Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: bob weir (Page 31 of 198)

Casey Jones At The Bat

FUN FACT: Parish isn’t trying to look threatening. He just looks threatening. It’s like Resting Bitch Face, but with a bat.

OR

Hey, Bobby. Whatcha doing?

“Stepping into the bucket, looks like.”

Gotta stride towards the pitcher. And keep your elbows up.

“Oh, yeah. 90% of baseball is keeping your elbows up.”

You guys should get a team together now.

“Like, in 2018?”

Yeah.

“Huh. Yeah, no. We tried playing what’s left of Journey in 2016, and everyone was on the ground after an inning-and-a-half. Knees, backs, you name it. Neil Schon required light defibrillation.”

Wow.

“Time, you know, marches on.”

OR

SHOCKING FACT: The Dead went to the sporting-goods store and bought a cheap backstop like normal people instead of having Alembic custom-build them one out of carbon fiber.

Dire Wolfe

His name was Pigpen–it wasn’t, really; but that’s what the all the groovies and chickies called him–and he was first to be noticed. All eyes! no matter how doopy and drippy: there he was, not corpulent but solid behind a Vox organ, which is what all the garage bands–they’re called “garage bands” now in homage to their place of birth, even if it’s not true–are playing because it is far less dear than a Hammond or (God forbid) a piano. (“Can you imagine Pigpen playing a piano?” a barefoot girl asked me. “That’s what Shakespeare played!”) And then Jerry Garcia and his hair like a frozen storm cloud: black and tumultuous; he was not thin like the other members of the group, but nor was he as fat as Pigpen and he was so in a different way: a lazy weight, a seated weight, a joint-borne weight:::::::and then they began to make a sound like THRONGTHRONGDAKKA over and over::::::the drummer (who was introduced by a number of appellations: Bill, Billy, the Original White Negro) had several facial tics, and they competed and jousted: cheeks against eyelids in a holding pattern, gritted jaw coming around the flank.

The electric bass player is reportedly the smart one–almost five semesters at San Mateo Community College under the belt his old lady shoplifted from the Army surplus store–and he does not play like the black musicians who prefer an ostinato, instead wandering around the fretboard; sometimes like a cougar searching for prey, and sometimes like a senile pensioner searching for the house she lived in 40 years prior. The “cute” one is called Bob by men, or Bobby by girls, or WEIR! by the rest of the group: he is younger by a few years, and the Grateful Dead are all at an age when a few years matters.

And the rest! My God the hangers-on! Attendants, if you will. Burly brutes for lifting the delicate amplifiers and old ladies for fetching Cokes and skinny dudes in winklepicker shoes rolling numbers (no one calls them “joints” anymore; keep up, keep up) and engorged bikers in denim and leather–the only ones present drinking beer–and “with-it” negros and at least one nastily conspicuous newspaper reporter in a suit and tie.

Don’t forget the chickies! They are everywhere and eternally sixteen (if that); several have removed their blouses to reveal apple-dumpling breasts that remain static with the chickies’ torsos (gravity is a rumor to the chickies!) and they congregate–that is the word, congregate–beneath the “cute” one Bobby; they dance like deboned chickens in an earthquake and Bobby–WEIR!–smiles to himself and throws back his hair which is just as long if not longer than the chickies and 30 minutes, or maybe two, the band stops playing but the crowd keeps going.

The Grateful damned Dead!

One Dead, Two Company

I’m gonna need everyone who isn’t Bobby or Oteil to take his hand off his dick. Thank you.

OR

“Laurel!”

“Yanny!”

“Laurel!”

“Yanny!”

“BOTH OF YOU KNOCK IT OFF!”

OR

When did the Dead become Metallica? Are we doing the all-black thing now? I’m fine with it, but Josh wont be if he ever shows up for rehearsal.

OR

Seriously, Jeff, let go of your dong.

Dead Or Company?

“So, uh, some folks heard ‘oral.'”

“Bobby.”

“And others heard ‘handy.'”

“No.”

