Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

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An Exclusive Interview With Acne Studios

February 8, 2017 / / 2 Comments

Latest in the ever-increasing pool of fashion houses hopping on the Grateful Dead bandwagon is Acne Studios from Stockholm. TotD is happy to to be speaking with the two Stockholm-based owners. Hello, gentlemen. What are your names?

“I’m Bjorn.”

“And I’m Bjorg.”

Great. How did you decide to integrate the Dead’s iconography into your clothing?

“Well, first let us make clear that we hate the Grateful Dead.”

“Oh, yes. Terrible, terrible music.”

“And the people who listen to them.”

“Terrible, terrible people.”

What kind of music do you two listen to?

“Albanian folk-ska. You’ve never heard of it.”

“Apartment music.”

Apartment music?

“House music for midgets. You’ve never heard of it.”

Sure. But back to the question.

“We saw Keith Ablow’s latest line, which was shoddy filth.”

“Abysmal.”

“Insipid.”

“So we stole it.”

Uh-huh.

“It sold very well.”

“The ugly Kardashian wore one of the pieces.”

I think I’ve seen those pants before.

“We sold a pair to Bob Weir.”

“We told him they were a voluminous short.”

“Even though we despise the Grateful Dead.”

“We do need to make clear our hatred for, and condescension towards, the Grateful Dead.”

You’ve made it crystal clear. So, what exactly is this? Explain what “street fashion” is for the Enthusiasts who have been wearing the same pair of jeans since the first Bush administration.

“Street fashion is the style of the avenues, it is the look of the city.”

“Certain parts of the city.”

“Right, yes: the part where young people whose parents bought them an apartment live.”

“And John Mayer’s house.”

You know John?

“He knows us.”

“He is a valued client, but we still hate the Grateful Dead.”

“Hate them so much.”

“So much.”

Great. And how much is the sweatshirt?

“$480.”

How much? Jesus. Are there four hundred-dollar bills in the pocket?

“Don’t be such a poor person.”

“Our clothes are not for poor people.

“And it does not come in any sizes larger than Medium.”

“Our clothes are also not for fat people.”

Sure. I wish I could say I’ve enjoyed this. What’s next for Acne Studios?

“We’re really into microdosing.”

Shocker.

 

(Heads up on this came from FoTotD and award-winning author Chris Jennings, whose book Paradise Now does not cost $480.)

Movin’ On Up

February 8, 2017 / / 1 Comment

Enthusiasts, I have some bad news: I must leave you now for greener pastures, places where the sun touches you gently on your heinie and whispers, “Have you been working out?” An important job befitting my talents and ego and salary demands, a most stately sinecure for a deserving man.

I will be the next Head of Digitization for the Internet Archive.

Now, the Internet Archive doesn’t know this yet, but I feel by the time they’ve read this post, which will double as my resume, that they’ll agree: TotD is the only person to fill this position.

Location: Location: San Francisco, CA, remote possible.

Job Classification: : Full-time, Exempt

Senior management position to manage and expand our digitization of millions of books, audio records, films and videotapes to build one of the world’s largest digital libraries.

Reporting to the Digital Librarian, the Head of Digitization will have overall strategic and operational responsibility for Internet Archive’s 70+ digitization staff in 8 countries, programs, expansion, and execution of the group’s mission.

This requires managing people, setting up facilities, creating production processes, and working through process improvements.

These are the broad strokes, Enthusiasts, and I’m sure you can already see how perfect I am for this job. As anyone who has e-mailed me knows, I am very remote; plus, I am exempt. From what? Surely something. Perhaps many things.

I also have experience dealing with Digital Librarians, as my relationship with the Wall of Sound proves.

Can I manage people?  Yes, I can manage the fuck out of people.

Can I set up facilities? To a certain extent: an international airport is a facility, and I could not set that up. But if you’re talking about folding chairs and a router, then I could do that easily.

Can I create a production process? Why not, yeah.

Can I work through process improvements? How loud are they? If they are very loud, then I will have trouble working through them. Or if they’re naked; that would be distracting.

