Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: corona virus (Page 1 of 7)

A Partial Transcript Of Governor DeSantis’ Remarks, 9/3/20

“Good morning, everyone. Didja grab a donut? We brought a whole assortment. Democrat states are all on fire, but under President Trump’s bold leadership, I’ve provided you with pastry. That’s yet another win for the GOP. Let’s keep it going ’til November, all right? Great.

“Anyways, we’re not here to talk politics. This is about how the people of Florida–all classes: the landed, burghers, villeins, serfs, lifeguards–came together to defeat the Coronavirus and get our state working again. We’ve got the death toll way down, and that’s due to citizens making the right decisions. I guess some credit would also go to the new way we’re calculating the death toll. Everyone suspected of dying from Covid is now listed as being murdered by Antifa. Kills two birds with one stone. Incredible things can be done with math.

“So since the ronus is on the run, I am happy to announce that Palm Beach County will be transitioning to Phase II of Operation: Pull Yourself Up By Your Flip-Flopstraps. Some businesses will reopen, others will be able to expand their services, and high school football practices can go to full-contact. That last part is particularly important to me. I’ve been speaking with coaches all over the state, and they all tell me that their boys are just itching to hit someone. That’s the tough part about being governor. Sometimes, you’re in a position where all the scientists and doctors say one thing, and all the high school football coaches say the opposite. Walk a mile in my shoes, huh?

“We will be opening movie theaters, so everybody can go see that new Christopher Nolan movie. TenantTencent? I don’t really follow that stuff. Time goes back and forth or something, and I think the hero’s a black guy. There will be some restrictions for now. Only half the seats can be sold for any showing, and you’re not allowed to share popcorn anymore. Everyone’s gotta buy their own concessions.

“Also opening up are bowling alleys, and I want all Floridians to know that they will be safe down at the lanes. When you rent your shoes, the guy’s gonna double-spray ’em. Nothing could survive that. If you frequent one of those fancy, family-friendly bowling establishments, then your tapas will be sanitized. If you prefer to roll at a shabbier location, then that guy who hangs out at the bar drinking Bud Lights and looking traumatized named Stinkfinger Lou will be sanitized.”

POTATO-HEADED GOVERNOR BEING HANDED A NOTE NOISE

“Stinkfinger Lou has died. Cause of death was…ah, he was murdered by Antifa. All of Florida mourns.

“Tattoo parlors will be free to operate, so anyone that’s been waiting to stamp their tramp is in luck. What else is gonna open? Skating rinks of the roller and ice varieties. Anything even vaguely golf-related. Gator-processing facilities. Shops that deal in Mah Jongg paraphernalia. Gentlemen’s establishments. Diners that burn down every two years like clockwork. That place on 441 where you run around a maze licking strangers. What’s that place called? Laser Tongue? I went there for birthday parties when I was a kid.

“Ice cream shops may begin handing out samples once more.

“Also some new rules for restaurants. We just gotta get folks into the dining rooms. Outdoor seating just doesn’t work for Florida. It’s too hot, too humid, and the invariable wave after wave of iguana attacks. For eight months a year, outside is a lethal hellscape. And plus the view is just gonna be of a strip mall parking lot. Al fresco sucks.

“But obviously we must be careful with how we reopen the restaurants. We’re limiting table capacity to four, but we will leave it up to individuals whether they want to push tables together. That’s called freedom, liberals. We also will be continuing a halt to the sale of communal alcoholic beverages such as the Scorpion Bowl, the Swamp Cooler, and the world-famous Key Large-O, which I think is almost two gallons of booze. They won’t sell it to fewer than eight people, I know that. And you might have to sign a waiver.

“Buffets will open, but we’re really gonna stress that people use the tongs. Please don’t just grab the crab legs with your hands. Or at least wash your hands first.

“Despite rumors to the contrary, Mickey’s, the restaurant outside Tampa where you choose, catch, slaughter, and prepare your own chicken, will not be reopening. Ever. And that’s not Covid-related, it’s general principle. I’m pro-business, but you’ve gotta draw a line somewhere.

