasn’t run up and down Broadway screaming “nigger,” if that’s what you’re asking for.
Then how do you know he’s a racist?
He hired Jeff Sessions.
I’ll give you that. So: what is racism?
The last refuge of the chinless.
I’ll give you that, too.
Why are you the way you are?
I have no idea what you might mean.
It’s 3:16 am, and you’re paging through scans of 70’s rock magazines and listening to KISS.
If it makes you feel better, I am ashamed of myself.
It doesn’t. Why aren’t you writing a Little Aleppo story?
Because they take a couple days to write, and I don’t want to start one because I’m most likely going to die on the table Wednesday morning.
It’s an endoscopy.
I’LL SEE YOU SOON, DAD!
Stop that.
Death is certain.
Eventually, sure. Not Wednesday.
You promise?
I really do.
Still not starting anything. That’s bad luck.
I actually agree with that.
I thought you said I wasn’t going to die.
One out of 100,000 die under general anesthesia, and they’re usually old and sick. Far more dangerous to drive to the hospital.
But?
Never set God up for a joke.
This was my point the entire time.
Life is not a David Mamet play, Enthusiasts. You can tell by how arrhythmic the dialogue is. Things are mostly as they appear; people are generally who they seem. It looks like a cabal of Nationalists bent on alienating the world while wiping their asses with the Constitution led by a 12-year-old wearing an orange fat suit because that is what is happening: these fuckers are trying to privatize and/or destroy all government services so…well, there’s the part I can’t figure. The privatizing I understand: Trump and his buddies are greedy pigs who would shit in their own grandmother’s mouth to distract her while they rummaged through her purse. Alienating the world and destroying services…well, I’d say that endgame there is “the race war” if people wouldn’t accuse me of being melodramatic.
But–and this is the good news–they also look incompetent because they are. The Trump Administration is not playing the long con: they do not know what they’re doing. Imagine a monkey. Not even an ape, one of the little screeching fuckers with the long tails, and take that monkey to a high school and ask him to teach algebra. Back in the jungle, that monkey was in his element–great monkey, the best monkey, the most beautiful monkey–but now the monkey will not prosper, because he does not know the transitive property and will probably bite a couple kids.
They want to do such terrible things, and they’re so terrible at it.
(To continue the school metaphor because it amuses me: if the Trump White House became the administration of a high school, then–obviously–they would immediately begin planning to sell all the students into sexual slavery. Luckily for the students, Principal Trump would spend all day yelling offensive bullshit into the PA system (“I need the chemistry teacher with the giant cha-chas to come my office.”) and then get involved in decades-old intra-and-inter department battles; this would cause a strike. Also, the student newspaper would find out about the slavery deal, plus the cops would catch Bannon buying vodka for sophomore girls. They’d also maybe burn the goddamned school down, too. It is impossible to overstate how shit these jackals are at governing.)
So, here’s some terrible news from today, and the reason why the Monster Squad has already fucked it up:
Taxes – Oh, no!
As you know (if you only consume right-wing media), Turnip won big in the healthcare fight; from here, it’s on to a complete revision of the tax code that will slice rates for the rich, and for corporations. It might even include something the GOP is now calling a “border adjustment tax.” Who can guess what that used to be called? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?
Taxes – Oh, for fuck’s sake.
Since back here in Reality World the GOP took the worst kind of dick* on the healthcare bill, they no longer have the ability to pass the bill they want. They were counting on a trillion dollars in wiggle room that Obamacare’s repeal would free up, which is no longer there; this means they’d need to make their reforms debt-neutral to get through the Senate because of procedural rules OR get some Democrats to go in with them, and that isn’t happening.
Jared Kushner – Oh, no!
Look at this bullshit:
Did you see that bullshit? Sounds scary. Secretive group of unelected billionaires looking to use the Oval Office to imprint their philosophy upon history’s page. OOOOOOoooooooh. Scary.
Jared Kushner – Oh, for fuck’s sake.
You’re gonna laugh.
Did you laugh? I did. Jared Kushner is a little snot with a rich crook for a father–Ivanka married him for his money, not the other way around–and he’s got less blood than a normal human, and a double-eyelid called a nictitating membrane. He flickers them at people in meetings. Jared’s not particularly bright, but he chose the right mother and wife and so now he is going to save the world with the help of several tech bros and a couple guys from Goldman Sachs.
You wanna laugh again?
LEAD ADVISOR. So, you know: the VA, universal broadband, the entire computer system of the United States government aaaaaaaand the Middle East.