“And, you know, both of those are fine ways to let young ladies show their appreciation of your musical abilities.”

“You’re not getting it right.”

“I suppose if she had a lot of rings on, I’d go for ‘oral.’ Or maybe some sort of skin condition. But if she had, say, a mouthful of peanut butter in her braces, I would go for ‘handy.’ There’s a lot of variables here.”

“Bobby, it’s ‘Laurel’ and–”

“Billy! Did you hear ‘oral’ or ‘handy?'”

“Fuck that grade school shit! Straight anal, baby!”

“Billy heard ‘straight anal.’ What about you, New Brent?”

“How do you not know my name? We’ve known each other for 20 years, Bob.”

“And I value our relationship right up until the moment you ask for more money.”

I Can’t Drive (My Tesla) 55

“Sam, buddy, I gotta tell ya: I did not enjoy my trip to Flavortown.”

“What!? Flavortown is outrageous, bodacious, and downright sexual! The Red Rocker’s thinking about opening a Cabo Wabo Cantina there!”

“Sure, but–”

“Woo!”

“–you know, everything was wrapped in bacon. I’m gonna get yelled at by my sister-in-law–”

“Lilian Monster! Woo!”

“–and I just don’t need it.”

“Bob, you gotta put your sandal down in that house of yours.”

“Sam, God love ya, I’m literally surrounded by women. I, uh, try to assert dominance and they come at me like a pride of lionesses.”

“They stick together, don’t they?”

“If you cover ’em in Donkey Sauce, sure.”

“C’mon, buddy: it’s just a little detour to Flavortown. Besides, there’s a big party going on today.”

“Yeah? Why?”

“Trump’s moving the embassy there.”

“Sounds right.”

“Woo!”

This Flavortown Ain’t Big Enough For The Both Of Us

Oh, no.

“I’m, uh, in Flavortown.”

Run, Bobby, run.

“I can’t. There’s just so much flavor.”

Ignore the flavor, Bobby!

“There’s Donkey Sauce everywhere, and it is assumed you want extra cheese.”

That’s definitely Flavortown.

“I enjoyed Funkytown much more, if I’m honest.”

Is that a Red Hot Chili Pepper?

“I believe so.”

Yeah, the Chili Peppers are the house band of Flavortown.

“He keeps asking to borrow a sock.”

Do not lend him a sock, Bobby.

Facts Are Stubborn, Stupid Things

What used to be is not what is, Enthusiasts. This is the nature of nature, and of conjugation. Gonna becomes is turns into was transforms to used to be. What I’m getting at here is this: Bobby is shrinking and we need to accept it. Bobby used to be taller than Garcia, but now he is shorter than pop star-banging guitarists, and hippies who never had a hit single, and wealthy gay men on vacation. That’s short!

What to do? First off, show kindness. Do not keep offering to fetch items off the top shelf for Bobby, or forward him links that advertise sandals with hidden lifts. This will cause him to become resentful, and he will take it out on Matt Busch. Secondly: defend Bobby. If you see a tall rando heading his way, tackle that rando. Third: we should probably just all ignore it like we did Garcia’s hobbies. That worked out well.

A good novelist could reveal all of these men’s character just by describing their choices in footwear.

Yup.

That’s No Clown, That’s My Wife

Hey, Bobby. Rosacea is such a scourge.

“These are, uh, actually not our noses.”

Oh.

“Me and my wife–”

Natasha Monster.

“–are celebrating Wavy Gravy’s birthday.”

How old is he?

“As fuck. Wavy is old as fuck.”

Sure.

“Too old for surprise parties, at least. Although, he forgets stuff now so everything’s a little bit of a surprise.”

I gotcha.

“Just, you know, no leaping out from the darkness at him.”

No. Bad idea.

“Good thing about these noses? You can keep stuff in ’em.”

What kind of stuff?

“Stuff. Let’s just leave it at that.”

Shoulder aching?

“Depends on who’s at the party.”

Gotcha.

« Older posts Newer posts »