“Other than that: Open! Dim, overpriced steakhouses where the waiters are all on pills? Open! Burger joint that makes you fetch your own Coke and still has the balls to charge $15 for lunch? Open! Bistro where performative homosexuals throw yogurt at rich ladies? Open! Wedgies, where you might get iceberg lettuce and you might get your underwear yanked into your asshole? Open! The Chinese place you don’t like, but it’s close? Open! The Chinese place that’s good, but it’s so far away? Open!

“So, uh, there you go. Let’s eat, drink, and be merry, Florida, and don’t forget to tip your waitstaff.”

POTATO-HEADED GOVERNOR LEAVING THE ROOM, THEN COMING BACK NOISE

“My office will have an official statement on Stinkfinger Lou within the hour. Okay, enjoy the donuts.”

Possible Replacements For The Handshake

Trying times, Enthusiasts. My word, these times are trying as hard as they can. Some times half-ass it, but not the current batch: These times are effortful! Ben Franklin would have aphorized “Early to bed, early to etc.” about these here times, and then ask for an well-worn prostitute. And uncertain! Don’t forget uncertain. Are the times more uncertain than trying? That’s for more-learned men and women to ponder. All I know is that the times are so uncertain that, often, I am unsure whether they are still times at all. Maybe the times are places! Or concepts! It’s all rather stymying.

What we do know is that shaking hands has been sent to the Problem Attic. Shake a hand? In 2020? Might as well just spit in your new acquaintance’s mouth. Will this end the almost 700-year reign of the manual manipulation? Maybe! Are there any synonyms for “handshake,” or do I have to resort to clunky phrases like “manual manipulation?” No/yes! Who invented shaking hands, anyway? Read the next paragraph!

Handshaking was invented in 1321 by an English duke named Albert of Scrumpy-On-Fox, also known as Creepy Al. He had a hand thing. He also had a large group of violent, hairy men whom he would send to your house if you refused to shake his hand, so the ritual caught on. Since then, several handshake variations have been invented: the soul brother routine, the half-hug, and whatever the fuck that back-and-forth bullshit that Basketball Head does is.

Regardless of species, the entire genus is now suspect. The simple and culturally-ingrained act of clasping hands upon meeting–or completing the sale of a used Dodge–is now verboten (if you’re in Germany) and forbidden (here).

But we need something. Some sort of standardized greeting must be deployed. You can’t just walk up to someone and start in with your nonsense; that’s called chaos. Even animals don’t do that. They sniff each others’ asses at the beginning of a conversation. We can’t let the animals be more civilized than us; we need a ritual.

These are my suggestions:

SNIFFING EACH OTHERS’ ASSES What are you, better than a moose? No, you’re not. You don’t even have antlers. Non-antler-having motherfucker.

ASIAN-STYLE BOWING This is the gold standard. No germinal exchange, plus you get to pretend you’re Bruce Lee if you do the hand thing with it. Full support for the introduction of the bow into Western society. (WARNING: I will only back this policy if it’s egalitarian. None of that “party of lower status bows lower and longer” bullshit. That kind of crap will start bar fights over here.)

ELBOW BUMP I guess if no one can come up with a better idea, then we can go with the elbow bump. It’s a less-than-satisfying greeting, though, and there’s no way to look cool while you’re doing it, even if you’re really cool. Imagine Brad Pitt elbow bumping Idris Elba. Still looks doofy, right?

ROUNDHOUSE KICK TO THE JAW First of all, you would dislocate your hip trying to roundhouse kick any average-sized person’s jaw; second, why the fuck would you do that at all? Are you a psycho?

SAYING,” HEY, LOOK OVER THERE,” AND WHEN THE PERSON IS DISTRACTED, STEALING THEIR WALLET That’s fucking anti-social, man. Why can’t you get through one post without being a wafflehead?

SUCK ON MY SWINGERS, CANCER BOY THAT SHIT. THAT SHIT RIGHT THERE IS WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT.

EAT IT, DEATH-BREATH FUUUUUUUUCK YOU.

Guys.

You heard him. You heard what he said.

Why do you keep hiring him?

He works cheap.

You get what you pay for.

Very true.