Here’s how much I’d like this job, Internet Archive: I won’t even point out your inconsistent use of the Oxford Comma.

RESPONSIBILITIES

  • Triple production rates and expand media types efficiently digitized

I think I know what this means, but I know I could do it. Y’know what? I’m going to quadruple production rates. First quarter.

  • Build production processes and manage to them

I’m gonna get the best productions processes. No one’s gonna have better production processes than me. The best, you’ll see.

  • Identify and resolve bottlenecks within the workflow that hinders quality, partner satisfaction, and efficiency.

Bottleneck, bottle cap, whatever: you show me any part of a bottle, and I’ll be like, “That’s a bottle.” NO ONE identifies bottles like me. (Honestly, though? Little fuzzy on cans. Sometimes, I’ll see a can and be like, “What the fuck is that shit? I know it’s not a bottle, but what is it?”

  • Develop new and interesting partnerships

There are several apps on my phone dedicated to this responsibility; if you lend me two hundred in cash, I could have some seriously interesting partners in the office within an hour.

QUALIFICATIONS

  • Engineering degree with at least 5 years of senior management experience.

I received my B.S. in Calculator Science from Harper College and did my Master’s as Miskatonic where my thesis was in Ferroheuristics. Concurrently, I volunteered at an old-age home where I managed many seniors.

  • Desire to travel

There is nowhere I will not go to advance the cause of the Internet Archive, unless it doesn’t have a Four Seasons or it’s cold. I am legally enjoined from traveling to Ohio or the Philippines. (Both the bans happened within the same trip; funny story.)

  • Worked internationally in setting up and operating factories

I have set up dozens of factories, but all of them were in Canada. You wouldn’t know them. I would also be amenable to setting up a sweatshop for the Internet Archive, but we can’t do it in the Philippines. (It really is a great story.)

  • Unrelenting commitment to quality and efficiency

If there are two words that can describe me, they are quality and efficiency.

In summation: Internet Archive, you have a new Lord High Digitizer, the Scythe of the North. I require ten weeks off a quarter, $250,000 a year, a company car (Audi or better), and a secretary named Jenkins. I also need you to change the job title to “Lord High Digitizer, the Scythe of the North.”

I thank you for your attention, and await your reply.

People Will See Him And Cry

February 8, 2017 / / 6 Comments

“SKAAAAAAAANK!”

Hey, BIlly.

“SKANK! SkankskankskankSKANK!”

What are you doing?

“I sing the body electric. And the boner erected.

Please don’t sing Fame.

“Why not? SKANK! I’m gonna plo-ow forever!”

Billy.

“Skank, it’ll see me and cry.”

Billy.

“Remember, remember, remember: SKANK!”

I can’t imagine why the Dead never let you sing.

“Garcia was intimidated by my voice.”

Not true.

“Pipes of an angel, pipe of a drummer. Recorded Nessun Dorma with the Cleveland Philharmonic in ’92.”

No you most certainly did not.

“The reviews called me transcendent, but I don’t do it for the reviews. I do it for the fans. Plus, the Cleveland Phil’s entire flute section is female, and I always wanted to bang an entire section of something.”

None of this happened.

“Those classical musician broads? Hoo boy. They spend their whole lives all by themselves in these little tiny practice rooms, so the second they get their hands on dong? Hog wild.”

Right. But now–

“Hog. Wild.”

–you’re at Sundance.

“I was at Sundance two weeks ago. I’ve already been to Mexico and back.”

You know as well as everyone else that this universe has an impressionistic timeline.

“Whatever. Hate this weather, man. I’m an island boy.”

Utah is cold in the winter.

“Everybody’s wearing big puffy coats! Can’t see a titty. Not one single titty!”

I understand your frustration.

“But I never knew about film festivals, man. There are some seriously insecure women here. Directors of short films. Chicks in their late-30’s with podcasts. Dakota Fanning.”

Stay away from Dakota Fanning.

“Yeah, she’s too young for me. I wouldn’t touch her.”

