Trying times, Enthusiasts. My word, these times are trying as hard as they can. Some times half-ass it, but not the current batch: These times are effortful! Ben Franklin would have aphorized “Early to bed, early to etc.” about these here times, and then ask for an well-worn prostitute. And uncertain! Don’t forget uncertain. Are the times more uncertain than trying? That’s for more-learned men and women to ponder. All I know is that the times are so uncertain that, often, I am unsure whether they are still times at all. Maybe the times are places! Or concepts! It’s all rather stymying.
What we do know is that shaking hands has been sent to the Problem Attic. Shake a hand? In 2020? Might as well just spit in your new acquaintance’s mouth. Will this end the almost 700-year reign of the manual manipulation? Maybe! Are there any synonyms for “handshake,” or do I have to resort to clunky phrases like “manual manipulation?” No/yes! Who invented shaking hands, anyway? Read the next paragraph!
Handshaking was invented in 1321 by an English duke named Albert of Scrumpy-On-Fox, also known as Creepy Al. He had a hand thing. He also had a large group of violent, hairy men whom he would send to your house if you refused to shake his hand, so the ritual caught on. Since then, several handshake variations have been invented: the soul brother routine, the half-hug, and whatever the fuck that back-and-forth bullshit that Basketball Head does is.
Regardless of species, the entire genus is now suspect. The simple and culturally-ingrained act of clasping hands upon meeting–or completing the sale of a used Dodge–is now verboten (if you’re in Germany) and forbidden (here).
But we need something. Some sort of standardized greeting must be deployed. You can’t just walk up to someone and start in with your nonsense; that’s called chaos. Even animals don’t do that. They sniff each others’ asses at the beginning of a conversation. We can’t let the animals be more civilized than us; we need a ritual.
These are my suggestions:
SNIFFING EACH OTHERS’ ASSES What are you, better than a moose? No, you’re not. You don’t even have antlers. Non-antler-having motherfucker.
ASIAN-STYLE BOWING This is the gold standard. No germinal exchange, plus you get to pretend you’re Bruce Lee if you do the hand thing with it. Full support for the introduction of the bow into Western society. (WARNING: I will only back this policy if it’s egalitarian. None of that “party of lower status bows lower and longer” bullshit. That kind of crap will start bar fights over here.)
ELBOW BUMP I guess if no one can come up with a better idea, then we can go with the elbow bump. It’s a less-than-satisfying greeting, though, and there’s no way to look cool while you’re doing it, even if you’re really cool. Imagine Brad Pitt elbow bumping Idris Elba. Still looks doofy, right?
ROUNDHOUSE KICK TO THE JAW First of all, you would dislocate your hip trying to roundhouse kick any average-sized person’s jaw; second, why the fuck would you do that at all? Are you a psycho?
SAYING,” HEY, LOOK OVER THERE,” AND WHEN THE PERSON IS DISTRACTED, STEALING THEIR WALLET That’s fucking anti-social, man. Why can’t you get through one post without being a wafflehead?
SUCK ON MY SWINGERS, CANCER BOY THAT SHIT. THAT SHIT RIGHT THERE IS WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT.
EAT IT, DEATH-BREATH FUUUUUUUUCK YOU.
Guys.
You heard him. You heard what he said.
Why do you keep hiring him?
He works cheap.
You get what you pay for.
Very true.
I think another word for shaking hands, is “press flesh” which sounds naughty, or something.
Out here in rural Oregon, an outstretched hand is like a Trumpian virtue-signal and litmus test rolled into one.
“Are you a man or a Marxist?”
The naborhood I’m in is all, “are you a socialist or do you hate America?”
I’ve been offering a spritz of sanitizer. It’s oddly comforting to touch your own hands when you’re qued to shake hands.