A Partial Transcript Of President Trump’s Press Briefing, 7/21/20

“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen of the press. I want you to know that I pray to Jesus, who is my favorite guy in the whole world, for your mortal souls. I hope He keeps and protects you, but I wouldn’t bet on it. Gosh, you folks just hate America. But, uh, I’m here tonight to introduce the greatest President that America’s ever had, Donald J. Trump. He is glorious and mighty, and his smile can cure phlebitis. Oh, the warmth of his close favor! When I first encountered it, I knew I’d do anything to remain within. We have touched, physically, on 14 separate occasions; a list is available from my press office.”

“C’mon, let’s go, no one wants to hear from you. Americans want to hear their favorite President.”

“Yes, sir. It is my honor, my pleasure, my sheer joy to introduce the 45th–”

“Soon to be 46th.”

“–President of the United States, the strong and bison-reminiscent Donald J. Trump.”

MILKSOP TRYING AND FAILING TO START A ROUND OF APPLAUSE NOISE

“All right, great, here I am which Sleepy Joe could not do, probably not in a million years. I mean that about Sleepy Joe. He’s in his basement. Maybe he’s fallen and can’t get up, I don’t know, people tell me he falls a lot. But I’m the President and so I’m in the White House talking about the China Virus, and the news is all good. Some of the best news you’ve ever heard, and even the fake news, who are monsters and I should maybe deport, won’t be able to twist it.

“We’re winning. My economy, which was so strong and powerful, is coming back. We’re doing the V-shape. Everyone said Mr. President, you can’t make the shape V, but I knew that I could, and I like to win, and so we did the V-shape. Bing bong. Obama couldn’t do a V-shape. Best he could manage would be a U. But the bottom would be miles long. Miles-long bottom. Terrible U. Nowhere as good as my V.

“You go into Home Depot, and everyone’s shopping and buying–lightbulbs or wood or whatever, I don’t know–and you think ‘Man, President Trump did such a great job for America,’ and that’s true, but I’ve been treated so unfairly. I give the blacks jobs, and they burn down Wendy’s. I give the press ratings like no one’s ever seen, and they send antifa to Tucker Carlson’s house.

“We’re probably doing, I think, the best of all the countries in the world. A lot of them are reporting low death rates, but I know their real numbers. Three million people have died in Angela Merkel’s Germany, but they’re lying about it to make the U.S. look bad. Terrible woman, but the rest of the world is begging us for help. Begging! So I think we’re doing all right. There are some deaths, sure, but there’s always going to be some deaths. That’s part of life. Sad, but it’s part of life.

“We’ve done testing like you wouldn’t believe. We’re testing everywhere. You walk out your door, and there’s testing. It’s a really, really, really incredible thing that we’ve done with the testing. It’s not about how many tests you do, it’s about doing them right, and quite frankly we’re doing it so beautifully.

“America is protecting her wonderful, high-risk citizens. Diabetics, whatever. Seniors, our wonderful seniors who fought in our beautiful World Wars, they’re so great, but now they’re under attack from this filthy disease that China sent us. I will protect our beautiful old people, unlike Joe Biden, who doesn’t know where he is.

“Okay, questions. Let’s do some good questions. You.”

“Mr. President, what is your current position on mask use?”

“My current position is the same position I’ve always has, which is that I’m for them when they work, but sometimes they don’t work, and you also have to worry about snot, mucus, whatever. That gets in the mask, and it’s disgusting. But I’ve always been for the masks, which can be wonderful, but sometimes they’re not.”

“Do you believe there should be a federal mandate about wearing them in public?”

“I get nervous. And you know I’m not a guy who gets nervous. Rosie O’Donnell gets nervous. Remember Rosie? I just destroyed her career years ago, which she deserved for being a fat pig and very nasty to me. We were in the papers constantly. Lotta fun. But I don’t get nervous, but when I hear the word ‘mandate,’ I get nervous. I trust in the American people to do the right thing, which is to wear a mask if it’s appropriate.”

“And when is it appropriate?”

“We’re gonna leave that up to the states, which are very capable, and there are 50 of them. Next question. You there.”

“Mr. President, do you have any comment on the recent arrest of Ghislane Maxwell, the reputed criminal conspirator of Jeffrey Epstein?”

“Good luck to her. She’s a Palm Beach gal, and we used to run into one another. Pictures don’t do her justice: She really kept her figure together. Good luck to her. Next question. Jim Acosta?”