Good.

“I showed it to her.”

Jesus, Billy. Who’s that guy behind you?

“Never seen him before.”

Young(ish) Love (Kinda)

February 7, 2017 / / 4 Comments

That’s the look, Bobby.

“The look?”

The look of love.

“Love’s fine, but I’d prefer some light hanky-panky.”

You’re gonna get it.

“Probably.”

Get it all over you.

“All right, c’mere.”

SIDLE SIDLE SIDLE

“What’s wrong with you, man? You’re at a party.”

No you’re at a party. I’m at my desk.

“You’ve never quite made the rules of this universe clear.”

You’ll be the first to know what they are.

“Ah. So, yeah: lemme work in peace.”

Billy always tells me about his sex life.

“Billy tells the planet about his sex life. It was half his book. I’m, uh, a gentleman.”

You are, Bobby.

“Now let me get back to trying to pork Loni Anderson.”

Laurie.

“Her, too.”

 

Transcript Of Today’s Ninth Circuit Court Hearing On The Muslim Ban

February 7, 2017 / / 0 Comments

“Come to order. Vincent Canby presiding. I will start by questioning the government. Who is representing the Department of Justice?”

“Me, sir.”

“Oh, God. Jenkins?”

“Yes, your honor.”

“You’re a lawyer now?”

“Fordham, class of ’03.”

“Let’s get on with this. The government is petitioning this court to lift the freeze put on the travel ban instituted by the president’s Executive Order.”

“Yes, sir, and if possible we are asking you to throw the judge who issued the freeze in jail.”

“For what reason?”

“His hatred of America, sir.”

“Denied. We are discussing two key points here: is there an immediate need to reinstate the ban, and is this ban even remotely Constitutional. The first: why the rush to remove the freeze?”

“The clear and present danger to our country posed by refugees and immigrants that have already gone through 18 months to three years of screening.”

“Really?”

“Terrorists like to play the long con, sir.”

“I notice you’re conflating the terms refugee and immigrant with terrorist.”

“Oh, did you notice? I was trying to be subtle.”

“Is there any evidence that people from the seven countries affected are involved in criminal activities?”

“We’re sure.”

“Excuse me?”

“The government is, like, a thousand percent positive that these so-called people are actually terrorists.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Just look at ’em.”

“Counselor.”

“You can almost smell the terror coming off ’em.”

GAVEL!

“Stop that.”

“Pardon me, your honor. The government is additionally arguing that you don’t have the authority to rule on this case.”

“You’re saying the judiciary can’t review an action by the Executive branch?”

“That is our position, yes.”

“Have you even read the Constitution?”

“It is also the government’s position that the Constitution is fake news, sir.”

“I see. Thank you for bringing up the Constitution; we’ll move on to our second point. This ban affects only Muslim countries.”

“No, your honor. This ban affects only poor Muslim countries. And also it is not a Muslim ban, and anyone saying that is a hater.”

“It’s not a Muslim ban?”

“No, sir.”

“Then why did the president call it that in a tweet?”

“You’re taking that out of context, your honor. When he wrote that phrase, he was making air quotes with his fingers, so it doesn’t count.”

“That’s not legal, Jenkins.”

“Sir, I refer you to 1972’s case Takesie v. Backsie.”

“Not a case.”

“It’s not a Muslim ban, your honor. It’s a ban on Muslims.”

“What’s the difference?”

“Word order.”

“Counselor, are you trying to throw this case?”

“I invoke my right to Fifth Amendment protections, as I believe that anything I say may incriminate me.”

“Gotcha.”

Grateful Deads Prefer Blondes

February 7, 2017 / / 3 Comments

You look very nice.

“Thank you, I had a thorough polishing before the show.”

I’m not talking to you, Red Metal Stool.

“The lady?”

Yeah.

“Y’know, she sat on me before.”

Stop this.

“Nice.”

Knock it off.

“I couldn’t breathe, but I liked it.”

Ew. You looking forward to Summer Tour?

“Gotta be better than the Mexican debacle.”

