Seeding The Stars

“Okay, folks, gather around. I just wanna go over some of the ground rules for when we get off the ship. It’s been a great transit these past couple years, but I know you’re anxious to get off the ship and start your new lives on Earth Two. Before we do, though, we just need to make sure that we’re all on the same page as far as safety protocols go.

“This is an unexplored planet. Our probes have mapped a lot of the surface, and the sciencebots have determined that the atmosphere and soil are compatible with our physiology, but very little beyond that. We need to be careful.

“First off, we do not know whether there is sentient life down there. We will certainly find out quickly. If there is, please do not have sex with it. I wouldn’t think I would need to say that, but as we’ve learned from the New Pittsburgh catastrophe: humans will fuck anything. It doesn’t matter if the aliens look just like us except for maybe having weird, bumpy foreheads. Please do not fuck them. There is no treatment for Space Herpes.

“Second, please stick to the approved and tested menu. Just because something looks like a berry doesn’t mean it is a berry. I refer you to the “Hypersteak Incident” on Lamoris 5. Everyone remember that? The steak ate back. We really don’t want that.

“Thirdly, some of you will undoubtedly go exploring. This is encouraged, but I really need everyone to be careful around the mysterious and impossibly ancient megastructures abandoned by extinct aliens and/or elder gods. Giant inverted pyramids, monoliths that suck in all available light, underground chambers of terrifying size, those sorts of things. You’ll know one when you see one. So far, 2/3rds of our colonies have been located within a day’s walk of a mysterious and impossibly ancient megastructure. I cannot stress this enough: do not touch them. Even if there’s something that looks like a control panel with a human handprint in the middle. ESPECIALLY if there’s a control panel with a human handprint in the middle. Nothing good can come of touching that.

“Lastly, report all sightings of dead loved ones to Command immediately. Your father, your wife, your kid, a partner that got shot on a case you never solved: these people are not really there. Their presence means the planet is sentient and telepathic, and we have to leave. Do not, I repeat do not, let your dead loved one talk you into touching the alien megastructure.

“All right then. Everyone have fun settling the planet, and I thank you for flying Weyland Yutani. When you really have to get there, Weyland-Yutani’s the only way to be sure.”