“Yes, sir.”

“You are fake news.”

“You never get tired of that, do you?”

“The American people need to know.”

“Yes, sir. Mr. President, the death toll from Covid-19 rose to 144,000 today. Could anything have been done to reduce that number?”

“The Chinese could have not sent their disease here. Or maybe the Demoncrats–I call them the Demoncrats instead of the Democrats, and people really enjoy that–could have not distracted me with their criminal impeachment hoax, which Nancy Pelosi and Shifty Schiff should be in jail for 50 years over.”

“But is there anything you could have done differently?”

“I think I’ve done very well. I’d give me an A. Maybe an A+. I closed down travel to China, which was very bold, and then I shut it down to Europe. Everyone said Mr. President, you can’t shut down travel to Europe, but I could and I did. Without those strong actions, we could be looking at five, maybe six million dead. I’ve done a pretty amazing job, if you think about it.”

“Uh-huh. Sir, have you made any condolence calls to the families of Covid victims?”

“I couldn’t hear you.”

“Have you made any–”

“Still nothing. Speak up.”

“HAVE YOU MADE ANY–”

“Just pull down your mask, Jim.”

JIM ACOSTA PULLING DOWN HIS MASK NOISE

“Corona protocol breach! Get him!”

FOUR SECRET SERVICE AGENTS TACKLING JIM ACOSTA NOISE

“I forgot how much fun these were. Okay, maybe we’ll do another one tomorrow, great, wonderful.”

A Partial Transcript Of Florida Governor Ron DeSantis’ Remarks, 7/7/20

“Good morning, everyone. I’d like to apologize for all the meth-pythons. We don’t know how they got into the Governor’s Mansion, but we’re trying real hard to clear them out. We tried releasing meth-mongooses, but it turns out that mongooses can’t fight pythons like they do cobras. Python is way bigger! The size advantage is simply too great. So, uh, all the mongooses got eaten. And, as I mentioned, they were meth-mongooses, so the pythons also ingested all the meth. Long story short: Be careful. Just be careful.

“I’m going to start with some numbers. 10,213. 433. 61,298. I’m not going to say what those numbers pertain to, but those are the numbers. Maybe they’re how many people love you? Those would be great numbers if that were the category. Or dollars! 10,213 dollars is outstanding. You got that in your pocket, you’re on top of the world. Hey, even 433 dollars is pretty good. Get yourself a nice pair of shoes with that. Treat yourself, man.

“My office keeps getting questions from the press about whether or not there will be a statewide mask mandate, and I’d really like to stop getting those questions. Can you guys be cool, please? Ask about anything else. Did you know over 30% of Florida’s sheriffs are under indictment? Let’s talk about that. Just, you know: enough with the masks, huh?

“Speaking of masks, it is my administration’s position that all the recent mask-related murders would have happened anyway. Floridians can always find a reason to murder someone. If it wasn’t the mask, it would have been something else.

“As most of you know, Disney World is going to be opening up real soon, and everyone’s so happy about that. The folks who run that property are pretty smart cookies, and they’ve cooked up a lot of ways to keep guests safe. For example, there will be no contact with the costumed characters. Turns out there’s absolutely no way to disinfect the costumes. Corona burrows into felt, apparently. Also, the Mickey-shaped waffles will all be wearing little masks made from butter. It’s so cute!

“I would also like to address the hospital situation. There’s a lot of people freaking out about our ICU’s being full, but since when is being at capacity a bad thing? Any restaurant would kill to be as packed as our hospitals right now! I see it as a win.

“Finally, I’d like to speak about our great schools. We’re gonna open all of them back up in August. K through 12, the whole kit and kaboodle. We’ll even take illegal kids. You see a child outside? Grab him and toss him into the nearest school. We must educate our children, and so they’re all going back to class. Precautions will be taken, of course. I am asking that all forms of wrestling be canceled. Greco-Roman, freestyle, gator, whatever. There was some talk about canceling football, too, but that was just homo-talk. Nobody’s canceling football season on my watch.