We need to pause here and delve into motive and intent, Enthusiasts. Let us state our assumptions first:
A) This is a herculean amount of work, and no human being could possibly succeed at everything; in fact, trying to perform all these tasks would most likely lead to poor performance at all these tasks.
B) These topics each contain an alexandrian amount of information, libraries’ worth, and mastering just one of them would require years of intense study and practice.
C) Any mildly intelligent person would understand A and B intuitively.
D) Jared Kushner is a mildly intelligent person.
And now we can ask our question. Is Jared Kushner: fucking around, not realize how mildly intelligent he is and think he’s capable of all of this, or does he think he’s getting away with something? My vote is C “thinks he’s getting away with something” partially because–like his father-in-law–he’s been getting away with it all his life, but also because he’s testifying in front of a Senate committee next on Thursday because he lied about a meeting he had with that pesky Russian ambassador who I simply cannot believe hasn’t been murdered yet.
The worst thing that ever happened to Little Jared was his father going to jail; if they have anything on him, he’ll turn on his daddy.
Devin Nunes – Oh, no!
There’s no “oh, no” with this guy, it’s all “oh, for fuck’s sake.” Remember when I told you (with no evidence) that when he disappeared the other day, only to emerge with top-secret documents that didn’t back up Turnip’s story but touted as if they did, that he got them from the White House? Yeah: he got them from the White House. The pinhead literally jumped out of a car at a light to go the White House. There were three other people in the car, and he thought no one would notice. Devin thought he was in a spy movie. And then he went to the White House, where they keep records of who comes in and out. You’re not just allowed to walk through the front door even if you’re invited: someone has to come get you, and they write down their name, too.
Devin Nunes is going to jail. I will take any bets that are offered. TotD makes no other predictions, but that man is too stupid to remain free.
This has been the 67th day of our national nightmare; may we wake soon.
*The worst kind of dick to take is surprise dick, followed closely by dry.
Thought I told you to put that nub away.
“Uh-huh. You still here, man?”
I got nowhere to go.
“It’s obvious.”
Explain everything about this.
“I won’t respond to generalities.”
Why a park, why a doll, why are your jeans so dirty?
“Photographer talked me into it, photographer gave it to me, fuck off.”
Hey, I’m not the one hanging around playgrounds with bait.
“The doll’s not bait, man.”
We got lists for your type nowadays.
“That’s why I don’t go then.”
Sure.
“You should think about the past.”
I do. Too much.
“No, I mean coming here. Unbelievable the amount of crap they let slide. This present is much more loosely organized than yours. Look at this shit, man.”
What the fuck.
“Right? The 70’s were a free-for-all. I’m in the Dead, man: we were surrounded by hordes of naked children everywhere we went, and even I know that ain’t cool.”
I’m too scared to even imagine the thought process behind this.
“You really wanna confuse yourself, try figuring out why ‘food’ is in quotes.”
Make this stop. The past was terrible.
“Nah, man. Stone gas. You could do whatever you wanted. Look at this:”
Is that Watkins?
“Yup.”
Is that an open fire in the middle of a crowd?
“Uh-huh.”
How the fuck did any of you survive?
“Lot of us didn’t.”
Sure.
This isn’t another dopey 5/8/77 joke. Look:
Wait: maybe this is Billy Kreutzman, Billy Kreutzmann’s evil fraternal twin.
CELL PHONE NOISE
Yello?
“Mr. on the Dead? This is medicine calling.”
Didn’t I talk to you last year?
“I do not know. The doctor stopped keeping records after the last lawsuit.”
What?
“Lawyers and doctors, Mr. on the Dead. They are like draculas and werewolfs. Always fussing and feuding.”
Okay, whatever.
“I am calling to inform you about what you need to for your procedure. Isn’t that a nice word, ‘procedure?'”
I guess.
“It hides all the mistakes. It’s like saying ‘collateral damage’ when you really mean ‘we set a wedding on fire by accident.'”
It’s really not a big deal. Just a tube down my throat.
“Gooses have tubes down their throat, too, and then they are turned into appetizers for rich people. So many things can go wrong!”
You’re not inspiring confidence.
“Do you have a living will?”
Excuse me?
“We had four living Wills last week, but then the doctor relapsed and we only had two living Wills.”
Please be professional.
“What kind of name is ‘on the Dead?’ Is that Sardinian?”
I am not from Sardinia.
“Malta?”
No.
“Yalta?”
If you must know, I’m Jewish.
“Oh, good.”
Why is that good?
“The doctor is very racist.”
That’s terrible.