Yeah, bad luck. You weren’t, um, in the splash zone?

“I was fine. Can’t say the same for my cousin.”

Your cousin?

“White Porcelain Toilet.”

We’re done.

“He’s in therapy.”

I said we’re done.

Greatest Stories Never Told

February 7, 2017 / / 7 Comments

Good news in a morass of pitiful offerings, Enthusiasts: Cascadia’s champion, Mr. Completely, has once again graced us with a bracing blow of audio semi-fictionality. I cannot tell you what the best ever 1989 show was–4/2, 6/11, 14/3.14–but I can tell you what the best EVAR show was: this one.

These ones, more rightly, as Completely has created not one superb semi-fictional show, but two. (And they’re long fuckers, too.) Not “Best-Of” or whatever where the songs are jumbled and tossed without care, no: these two “shows” follow the rules of the Grateful Dead: alternating Garcia and Bobby tunes, little songs in the first set, weirdo bullshit in the second. If you didn’t know these shows didn’t actually happen, you might not realize it.

I won’t gush, but just tell you this: since Mr. Completely sent me the (almost) finished versions two weeks ago, I’ve listened to each show at least five times. It’s a home run mixed with a touchdown combined with a delicious corned beef sandwich while someone is touching your nipples in just the right way.

So: watch it on YouTube, or download either the FLAC, ALAC, or MP3 from the link, and then tell him how good it is in the Comment Section. Make sure you check out the detailed liner notes which, in keeping with Grateful Dead tradition, I was not asked to write. TotD gets a special thanks, but–in candor–my participation was mostly pestering him about including Foolish Heart.

Simply Amazing

February 7, 2017 / / 4 Comments

I don’t understand what I’m looking at here. Walk me through your trousers, Bobby.

“They were sold to me as a set of drapes.”

They are flabbergasting.

“Comfortable as all get out.”

“Get out” is a good phrase to use. You should get out of those pants.

“They’re not so bad.”

Not if you made them yourself on a desert island.

“First you attack Snake Tee-Shirt. Then you attack Giant Curtain Pants–”

Don’t anthropomorphize the pants!

“–and you know, man: I gotta live with ’em. Stop riling up my clothes.”

Sorry.

“It’s all right.”

Cool. Hey, Phil.

“You see Weir’s pants?”

How could I miss them?

“I can hear you two.”

“I know.”

Yeah, we know.

…

Oh, God, you’re wearing your fanny pack, too.

“We’re through for the night.”

Okay.

Science Marches Forward

February 6, 2017 / / 2 Comments

Have you heard about falcons? Not the Falcons, just regular falcons. Swoop swoop, kaw kaw, that kind of bullshit. Real good eyesight? You know: falcons. Anyway, it turns out they’re parrots. Falcons are genetically closer to the brightly-colored chatterboxes that people inexplicably keep in their homes than they are to the other raptors that they more closely resemble. Falcons look like hawks and eagles due to convergent evolution: there’s an optimal shape for a bird of prey.

This is one of many new discoveries about animals that scientists are making every day; TotD now presents New Animal Discoveries:

  • Cows are actually fat horses.
  • Similarly, donkeys are ugly horses.
  • Crocodiles are merely alligators whose parents didn’t have the money for braces.
  • Hummingbirds are not birds at all, but Mormons.
  • Woodchucks prefer to be called woodcharles.
  • Dogs and cats can and do live together quite peaceably.
  • Caterpillars don’t turn into butterflies; this myth was started by a Disney documentary in 1957.
  • Galapagos tortoises only live to be around 50, but they lie about their age. (“How old am I? Um…135? Yeah, let’s say 135.”)
  • The Chinese red panda and the North American raccoon are related, but haven’t spoken since the incident at Uncle Harold’s wedding.
  • If you cross a lion with a tiger, you get a liger; if you cross a lion, you get eaten.
  • There are over one hundred species of fruit bat, and none of them is capable of understanding Lucky Jim by Kingsley Amis.
  • No chickens are ducks, but some ducks are chickens.
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