“Some parents may be worried about the possibility of viral transmission when the kids go back to school, and I’m just gonna be honest: We’re gonna lose a few. ‘Zero dead kids’ is out of the question. We took that off the table at the beginning of our decision-making process. I’m setting the point at ‘some’ dead kids. I can live with ‘some.’ Also, the scientists have told me that the coronavirus rarely takes the good kids. Varsity athletes and honor rollers seem to be mostly immune. The kids at risk are the ones that wear black a lot, or smell, or they’re in the marching band. No child is disposable, but some of ’em are, kind of. You know I’m right.”

POTATO-HEADED STEAKHEAD BEING HANDED A PIECE OF PAPER NOISE

“Huh. The entire NBA has tested positive for the ronus. Okay, then. Great press conference!”

Some Words Can’t Be Unspoken

“Muchacho!”

Asshole.

“That’s Mr. Asshole to you. I’m big-time, baby. I’m record-breaking. In virus terms, I’m going for my EGOT. I’m the John Legend of viruses.”

Sounds right.

“I AM A GOLDEN GOD!”

Knock that off.

“I am adding dates to the tour left and right, man. Going to the smaller venues, but also still playing the prestige places. I can play the trailer park or Tom Hanks. I’m versatile!”

No one likes you.

“No one likes Nick Cannon, but that guy’s huge.”

Stop comparing yourself to black celebrities.

“Never.”

I see you nailed Kimberly Guilfoyle.

“Me and every other guy in Silicon Valley.”

CORONAVIRUS HOLDING UP HIS HAND FOR A HIGH FIVE NOISE

“Don’t leave me hanging, bro.”

I am absolutely not touching you.

“Bro!”

CORONAVIRUS BEING LEFT HANGING NOISE

“Uncool.”

Oh, fuck off.

“Got all up in Guilfoyle. Was trying for the Great White Whale. God, I want him.”

Trump?

“Dude, the publicity! I take down the President of the United States, they’re doing 10-part documentaries about me. I’ll be like Michael Jordan.”

I told you to cut that out.

“How do you know I’m not black?”

Because you’re from China.

“I’m black. Black lives matter.”

You’re not black, and you’re not alive.

“Some scientists’ definition of life includes–”

VIRUSES AREN’T LIFE. You’re a creepy third option to a question that should only have two answers.

“That’s racist.”

Yes. I am totally racist against viruses. I believe they should use separate water fountains than me.

“Dude!”

Hell, I think we should round up the lot of you, and put two in each forehead.

“Holy shit, man! This is just hatred! I thought we were bantering.”

If I could Holocaust you and every being like you, I TOTALLY FUCKING WOULD. And I would laugh my ass off the whole time.

“I don’t wanna talk to you anymore.”

Good. Go away.

“I’m not gonna go away.”

I know.

A Partial Transcript Of MSNBC Live, 7/2/20

Rep. Andy Biggs, chair of the conservative House Freedom Caucus, on Thursday called on the White House to shutter its coronavirus task force, claiming the nation’s top public health experts were undermining President Donald Trump. – Politico, 7/2/20

“Good afternoon, America. I’m Katy Tur, and if I don’t get to candyflip at MSG while some scruffy uggos from Vermont butcher Talking Heads covers real soon, I’m gonna murder my family. Love my family, but Momma needs a little release right now. Anyway, my guest today is one of Arizona’s seemingly innumerable amount of second-string Republican whackadoodles, U.S. Congressman Andy Biggs.”

“Everything’s Biggs-er in Arizona, Katy.”

“Is that your campaign slogan?”

“Yeah. It’s not great. Voters find it displeasing. That was the exact word they used, which I always found odd. But, you know: it’s suburban Arizona and I’m a Republican, so my slogan could’ve been Lather up your buttholes, pissants.”

“You represent a deeply red district.”

“Deeeeeeeep red. Like a monkey’s butthole. I mean, shit: I’m on national teevee right now, and all I’m doing is talking about buttholes, and I’m gonna win my race by 40 points. You know that old saying about how a politician never wants to be caught with a live boy or a dead girl? Well, I could fuck both of ’em right in the parking lot of Olive Garden and still get reelected.”

“Please stop cursing, Congressman.”

“Fuck that, fat-tits. I’m a man. I’m a man! I curse, and I shave four times a day, and I haven’t bought new underwear since 2003, and I don’t wear a mask.”