“Not towards you, though.”
Still.
“Mostly Puerto Ricans. I see them coming in here and I scream at them with my eyes. ‘YOU GONNA DIE!’ They never take my hint. Are you allergic to penicillin?”
No.
“Latex?”
No.
“Dogs?”
Why would that matter?
“The doctor requires a therapy dog for his performance-related anxiety. He gets so nervous!”
The doctor or the dog?’
“Both! The dog has a therapy cat.”
I’m not allergic to anything.
“What social media would you like your procedure to be streamed on?”
None.
“None is not a choice, Mr. on the Dead. Facebook, Periscope, or Snapchat. If your answer is Snapchat, then I will need to know your preferred filter.”
You may not livestream my procedure.
“How is your credit?”
Why?
“The doctor likes to steal his patients’ identities.”
What?
“Sir, you know that you are in South Florida. Everyone here is an identity thief.”
I’m not.
“Well, you should get with the program.”
Ma’am.
“Just remind me: which kidney is being taken out?”
None! Neither! No one should be anywhere near my kidneys.
“I’m sorry. Let me rephrase that: if you had to have a kidney taken out, which one would it be?”
Again: neither.
“Would you like to be shaved by a nurse, or can you clean up your own nethers?’
Nothing about this requires shaving of any sort.
“Would you like to have your KISS makeup applied by a nurse, or can you do it yourself?”
I can do it myself.
“Thank you for finally being cooperative. Have you eaten in the past month?”
Yes.
“Oh, you might die.”
Jesus.
“Exactly. You should be talking to Him. Why would you eat?”
I was hungry.
“You should control your base emotions, Mr. on the Dead. You are like an animal. Maybe you should go to a veterinarian.”
Obamacare doesn’t cover it.
“Starting at midnight before the procedure, you can only have primary colored beverages.”
Huh?
“Orange juice, V8, windshield wiper fluid.”
What about water?
“People drown in it!”
I meant: can I drink it?
“I do not understand why you would. That is where sharks make their love.”
I have a Brita filter.
“Do not lord your wealth over me, sir.”
I am not wealthy.
“No, you blew all your money on your fancy water filtration system. You do understand that you will be under general anesthetic?”
Yes.
“Please do not bring anything back with you from the Dark Dimensions.”
I’ll try not to.
“Are you a furry, sir?”
No.
“Do not be showing up here in a mascot costume and a hard-on.”
I won’t.
“One last question.”
Oh, thank God.
“The doctor would like to know who you voted for.”
…
…
…
I voted for whomever the doctor voted for.
“That is so odd. Everyone says that, but yet Jill Stein received so few votes.”
It’s a mystery.
“Okay, Mr. on the Dead. We will see you soon, and then you’ll be right back on your feet. Or you will die on the table and someone else will be on your feet.”
I’m hanging up.
“Have a blessed day.”
You, too.
Mr. President?
“Hello.”
Uh, hi. What are you doing, sir?
“It’s called business. When you don’t have any lines, you just fiddle with something.”
No, sir. I meant: what are you doing here?
…
“I don’t recall.”
Sure.
“It’s 1988 in this picture. I go in and out. Now, tell ol’ Dutch what’s going on out there.”
What’s the last thing you remember?
“Refusing to make any more movies with that damned monkey.”
Wow.
“I marched right into Jack Warner’s office, waited for him to finish getting serviced by a starlet, and I told him flat-out. Incidentally, I met Nancy that day. I remember becoming a Republican.”
Right. You used to be a Democrat. What happened?
“Hippies.”
You hated hippies.
“Terrible children. Foul little monsters. Did you know I was a war hero?”
You were in the propaganda service. You made movies for the Army.
“No, no. Hero. Now tell your president what’s happening.”
I literally do not know how to explain it to you.
“Do it for the Gipper.”
I can’t, sir.
“Young man, I defeated the Soviet Empire for you.”
Yeaaaah, here’s the thing about that: they’re back.
“If you’re lying to me, I’ll have George Schultz suplex you.”
Not lying.
“He wrestled at Princeton. Tough guy.”
I believe you, sir. The Russians made a comeback.
“Like Judy Garland?’
Kinda.
“That damned Communism!”
They’re not really Commies anymore.
“Well, what are they?”
Sort of went back to having a czar.
“Still got the red flag?”
Nah.
“That’s too bad. Between you and me, I liked the flag. Only good thing about the whole situation. ‘Trust, but verify.’ You’ve heard that, right?”
Yes, sir.
“Is that rule still being followed?”
No. The opposite.
