Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: bob weir (Page 20 of 198)

Redondo: Better Than The Other Dondos

I sincerely believe your leggings are tighter than your daughter’s, Bobby.

“I put ’em on straight from the washer. They dry on me, becoming a second skin.”

What is this?

“Robusto Bay”

Redondo Beach.

“Ah. There’s some sort of festival. We’re all at the hotel.”

Didn’t you used to share a room with Garcia at the Motel 6?

“I did, yeah. This is better.”

Can’t argue with you.

“Marked improvement in every way. Jer was my brother, he was best friend, he was my hero, but you didn’t wanna bunk with him.”

Sure. Bobby?

“Yuh-huh?”

Don’t ever look at the comments on Monet’s Instagram page.

“You betcha.”

Saw My Baby Down By The Green Room

Hey, Bobby. Nice baby.

“Oh, yeah. Right shape, proper size.”

Is that your baby?

“Pretty sure it’s not. I’ve had them.”

Sure.

“Well, you know: I didn’t have them. My wife–”

Natasha Monster.

“–did all the actual ‘having.'”

What did you do while that was going on?

“No idea. See, Natasha had chosen the natural childbirth.”

Okay.

“But I was high as a kite. Waste not, want not: that goes for epidurals. Might have snuck out to Sweetwater for a cocktail or two while she wasn’t looking.”

It’s a lot longer of a process than teevee would have you believe.

“Hours, man. But, uh, I’m pretty sure that all happened years ago. So I got no clue who this is. But, you know, he won’t stop screaming and he just shit his pants, so I got a hunch who it is.”

It’s not Billy.

“I retract my hunch.”

Bobs Having A Harden Time

“He’s looking right at me.”

Stay still, Bobby. James Harden’s vision is based on movement.

“Like an Argentinian?”

No, like a T-Rex.

“Very similar. T-Rex never got over the Falklands thing, either.”

I don’t know if that’s true.

“Phil sent me a Facebook link about it.”

Still. How’d you like the game?

“It was, uh, all right. Lots of back-and-forth. Shooting, passing, all kinds of action words. Very energetic sport. Plus, basketball’s the only non-glove sport. Baseball, hockey, football: gloves. Here, there’s nothing between the players’ hands and the fans. That creates a bond.”

I guess so.

“He’s still looking at me.”

Don’t move.

“I’m not. Not a twitch, except for talking to you and eating a hot dog.”

You’re good, then.

Picture A Basketball Just Spinning, Spinning Free

Hey, Bobby. Whatcha doing?

“Waiting for Dr. Funkenstein to make his appearance.”

You’re not at a P-Funk show, Bob. It’s an NBA game.

“Are you positive? This bearded fellow looks rather funky.”

That’s James Harden.

“His mouth gets lost in there.”

It’s a big beard.

“Oh, yeah. Now, uh, you’re sure this isn’t a P-Funk gig? I’m pretty sure I saw Parlet before.”

Those were cheerleaders.

“Ah. One more question.”

None of these men are Branford.

“Okee-doke.”

Someone Steal That Man’s Razor

A reminder: Never wear your boots like that unless OSHA demands that you do so.

A further reminder: “Body Positivity” is a scam invented to sell products–some cheese-covered, some not–to fat people.

A farther reminder: Nick Paumgarten fucking loves mountains. Climbing ’em, sliding down ’em, getting drunk with rich fuckers at the base of ’em: the man’s a catholic slopist.

A father’s reminder: Get your hair cut and tell your mother you love her.

A farmer’s reminder: The Grange meeting is Tuesday night.

A Farnsworth reminder: I INVENTED TEEVEE, YOU UNGRATEFUL BASTARDS!

Does Anyone Have Some Cokes For The Band?

Hey, Pig.

“You know…if the ol’ Pig was as pretty as that boy right there, there’d be no safe distance! That face and my rap? My behavior would scandalize th’ gentry! Chamber o’ Commerce’d have to do somethin’! Maybe put out an official statement, I dunno.”

You’re a handsome man, Pig.

“Pull th’ other one! It plays Jingle Bells!”

Stop that.

“The ol’ Pig knows what he’s workin’ with! My daddy used t’ say: Piglet, y’ got a face like Mussolini takin’ a shit! And he was right! Coulda said it a little nicer, but right!”

Piglet?

“I was little when he said that t’ me!”

Well, he was wrong. I think you’re beautiful, buddy.

“Hold up there now, Yojimbo! The ol’ Pig might live in San Francisco, but not that part o’ San Francisco!”

Oh, knock it off. Take a compliment.

“You’re right. I’m workin’ on that very ability! Should be good at it by, oh, ’bout 1980 or so.”

You just need a little more time.

“Thass all any of us needs! Pretty soon, we all gonna be as good as we can get ourselves!”

You said it.

Big R.R. Blues

“Keep to thy stillness, good sir, I beseech thee; my magickal scrivening device captures the stern visage of the patriarch of House Weir!”

“What now?”

“Stop moving or the picture won’t come out right.”

“Ah. Hey, uh, loving the show. Great stuff. Everyone tells me I’m a Miranda.”

“That’s Sex in the City, Bobby.”

“And so much of it, too. Those ladies get some banging in.”

“I have nothing to do with Sex in the City. Not my show.”

“Were you Arliss?”

“I was not Arliss.”

“Big-time sports agent, that guy. Always getting into wacky situations. Lotta guest stars.”

“Nope. I write the books that Game of Thrones is based on.”

“Ah. Are there dragons in the book, too?”

“Yes, of course.”

“Hey, it’s Hollywood. They just add dragons into stuff.”

“True.”

“Just dragons?”

“I’m sorry?”

“Any other mythical creatures? What about griffins?”

“No griffins.”

“Jersey Devils?”

“No.”

“Hucklebucks?”

“I don’t know what they are.”

“Zentaur?”

“What’s a zentaur?”

“Half-man, half-zebra.”

“Not in the show. Pretty much just dragons and zombies.”

“Zombies?”

“I call ’em something different, but they’re pretty much just zombies.”

“So the show takes place in a mall that the main characters have turned into a fortress.”

“No. You’re talking about Dawn of the Dead.”

“You take that picture yet?”

We Resown Algeria

Hey, Bobby. That man needs some sun.

“You should see him up close. He’s the color of truck stop sushi.”

Truck stops have sushi?

“They have everything now. Truck stops have improved at an astonishing rate over the course of my lifetime. Used to be there were communal showers and real ugly hookers and the cafes served a dish called pastahoochie that you could only get at truck stops.”

Pastahoochie?

“It was like chop suey with a reddish sauce that was advertised as Italian in origin. Usually there was some beef in there. Beef byproducts, maybe. This was the old days, remember: sometimes, you got byproducts.”

Right.

“Only at truck stops, though. But now there’s chain restaurants and everything. There’s stops out there so big there’s room for competing brands. Like, you got a McDonald’s and a Burger King. That’s the big tent Reagan was talking about.”

If you say so.

“They got four haircutting bays. The barbershop is a rectangle, right? Customer seats along the long sides, waiting are in the front, shampoo stations in the back.”

Yeah, Bobby. A barbershop.

“Four of ’em. Lined up. And busy, too. I’ll match our truck stops up with China’s best any day of the week.”

I don’t know, man. China builds big and she keeps laying down highway. There are bound to be some gigantic stops over there.

“Sure, yeah. But can you buy an assault rifle at any of them?”

Absolutely not.

“Freedom wins again.”

Sure. Bobby?

“Uh-huh?”

Will you yell at your bandmates, the werewolf and the disgraced surfing instructor, for dressing too casually?

“No. I’m, uh…no.”

Okay/

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