“Ah. Yes. The mask. You have recently made some statements decrying mask use.”

“Not crying. I don’t cry, What did I tell you? I’m a man.”

“Not ‘crying.’ Decry…y’know what? Forget it. You have stated that you don’t believe that the coronavirus is as dangerous as experts say it is, and you have advocated for a complete reopening without any social distancing or mask use.”

“When you say ‘expert,’ I assume you’re talking about Dr. Fauci?”

“Among others.”

“And what makes him such an expert?”

“A world-class intellect, top-notch education, and decades of experience at the highest levels of his field.”

“You think he’s better than me?”

“It’s not about that.”

“I’m a man, Katy.”

“You have mentioned that several times already.”

“A MAN.”

“Congressman, please tell me why you have come to the conclusions that you have about the coronvirus.”

“I can’t explain why I believe the things I do, Katy, but I will defend those beliefs to the death. Preferably someone else’s death, but whatever. The ronus is a phonus maronus. Doctors come up to me all the time. They plead with me to listen to their lies. I shout PHONUS MARONUS at ’em. They don’t know what to do with that.”

“I would imagine.”

“The facts are simple. One: China started this pandemic. Two: there is no pandemic. Three: masks are for homos. Four: Constitution says I got the right to go to Outback Steakhouse, and call the waitress ‘Sweetcheeks’ when I get there. Five: Dr. Fauci is antifa. Those are the facts.”

“Nothing you just said was a fact. Some of the items might rightly be classified as anti-facts.”

“Have we even seen his diploma?”

“Who, Dr. Fauci?”

“Yeah.”

“What exactly are you saying?”

“I have no idea! But all of it should be taken seriously! I’m a Congressman, dammit.”

“Yes. You are.”

“Arizonans are a proud, independent people, Katy. We work hard, but y’know what else? We love hard. And we like a hard hang. I meet up with the chums, we hang hard. Mostly guys from high school. Moochie, Big Skink, Little Skink, Chowhound. We call ourselves the Randy Rattlesnakes. Friday nights are for the boys!”

“Are you making a point, sir?”

“Well, me and the other Randy Rattlesnakes got a tradition where we enjoy Mexican food while being aggressively racist towards Mexican people. We call it Sweet & Sour.”

“That’s awful.”

“And wearing masks would destroy that.”

“Why?”

“Because we like to put on fake mustaches to mock the Mexicans. Y’see, Katy: Mexicans love their mustaches.”

“Can we change topics?”

“Only if we talk about President Trump.”

“Fine.”

“Looooooove him.”

“Gotcha.”

“And he wants to lead us to glory. The greatest economic recovery in the history of the world is right around the corner, and President Trump wants to bring us home. Let’s let him! He’s our quarterback, Katy. And that corona task force…well, I don’t know whose team they’re on. Or maybe they’re punters. Shit, there’s nothing worse than a punter. President Trump needs lions, but he’s got punters. Doctors Fauci and Birx are punters, and so maybe they should just disappear.”

“Disappear, sir?”

“I don’t know, maybe one day Fauci leaves his house to go to work and just doesn’t show up. That kind of thing happens a lot more than the government wants you to know. People disappear all the time.”

“Congressman, are you suggesting violence?”

“Not suggesting. Just introducing the notion to your viewers, including the mentally-imbalanced ones. Just alerting all within the sound of my voice to the idea. Disappearing Dr. Fauci is something that could be done. That’s all I’m saying.”

“That is shockingly irresponsible and malicious.”

“Yeah.”

“Congressman Biggs, are you making any policy proposals?”

“I have a bill in committee naming a Navy ship after Alice Cooper.”

“No, I meant–”

“Alice is an Arizona boy!”

“–policy proposals regarding the coronavirus.”

“Oh, shit, right. I told President Trump he should make it illegal.”

“Make what illegal?”

“Kung Flu.”

“Don’t call it that, and that’s not how it works.”

“Won’t know ’til we try.”

“We will. We can know right now, without having actually performed the experiment, that declaring the coronavirus to be against the law would have no effect whatsoever.”

“I disagree. I believe it would be a strong, powerful move from a strong, powerful President. I would be more than pleased to stand beside President Trump as he signed the bill into law. I would clamor afterwards for his Sharpie, and then mount it in a fancy box, and place that box on my desk so I could point it out to everybody. That would be great, Katy.”