“What the hell is going on? Who’s in the White House?”
I don’t want to tell you.
“Now!”
Donald Trump.
…
“The real estate asshole?
Yes.
“Why would you do that?”
I didn’t.
“Why would anyone do that? Explain your present to the Gipper.”
I keep telling you: I CANNOT.
“Don’t yell at the Gipper.”
I’m sorry, Mr. President. I hate to be the one to tell you this. Although, in many ways, you planted the seeds for this.
“Oh, no. I’m a war hero.”
Yes, sir.
Excuse me.
Hey, get out of here. I’m talking to President Reagan. He’s awesome.
He is not.
No, not according to the record or the facts, but I was too young to understand anything about politics when Reagan was in office; I just knew that he looked like my Grandpa Jack, and he had a shiny black pompadour, and he was gonna fight the Russians for us, and my dad loved him. Plus his NAME WAS RONNIE RAY-GUN. The man was everything a six-year-old could want in a president. I know now that his policies were shitty and destructive, but at the time they would run pictures of him on a horse and I thought the leader of our country was a cowboy. Can’t help it: I’m just fond of the man.
Son of a bitch did look good on that horse.
Can you picture Trump on a horse?
…
Now I can’t not picture it.
In a red cowboy hat with Make America Great Again on the front.
What’s the horse’s name?
Cash.
Sure.
Can I get back to President Reagan, please?
Sure.
Great. Mr. President?
“Mommy?”
No, sir.
“Barry Goldwater?”
Also no.
“You are Jewish, though.”
Yes, sir.
“Supper?”
Are you done for the day, sir?
“Mommy?”
You’re done for the day.
Is Sean Hannity bad for America?
Yes. This has been: Is Sean Hannity–
Stop that.
What? It’s an easily-answered question.
Why is he bad for America?
Because he was bad for America when he was Father Coughlin, and he was bad for America when he was Lonesome Rhodes, and he’s bad for America now. Sean Hannity is an agent for the president pretending to be a member of the media. He’s a charismatic acting in bad faith, which is simply the worst combination.
He looks like a bowling pin about to tell a racist joke.
True.
Still haven’t answered the question.
I have. He’s a demagogue that traffics in bullshit. He pretends to be a newsman while pushing the party agenda. He encourages conspiratorial thinking and other, less savory, beliefs. Like him or not, he’s influential and popular and does nothing but lie. How can that be good for America?
But Hillary gave all our uranium to Russia.
What?
Sorry. Got a little too into the “defending Hannity” persona.
Do not walk that path, my son.
Ah, but Hannity is not a reporter. He’s a commentator. Fox News has always been very clear about the Chinese Wall between their journalism and opinion shows.
The Chinese Wall is between the reporters and the business side, not between reporters and “opinion,” whatever the fuck that means. Besides, columnists and op-ed writers aren’t allowed to just make shit up. And don’t even give me that nonsense: he “breaks news” all the time, and touts exclusives. No one believes Fox News’ stories.
CNN and MSNBC are exactly the same.
They are exactly not. I mean: they’re both boring pablum that are also kinda bad for America (but in entirely different ways than Fox is), and I wish someone would take Wolf Blitzer to the studio upstate where they take all the old news anchors, and I would never watch either except for during a terrorist attack, but they’re not the same as Fox.
They have a leftist bias.
The giant corporations that own them?
No, they have a globalist agenda. The reporters are leftists.
Jake Tapper’s a Commie?
Probably. He says that the president lies constantly.
The president lies constantly.
No, wait, I put the words in the wrong order. He constantly says the president lies.
No matter where you place “constantly,” the sentence is still true. We’re digressing: the problem of CNN and MSNBC is that they’re addicted to chaos and drama and obsessed with a false notion of balance. The problem of Fox is that they carry water for the Republican Party, and Hannity specifically for Trump.
I’m going to need a citation on that.
Oh, fuck off back to Reddit, Johnny Debate Club. We’re grown-ups here. Fox News is full of shit and everyone knows it. Roger Ailes is who Steve Bannon wishes he could be.
Ailes isn’t there any more.
Still his baby, though: paranoia masquerading as patriotism, with a soupçon of racism.
So, Sean Hannity is bad for America and so if Fox. I suppose you want them off the air, you Nazi Communist.
You can’t be both of those things.
You can.
Okay. Yeah, sure: I want that shit off the air.
That’s literally censorship.
It is not. I want people to stop watching it; I don’t want the government to do anything.
Oh.
God help us all, it’s a free country and bullshit ain’t illegal yet.
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