“We have ten seconds left. Anything else to say?”

“I’d like to repeat something I already said.”

“Which is?”

“Masks are for homos.”

“Wonderful. We’ll be right back.

People Who Don’t Need To Wear Masks

BRADS PITT The Brads Pitt among us are excused from covering up their peachy punims in any way, as it would be a shonda. I am here using “Brad Pitt” as a synecdoche for the stupidly beautiful, and also pluralizing his name in a semi-humorous fashion.

TODDLERS You can’t even get those goofy little bastards to wear pants half the time, so trying to keep their masks on is just an exercise in futility. Nephew on the Dead won’t even allow a hat on his head without flinging it, hard, at one of his parents within seconds; he ain’t masking up. Just keep the tykes inside as much as possible and keep washing ’em down. (WARNING: Spitting on your fingers and scraping their face half-off is NOT RECOMMENDED during the Covid pandemic. Plus, kids hate that shit, man. Don’t do that to them.)

THE FACELESS Don’t have a face, don’t have to wear a mask. That’s just math.

PEOPLE WITH BREATHING PROBLEMS Although if you have an underlying respiratory ailment so severe that a piece of cloth with the thickness of a cheap tee-shirt can inhibit your breathing, you probably shouldn’t be going out at all right now, huh?

SHAMPOO-HEADS There are approximately 100,000 Americans who, through either science or magick, have had their entire heads replaced with an equivalent mass of shampoo, specifically Suave Tropical Coconut. They are exempt from facial-covering regulations because how would that even work, man? How you gonna put a mask on a skull-shaped blob of shampoo? Can’t be done, muchacho!

TORTOISES Tortoises aren’t people, guy. Says right in the title that we’re discussing people.

DEAD ZEBRAS Well, fucking obviously. Dead zebras are dead, and they’re zebras. Two reasons why they’re exempt, guy

BURGER EXPRESS Guy! Are you talking about the burger joint that Mother on the Dead used to take Brother on the Dead and me when we were kids? The train-themed place? It closed in 1988, guy. And it was a restaurant. Didn’t need a mask. No respiratory processes.

BOOF Are you talking about shoving drugs up your butthole, or the girl-next-door character from Teen Wolf?

BOOF Answer the question, guy.

BOOF I DON’T LIKE YOUR TONE, GUY!

We’ll finish up here, huh?

That bold asshole is no good. Not a team player.

He does seem to have his own agenda.

There’s gonna be some new rules around here very soon.

Good to hear, guy.

Change In Latitude, Not In Attitude

Ugh. Hello, Coronavirus.

“You call yourself Thoughts on the Dead, right? I must be giving you a lot to do, huh?”

You’re awful.

“I am who I am, baby. I have a purpose. I know my role. I’m like the Terminator, but…nope! No buts about it! I’m exactly like the Terminator.”

Everyone hates you.

“Really? Reeeeeeeeeally? Cuz it doesn’t seem like everyone hates me. I am the recipient of so much kindness from strangers. People are going out of their way to help me.”

People are idiots.

“I know! It’s great!”

Jackass.

“You’re a pip. Anyhoo, I just swung by to make a little news by announcing my retirement.”

What? You’re retiring? That’s incredible! You’re not gonna infect and kill people any more?

“No, I meant that I was moving to Florida and Arizona.”

Dammit.

“Love it down here! Easy living, man. Real hot, so everyone stays inside and cranks up the AC. That’s my jam! Bunch of fuckers in an enclosed space with the HVAC rumbling? THAT’S MY JAM, MUCHACHO!”

Stop yelling and don’t call me that.

“I think I’m gonna take up pickleball.”

Fuck you.

A Partial Transcript Of The Palm Beach County Commission’s Meeting, 6/23/20

GAVEL NOISE!

GAVEL NOISE!

“Everyone settle down! Settle down! We are going to have this meeting come to order right now, or I’m going to have the sheriffs clear the room, and no one wants that. Well, maybe the sheriffs want that. Those guys are a little edgy lately. So, here’s how it’s gonna work. We will open the floor for public comments. If you want to speak, form an orderly line along the left wall of the room. We will hear all who wish to be heard, but only for one minute. Everybody gets 60 seconds. Unless you start cursing. If you start cursing, I’m gonna cut you off.”

CLEARLY INSANE WOMAN IN FLIP-FLOPS RAISING HER HAND NOISE

“Yes, ma’am?”

“Does the N-word count as a curse?”

“Wha?”

“Does the–”

“Yeah, yeah, I heard you. I was just struck dumb by the question’s very existence. But, uh: yes. Yes, the N-word counts as a curse.”

“I believe your taxonomy is both incorrect, and Cultural Marxism.”

“Uh-huh. Okay, how about I amend my statement? If you curse OR use racial slurs, then I’ll cut you off.”

“What about really obscure racial slurs?”

“Also not gonna work for me.”

“What about using the correct word, but pronouncing it in a derogatory fashion? Like ‘Ay-rab?'”

“No.

“Or ‘Eye-talian.'”

“It’s an across-the-board no, ma’am.”

“I’d like to revisit your proscription on cussing, and ascertain the parameters. Are gestures included? For example…”

CLEARLY INSANE WOMAN IN FLIP-FLOPS MAKING THE JERK-OFF GESTURE NOISE

“Stop that! Just stop it. I’ve answered your questions and now we’re going to hear from the citizens of Palm Beach County, where–I would like to remind everyone present–the infection rate of the coronavirus and the death toll from Covid-19 have skyrocketed in the last few weeks. Let’s keep that in mind. Let’s remember that we’re talking about people’s lives and health here. Okay, let’s begin the public comments. Sir?”

“Thank you, Commissioner Hitler.”

“My name is Weinroth. So…that’s just so offensive.”

“Well, excuse me for exercising my First Amendment rights and pointing out that you are a Nazi and a communist and an anarchist.”

“Can’t be all three. Mutually exclusive philosophies.”

“You and the rest of the pedophiles on the Commission cannot steal my freedom! My freedom is mine! It won’t work for you! It’s like Judge Dredd’s gun! My freedom is keyed to my DNA, and if you try to use it, it’ll blow off your hand!”

“Thank you, sir. Anything else?”

“I would like to continue talking about Judge Dredd!”

“We don’t have time for that. Please step away from the podium. Next speaker, please. Ma’am?”

“I am placing all of you under sovereign citizen’s arrest.”

“Is that like a citizen’s arrest?”

“Yes, but with more nautical terms.”

“Okay, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“I could pull up around a dozen YouTube videos that would explain why I have the authority to throw you in the brig.”

“You don’t have a brig.”

“I have several, sir. I have several brigs. Don’t you dare accuse me of not having brigs.”

“That’s enough. Your time is up. Step away from the podium. Next, please. Ma’am?”

“N—-r.”

“I SPECIFICALLY mentioned that word as one you couldn’t say!”

“I do what I want. SALT LIFE!”

“Enough! Get her out of here!”

SHERIFF DRAGGING A DAUGHTER OF FLORIDA FROM THE ROOM NOISE

“Last warning! I will end this hearing if everyone can’t stop being crazy and racist and crazily racist. Can’t we act like a normal state just for once? Just one time, let’s not be the state all the other states laugh at. I’m begging here. Okay, who’s up next? Sir?”

“I would like to take my time to accuse the County Commissioners of various crimes, including regicide, brigandry, and sticking their fingers in cats’ assholes.”

“That will not be allowed.”

“You can’t silence me, sir. I’m not a cat’s asshole.”

“Stop it.”

“I would also like to accuse all of you of being robot duplicates of yourselves, possibly created by Jewish scientists.”

“Sir–”

“Probably. I mean, making robot duplicates is pretty high-level work. You’re gonna want Jews for that.”

“Sir–”

“Brainy folks. Evil, but brainy. I’m still talking about the Jews.”

GAVEL NOISE!

“Get away from the microphone! Get! Okay, my patience is getting real thin. Any more stupidity and I’m closing the session. Does anyone have anything sane to add? Ma’am?”

“I tried wearing a mask last week, and I distinctly heard it conspiring with my lips to murder me in my sleep.”

GAVEL NOISE!

“We’re done.”

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